My Letters!!!

Let me tell you something...
My words are terrified of sound
I will hand it to you, only when i finish cooking in a heart of paper...
Please forget what is in it, even before you open it!
I don't want to talk to you, when they are asleep...
When do I find time to write to you, for you, about you?

Well... The ones I start in the morning ends in the evening
And as I finish it, It becomes my sun!
The ones I start in the dusk gets over by dawn
And as I sign it, It turns into my dreams!
The ones I start in the summer drags into winter
And even as I start, My words opens up like mushrooms!

The ones I start in the autumn, keeps withering off
And here I stand like a barren tree!
The ones I start in the spring, keeps flying like a dust
Even as I start thinking of it!
The ones I start in the winter, keeps getting frozen
And just disappears in front of my eyes!

Then when and where and how?
Will you ever understand that I don't think of you now and then
My heart keeps scribbling about you with each breath
Coz... Your silence keeps screaming in my ears all the time.

My silence!!!

In this dusty silence,

Where you and I have forgotten to fall in

Our words are resting peacefully...

We know its hard to carry the meanings around

But we still do with heavy hearts...

Though the ripe words are silent and sitting back

The sprouting words keeps bouncing to and fro...

Just to give this suffocating heart a break

Here we try after a massive effort

To bring out a few verses from heart...

And watch it come out dazed, confused and stupid...

Well, what can I say?

Let's get back to how it was

Let my silence converse with yours...

Silent and Alone!!!

In this long and mysterious night
When all other beings have stopped even their heart beats
I can only hear the screaming of silence at its top pitch
Tell me again, what am I searching for in this?

In this frozen night, searching for a blanket
Am I looking for warmth to cover me?
Am I looking for the hands to hide me?
Am I looking for the soothing words to put some life back?
What is that I am searching for again?

I am so tired of searching for nothing
In the lonely places, just to hide my fears
Just to chase my void thoughts,
I keep shouting your name again and again.

Let me slice my lips off, just to make me forget about your kisses
It is hard to kill the soul that has been lost in your kisses.
I neither need your love nor your passion nor my patience
Tell me again, what am I searching for?

When the fights have finished,
When your killing accusations have rested,
When you want to kiss and make up,
Let my face without lips be there to greet you
Like a beautiful painting tainted to ugliness…

Will you ever realize that I have a soul that is searching for love?
My search may go in vain,
But my search will never seize…
Tell me again, what am I searching for?

My childhood!!!

My childhood was like a dream...

I had such a lovely time and remember every single laugh and tear we shared.

But all that is left in me is the fading memories with pain and distance

I know we have come a long way apart and each in separate paths...

Can't cross the distance between our hearts

Each stuck in a happy quick sand of their own which just pulls us more farther

Each remember the happy and good times and the words which have made us sad

All are walking with the scars that was left behind

Once we tried to laugh and cry and share and lean on

And now we have even tried to unleash our animals and rip others heart out

Here we all stand in sister and brotherhood shedding tears and blood

Each trying to conceal the pain we have inflicted on others and still smile

If only I had the guts, I would surely say how sorry I am

If only I had the power to change time, I will definitely go and change things

Coz... the loneliness that is left behind after our fights will continue till my grave

Would love to fill the gap inside me before I could rest in this earth

Till then, my people... I want to say I really miss you all and will love you all more than ever
If I have to be born again, please be with me and lets try and make that life more meaningful

I am so incomplete without you all...

Sorry...till then

The skin I live IN!!!

I chose to write in this topic, coz it is such a fascinating topic!!! Colour of skin we are born with is something that is being determined by the genetic composition. The melanin pigment determines the colour and texture of a person's complexion. SO much for the technical part...But the whole world seems to be running around this buzz world. So many fights, killings, and incidents make you wonder whether there is any humanity left out in this world...

