Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Hidden tears!!!

You know my being has always been a struggle…
Struggle to live, to breath, to be happy
However tough this struggle gets,
I’m undisturbed coz my heart is away

The bliss which reminds of those moments
The scents which reminds of you
The touches which reminds me of our nights
Now keeps coiling down into a shell!

Here I am… trying to leave a rock on that shell
Just to make sure, I don’t hear the screams of memory
Now and then, the rock does gets moved with the intensity of thought
And at that moment, I am surrounded by it…

A faint trace of tear on the cheek
A faint whiff of that stolen kiss
A bruise from your love
Keeps flicking at the back of my mind!

Night after night, I was just next to you
Watching you sleep and roll
And let you encroach my being
Here I am now barren…
From your thoughts, your touches and your love!

With the stream of time
Your thoughts, your smile and your face slips from mind
Here I fight to retain every drop of it
Though I look for your face, I hardly see it…

Still, those eyes glow in my dreams
How should I repay your love?
May be will die a million times, so I can keep seeing you
May be will give birth to you in all my lives I live…

But before I die, would love to see those eyes
May be when that day comes, we might be strangers
But with each beat of my heart, I will think of your eyes
But time has turned us into victims of circumstances!

Hope I get to prove my love, somewhere sometime when we meet
I will try to remember you again and again in all my lives
Even my tears would have shined happily
If, it had fallen at least near you
Till then my love, I will wait!


I recently had the pleasure of visiting Mantralayam ( Shri Ragavendra Swamigal ) near Andrapradesh and Karnataka border. A whole crew was traveling with me, including my mom, my son mrithun, my brother’s daughter Teju and a few more family friends. Journey was hectic, coz… Oh stop! If I start explaining about my journey that is gonna be a separate story. SO let me put a full stop to that and talk about what I wanted to say.

I am told and I too realized that giving alms to young children is a way of creating antisocial behavior. So I generally don’t give money, instead I give food and stuff.

That evening was so pleasant. We went to the temple and then went to Thungabathra River and lived inside the water like amphibians for more than 2 hours. I was so happy floating in the water with my son and my niece. I was filled with shrieks of laughter of both the small ones. Finally had to drag both of them out by force and started walking back to the lodge, as it was getting dark.

As we were walking inside the premises of the temple, there was a multitude of beggars. Some were physically challenged, some elderly people, some mothers with infants and a lot of children. I was walking with my son who yapping his heart out. I felt so proud.

As I was nearing the gate of the temple, There was this small boy almost my son’s age, but a little short stature, who came running towards me and started saying,” Amma! Amma! Romba pasikudumma! (Mother! I am very hungry). He had this sad tone, and I was trying not to listen to him and tried to brush him off.

My son stopped talking and started looking at him. This small fellow now started tugging my duppatta and he went on repeating the same thing. He was such a thin boy with big and bright eyes. For one crazy second, everything froze and I looked at both the boys on either side of me.

There was my son, who was dressed up neat and happy and secure with me and getting all his commands met some way or the other and there was this boy, who might be an orphan or might be having irresponsible abusive parents, or might be in the hands of the wrong sort of crowd. I was pretty sure he was not having three meals a day and nothing to wear, no security, no education and no future. He might turn into one of those druggies whom we meet in our day to day life and turn antisocial himself. The chances of a better future for him were so bleak.

Though I have always tried not to take notice of such things, what I call as “cruelty of fate?” I could not walk out on this boy. The harsh reality of life sort of slapped me on the face and all I could feel was this heavy sort of weight on my chest and could feel my eyes getting misty. I did not know what to do? I panicked and I wanted out of that situation. All that I could do was reach for the purse and grab the note; I could get hold of and gave it to him. I don’t even know whether it was a 50 or a 100 rupee bill. The minute I gave him the money, he scooted and there I held my son closer and watched him run away.

I was kinda confused at that instance at my own emotions. I was relieved that he went off happily and was also sad that I let go of him.

All I could do now is curse my self for the inability to get involved beyond that point. I still wonder if he was at least able to quench his hunger for one session. I wish and I hope so!!! I still keep telling myself that there was nothing much I could have done at that moment, though I don’t want to believe that!!!