But I do have to say that I always envied people who had fair complexion for so many reasons, which I have personally experienced. Let me try and tabulate them

• In a crowd, no matter how knowledgeable you are, you are sidetracked or refused, if you are to the tanner shades compared to the lighter ones.
• When a person is fair, they don't have to make more effort to impress the opponent, coz you have a river that goes flooding from the drool of those in front.
• Fair skinned ones (FSO) are considered in someway superior to the darker skinned ones(DSO). I don't understand why they think being dark is dumb?
• If a FSO has to take 50% effort to shine, the DSO are probably supposed to take 150% effort to get a chance to prove that they are good enough too.
• Why is that when you open a matrimonial column, you see that all the grooms are in need of a fair complexioned, tall and slim beauties?
• When they name a guy, they say Tall, dark and handsome but when they name a girl, they don't say dark and pretty. I don't know why dark and pretty don't go hand and hand?
• Well this list keeps going on and on...

I have always been fascinated by K.Balachander's heroines like Saritha, Suhasini and Balumahendra's heroines like Shoba, Archana and others like Nandita das, Silk smitha and Hollywood hotties like Salma hayek, Halle berry etc. May be it is just my imagination that i feel that they all have such feminine essence radiating from them along with such an arrogance and intelligence. I have felt it as a deadly combination!!!

I heard a recent song which called the tanned heroine with a very peculiar name "Thoratti Kannu Karuvachi" which is very hard to translate in english. Just in a rough sense means a sexy eyed darker tanned girl! I would rather love to stay in this complexion because you don't have to be centre of attraction to feel good. I would rather have all the superficial ones
get filtered and get the real ones to turn to turn to my side, who would look beyond the skin.

So the let the world keep running behind the skin, I am better off with people who would rather have the brains to look beyond it... lol...

Will I be brave enough?

Trying to scold my sealed lips
Trying to recite what I want to say a million times inside me
Trying to hold my heart beats till I see you
Trying to check time as it passes by, waiting!!!

With your one smile, here I am standing stunned
Smiling back at you, forgetting all I thought!
Why did I lose the battle again?
There goes my seed of trial, let me feed it with more courage
Will wait for a tomorrow for it to sprout…

Like a seed that goes into nothing after giving a tree
My love for you will go into nothing after I give it to you!!!
I realized my heart only when you left me…
Where am I supposed to bury my vanished dreams and frozen smiles?

I refuse to think about you!!!
I refuse to succumb to your thoughts!!!
I know it is a closed chapter
Trying to rub off the wasted pages of love
Trying to tear off the mirage of our world…

But how am I supposed to finish the words
Those are going beyond the full stop?
I leave it to time to heal
Till then I will break my chains and grow wings
And try to learn to fly…

This vacuum!!!

Music to touch my ears and graze my heart
Poems to touch my heart and to make me cry
Scenic beauty to touch my eyes
Wonderful books to catch my attention
Wholesome conversation to make me active
Twinkling stars to capture my thoughts
Wind singing a lullaby, while I lie in the hammock
Trees and flowers to dance for an eternal drum beat
Misty rain to quench their thirst
And the list goes on and on
Am I just stuffing all this into my empty loneliness?
But nothing seems to have changed within me
Just the vacuum that is spreading like the cosmic universe within me
I think I miss you…

Women!!!

Well women... What can I say about them? I read in Tamil literature that there are so many stages in a girl' s life from childhood to her death and each stage denoted by so many different names ( Arivai, Therivai, Pedhai, Pedhunbai,Mangai, Madandhai, Perillam penn etc. etc.). Did they give such names because they are special? Well, I guess so...

The multifaceted thought of a girl cannot be just explained by mere words. A girl thinks of so many different issues at the same given time. If she is so good in her ideas and view point and strength, why is that women are considered the weaker species? I have always been taken by surprise, by the way the male dominance hits you and puts you aside. Being a girl, it is just taken for granted that she is not capable of doing things on her own and there are a hundred fingers to point out and a hundred suggestions to say how else it could have been done better?

I happened to read in a literature recently that the Indian Penal Code has brought in new rules and regulations against Domestic violence, which is good. They have divided them into 4 main categories: Verbal or emotional abuse, Physical abuse, Sexual abuse and Financial abuse. Well, we know about the financial part, Don't we? Dowry asked or should i rather say demanded and received on top of the table or below the table or what ever....which we all have witnessed. We have heard about the physical abuse as well...it is just the Beating, thrashing, kicking, Burning etc. causing grievous injury. Sexual abuse is new... I can't comment on it!!!

But the new part is, if a girl is been verbally abused, for example any ill words about her or her family or anything that causes emotional hurt to her state of mind, that comes under the category of domestic violence too. Cool, isn't it? Well, have you heard your mother or your sister cry after a tough ruffle, that is called Domestic violence, My dear ladies. So, what are we going to do about it? well, it is just a passing cloud. Can we all fuss over a few spilt words? After all, the male has an inborn right in their genes, to call you names and not only you, your family too which includes your father, mother, brother and sister. Just swallow it like a bad mean horrible yucky bitter tablet and make sure we all drink enough water to get it down from your throat into the bottom of your heart. Let it stay there forever and we will soon have more to add on to this priceless treasure of zingers and make our life a sacrifice to human kind. It is just no big deal... We have a huge group to accompany us in this. In India, over 78% of women are victims of domestic violence... Hip hip hurray...We are not alone.

How proud do you think I am, to be born as a girl? Well, in spite of all these craps, women are doing pretty good in all the fields. I really should appreciate that...

A small survey to show what is happening:INDIA: CRIME AGAINST WOMEN

• One crime against women every three minutes
• One rape every 29 minutes
• One dowry death case every 77 minutes
• One case of cruelty by husband and relatives every nine minutes
  Source: National Crime Records Bureau

A joke to finally add on: A survey by the International Institute for Population Studies showed 56% of Indian women believed wife beating to be justified in certain circumstances. The reasons varied from going out without the husband's permission to cooking a bad meal. LOL... Keep going, My dear people... Just a few more years to touch the ground coz you are really stooping as low as possible. Good for you all....

Why is it so difficult to say sorry?

Sorry.... Such a small word with so much meaning in it. Why is it so difficult to say this small word at the right time to the right person? What is that which stops us from saying it? Is it the Pandora's box which remains seated within everyone silently with full of ego, anger, spite, jealousy, fear, hypocrisy, condescension, arrogance, which just springs open when u have the least resistance over it?

I have lost a lot of people in this due course of my silly life, because i could not bring my self to apologize. The hurt of losing the trust and love of that person continues like a deadly shadow. If only I could meddle with the time warp, I would definitely go back to say sorry, or guess i would try? As the awkward silence continues after a fight, I was just pulled far away from my friends and loved ones etc. The distance just kept growing and growing till it became a huge canyon in between the hearts and it becomes impossible to reach one another. Now even If I see them on their face, a multitude of feelings just run inside and finally I am just left to feel the pain and hurt and insult and remorse. Gone are the days, when forgiveness prevailed.

Even now, I have no backbone to go up to them to say sorry. I am so scared of being rejected again. If only I had the courage....

I apologize to those hearts which still carry the scar of whatever I did. I really do....

Chocolates and Icecreams

One more gift, these species has been blessed by god almighty is Chocolates and Ice creams...
Well I eat a lot of chocolates and ice creams, no matter how bad my skin gets. Don't want to give up on the very few happy things I do as well.

I had conducted a survey, while I was working in Doncaster and Bassetlaw Trust, amongst all the ladies. My only question was : What would you choose a nice round of making love with your Boyfriend or A lovely bar of chocolates and a nice book to go with it? Trust me... More than 80% wanted just the chocolates ( Guess it is less cumbersome and tasty too). The ones who chose the other choice were soon on this side of the rally too.

It is said Chocolates releases chemicals which can stimulate the sexual pleasure and it is also said that eating chocolates during pregnancy makes happy babies. I am not kidding, guys!!! Check it for yourself:http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/3604275.stm and http://www.alternet.org/sex/49855/

I love them in spite my bad gene pool of diabetes, hypertension and sorts of crap... Well! I really don't want to lose on the aspect of eating what I love, Immaterial of what it causes...

Music...

Where can I even start about music? It is one of my best friends and will be forever. Whenever I eat ice creams, I can almost hear my mom saying " you are gonna spoil your voice". Never really thought of it much, till I went to college. After singing in a few competitions and winning them, I realised I had an OK voice and atleast I am able to hold the note...(Thanks to my teacher who had taught carnatic vocal for 6 years, who had really put up with my nonsense).

Whether it is SPB singing "munpaniya" or Hariharan singing "kadhalai yaradi mudhalil solvadhu" or Haricharan singing "Unnai kandenne".... They all can put smile in the face and a give a very very heavy heart... If I keep saying about all my favourite songs, I think this space won't be enough. I haven't even started on the female playback singers and there is carnatic vocal, instrumental, Hindustani ghazals, and then there is all other genres like hip hop, blues, reggae, rap, Latin, Persian, etc etc ....

I can talk for an eternity about music through out...... Thank god that we are blessed with all these lovely voices. Life would have been a disaster without music...God bless all of them...

My son

I love my son and he is the only driving force for me in life. I will live for him and die for him. He makes me laugh and cry at the same time. He makes me happy and proud and drives me nuts. I have no patience and My mom always used to say" Well! may be I should have been so hard on you. You have a son not a computer. Well what can I say? I don't have patience.

One very interesting creature i met in my journey to el dorado told me that I am a terrible mom. But a wonderful father!!! I take this as an opportunity to congratulate myself for that. At least I am able to do one role properly.LOL...

Words of wisdom

• Money is not everything...
  There's MasterCard & Visa!
• Save water...Shower with your girl friend!
• Love thy neighbor...But don't get caught!
• Behind every successful man, there is a woman...And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two!
• Every man should marry...After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.
• Wise men never marry...And, when they marry they become *otherwise*.
• Children in backseats cause accidents...Accidents in backseats cause children!"
• Hard work never killed anybody..."But why take the risk!
• "Work fascinates me!"I can look at it for hours!!
• God made relatives...Thank God we can choose our friends.
• The more you learn, the more you know...The more you know, the more you forget!The more you forget, the less you know...So... why learn?!
• Love is photogenic...It needs darkness to *develop*!

Movie which disturbed me....

I love watching movies, anything that doesn't have too much violence or war stuff. I just feel very uncomfortable. I watched this movie called "Bridges of Madison County" by Meryl steep and Clint Eastwood. Simple but complex story, unperverted script and romance...

Let me give you all a briefing. In a very small village, Francesca(Meryl) lives her lovely but dull life with her husband and kids. Her duties are enormous right from the start of the day till the end. Never bothered to think of what she wanted to do in life, neither she tried to see. She loves her family, her husband but the routine and the midlife crisis and the question of what is her purpose makes her slightly disturbed.

Children are growing up and husband is busy and all of them go out of station leaving her for a week. When she goes out for a stroll on the bridge opposite her house, a photographer working for National geographic channel comes to her to asking for direction. She is surprised by his life style with so much freedom and his love for travelling. She falls for him and just wants to talk to him about everything she will not be able to see in her life time. Her desire and passion for life and her dull, placid life makes her to fall in love with him. She never felt so alive and the next three days are the best days of her life. She does everything she ever wanted to do and walks with him everywhere, talks to him, laughs with him and makes love to him everywhere in the kitchen, bathtub etc and etc.

Day four: It is time for her to leave him. Now she feels that he is just going to leave and brag about taking her to bed to all others and hurt her feelings and picks up a fight with him. He stands there silently and opens his heart. She knows that he really loves her. But now, she has to choose... Can she let go off her kids and husband and live with that guilt? She doesn't want her love to him be tainted in anyway. So decides to stay and continue her duties to the family with Lots of heartache and tears. She dies one day and she thinks of those 4 days even as she dies.

She writes a will and mentions that she wants to be burnt and to spread the ashes on the bridge where she met him first. She says that she could not let go of her responsibility when she was alive so at least let it mingle with him no that she is dead. Her children comes to know about this from her diary and her will. They still couldn't digest what their mother had done. At the end, they come to realise that every living person has a hidden self which lives and dies without ever having a chance to express. The children feels that at least their mom was able to live it for 4 days in her life and returns back to their lifeless shells.

True love is not just about the wedding, it has to continue for the whole life. Why is that wedding always stays not the love? Love just disappears into a thin film. If no one is happy with a family life and everyone is hurt at the end, what is the purpose of this restricting constraint? Why is that Sex for men is based on the body and for a women, its based on their minds? The laws of a society and suffocating constraints of family just makes women live in a world without air to breathe.And most of the women live a dead life anyways. But is it worth living life for others and not for ourselves...........

Love: mystery or misery

Love has always been a mystery to all. So many have just wasted away in front of this mirror like in Harry Potter's movie. Others are either brave enough to go on in life placidly or just dig a big grave inside, bury everything and die inside. If everyone has felt pain in our lives, it is when we lose our loved ones to either death or just failure. It feels really bad and leaves us with tear stained eyes and a heart that sinks to the bottom.

If it is such a misery, why do so many people fall in love? I think, no matter how it started whether by mere looks or by some chemistry or some mysterious magic and no matter what the duration is, let it be one day or month or a life time and no matter how it ends, whether in marriage or in court or just separating or in grave, you feel so alive to be liked by one. You do feel that your day has become brighter, you want to look good, you want to sing and do all kinds of nonsense.

Well that is why they say " IT IS BETTER TO HAVE LOVED AND LOST THAN NOT LOVED AT ALL". I agree....

Thamizh vazhga: Long live tamil

I have always enjoyed reading poetry especially in tamil. I have been an avid reader since childhood. One of my all time favourites are Aganannuru and Bharathiyar kavidaigal and Thirukurral.

There is one very favourite song of Mahakavi bharathiyar, which I would love to quote here.

தேடிச் சோறு நிதம் தின்று

பலசின்னஞ்சிறு கதைகள் பேசிவாடித் துன்பமிக உழன்று

பிறர்வாடப் பல செயல்கள் செய்துநரை கூடிக்

கிழப்பருவம் யெய்திகொடுங் கூற்றுக்கிரைஎனப்

பின்மாயும் பல வேடிக்கை மனிதரைப் போல

நானும் இங்கு வீழ்வேன் என்று நினைத்தாயோ
- மகா கவி சுப்ரமணிய பாரதி

Let me try and translate it to the best of my knowledge. Forgive me if there is any sorkutram and porulkutram ( Mistakes ).

This song is been addressed to Death

Searching for the daily bread

Bickering of unwanted things through out

Churning in the day to day misery

Hurting all others in the way of achieving pointless things

Getting older day by day

Succumbing for death finally and going without a trace

Do you think I am one of those funny people

Who would carry on life this way and fall your way....

Mahakavi Bharathi.

What a great personality and what a thinking? Hats off to him.

Shit happens...

Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits.
There is bullshit, horseshit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, shit, it's time for me to go.
Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day,without a bunch of shit.
But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........
Well, shit Happens!!!

Scared

One day in between the shadows of worries casting across my face
I happened to see your face
Someone introduced me to you…
May be I should have walked away
May be I should n’t have looked at you
May be I should n’t have listened to you
May be I should n’t have spoken to you
May be the rain that quenches the heat of the earth
Or the stars that has put a twinkle in my eyes
Should have warned me better…
Why is there silence in my words and
Epics in my eyes pouring my heart
And letting you soothe the hurt and pain within me….
How do I know you and how long do I know you?
Why are your words touching me with a feather
And making me heal within so much
May be the slight dampness in my eyes
Is just a mirage of your love…
Lying in your lap and playing with the heart of child
Holding on to your fingers and wondering
Are you trespassing into me already?
If I leave you will you miss me?
Hmmm…
Will you trust me if I say no or
Will you accept me if I say yes?
I know you are going to walk away soon from my world and my shadows
I beg you to walk out of my life slowly
And try to cause less pain as you go away please
I am so scared…

I am so happy today...

I got up from sleep and it is one of those days when you are just happy to be awake and alive. I feel so happy today. I don't know why. There are days when I felt that I should not get up from bed at all. But today, is not one of those days.

I went to bed with a smile in my face after a long time and have woken up from bed with a smile after a very very very long time. I don't know why. I don't know why my heart is so light today and every thing is cheerful. Who or what is responsible to have put this smile in my face?

I am listening to a song right now from 7G Rainbow colony called Ninaithu ninaithu by shreya goshal. What a beautiful song and such a lovely lyric and it is kinda sad and happy. There is a part which says this " muthal kanavu podhume kadhala! Kangal thirandhidu" which means This one dream is enough my love, open your eyes now. Well I feel like living a dream now...

Do you know in a few months time, I will be starting to do my PG in Coventry. Life is going to get real mechanical... Well, I just want to sit back and take a breath and enjoy this second till it lasts... Whom should I thank for this???

Men are from mars all right!!!

In this silly little life, when we ourselves are not sure of what we want, we start expecting so much from the opposite sex. We want them to be the way we want, laugh and speak and love the way we want...

Why do girls need guys??? Why is there always a word security hanging around the neck of the married girls and why not in others? I have been to UK and have worked there for 3 years. I had so many friends, staff nurses and colleagues etc. etc. Though they are not too much into marriage, they have live in relationships. A girl whether in India or UK, she is just the same. THEY ALL ARE THE SAME. I have seen it myself...

Why do we need an opposite sex so much in life? When I can work and earn for myself, take care of my problems single handed, why do I want a shoulder to lean on to or a lending ear? Why am I not sufficient to live my life alone with what ever I do?

It was then I happened to watch this movie called " SHALL WE DANCE" by Richard gere and Jennifer lopez and Susan sarandon. There was a very romantic dialogue which goes like this" We need a witness to our lives. There a billion people in the planet and what does any ones life meant? But in love and marriage, you are promising to care about everything, the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it. All the time and everyday. You are saying that you're life wont go unnoticed, because i will notice it. Your life wont be unwitnessed, coz i will be your witness."

Well is this really what we all want in life at the end of the day.... I don't know?

Best part: Indha karuvachiyyin velutha sindhanaigalil sila thuli

Well I always wanted to look like someone else. Never really liked my face, skin, smile, my posture.... I liked to be better to feel better. Appo than kamal sir, sonnadhu nyabagam vandhadhu( I remembered what Kamalhasan told in a movie), I think it was in Guna. My father has stuck his face on me..... I started liking my face after I lost my dad. I just wanted to have the same face even If I am born again.

But would definitely trade my attitude and my brain for someone or something better. lol.... When I was growing up, my mom and dad wanted me to dance, sing, draw, play, study and be happy. I grew up as a very happy child with lots of love and attention, Which has made me jack of all trade and master of none.

Well I became a doctor as they wished and learnt Bharathanatiyam for 13 years and learnt Classical vocal for 7 years and also started sketching.... But what is my purpose in life? I don't know. I still want to learn so much... I read in an article in reader's digest long time back, which was titled as 100 things I would like to do before I die. May be I should have something like that, a list or chart or something...

I am trying to find solace in this web world, after my tiring day. Funny, at some point of life, you just live with strangers with names all around you... And you are left all alone to figure out what you want and search on your own...

No offense whatso ever

Well People, I don't have any intention of hurting anyone. Just happened to see this and found it so very hilarious. Hope you all share my thoughts.

Confused to the core

Do I like you a bit, I don’t know
Do I have something hidden deep within me, I don’t know
If it is hidden within me, is it just a crush, I don’t know
Living life so confused…not knowing meaning of myriad of feelings
Left so lonely, is it right, I don’t know
Why am I so confused…

Are you the dawn or the dusk in my life, I don’t know
Are you just the beginning of an end or end of a beginning, I don’t know
I don’t have you in my heart and you don’t have me for sure
Is it right, I don’t know
But why do I keep saying this again and again…

I will not fall for you and I won’t love you for sure
But why do I keep saying this again and again…
Am I in love already, did my heart run away with your smile
Left so lonely, is it right, I don’t know
Why am I so confused…

When did you creep inside of my heart, I don’t know
You just laughed a little and got angry a little
Why am I looking for an answer from you,
Is it right, I don’t know
Why does my heart betray me always and let you toy me around
Why am I so confused…

You are still the same, you laugh and play and leave
What are you thinking of me, I don’t know
Should I say my heart or should I confide
What will you think of me, I don’t know
Why am I so confused…

Are you my blessing or a curse, I don’t know
Can we cross roads together, I don’t know
Will we be there for each other, I don’t know
All that I know is you are gone forever
Will you want me again, I don’t know
Will you come back, I don’t know
I now know one thing for sure
I understood what I felt for you only when I left you forever…
As your memories fade away from me…

Well living life is all about it, isnt it...

I was born and brought up in a place where there was a lot of freedom and love. I think that was the best part in my life so far... Coz getting both these elements together is very tough. Life takes us through so many hurdles and makes us happy, sad, lost, confused and we are all engrossed in these.

I sit in the hall of my grandmama's place and watch the age old fan which is still trying to run. I know it has seen 6 generations now till my son. All the women of the family looking at me from behind those tainted pictures hanging in the wall. I have felt love, loss, ecstasy and confusion in between this rat race of my life. I am so engrossed with it and feel that i am the only one here suffering. But now I am trying to recollect my ancestor's name. I know my mom and my grandma's name and her mom's. What about the other nameless faces who were there before???

They must have laughed like me, played like me, cried like me, loved like me. But where are the scripts to say who they are and how they lived and died. hahahahahaha... Not even a tiny bit of information. Funny isn't it. How can they have lived their lives this way? Am i just to scared to look beyond? Yes... the technology has improved so much...huh

Well i am trying to pick up the courage of putting myself in this massive time clock. I am important to my mom, husband and son and then to my friends. I might live for another decade or may be couple more. So how long will the ripple of my existence live across this space? I am going to be insignificant and then my memories will get eroded and I might become one of those nameless faces or may be with a name but without any significance. Like watching these poor souls pictures in the news paper in the condolence section...

So though, here we go, I know i am less than a tiny grain of sand in this vast beach and might erode into nothing, I continue to march into the daily rat race with a nice smile in my face. Brave of me, right... I would love to congratulate all the other grains of sands which comprise this massive time clock...

My trial number 2: Once in a misty night

Once in a misty night,
When the shadows touch each other
You and Me were there….
You took me in and made me come inside you
Here I look around, I have no worries
You eat for me, you sleep for me, and you have me within you
I have given you everything and I am not me anymore

Once in a lonely night,
I searched for you in my heart, my song and my music
Though I was within you, I was longing for you
My lonely heart sank and out came a song
My song melted you; you are nowhere to be seen
Here we are
You are gone and I am gone too
But we are in our shadows waiting for one last touch

Till then, My love
I don’t know where I end and where you start.
We are everywhere and we are nowhere
In the bliss of this sad night
Here I am waiting with my song
For one last touch.

chumma trial; Just for fun

Why is that I feel that I get just lonely and left alone and evapourate into this thin ethereal spirit and get lost for ever. I feel like an ant in this massive cyberspace

Well trial is all about it. What the bleep do we know