What is that which makes us feel alive or dead inside? Do you all have same questions like I do? If so, have you ever stumbled upon the answers. I feel lonely with my questions. Mind it!!! Lonely, not Depressed or not Sad or not Confused.
Sometimes in the night, I sit down outside of my clinic, and look up at the billions and billions of stars that are looking at me. A million things buzz through my mind... A million faces... A million moments... A million noises... A million tears... A million pain... I get so lost in the time and feel so frozen in that moment. I sometimes don't know If I am in the past or present or future...
As I keep asking questions, Each of them mutate and I feel my past sprout out into the present and the present merge into the future. My future really holds up in vanity. Its overwhelming and compressing. But I tell myself that " I should keep living, because If I stop now, I will vanish".
I have been to looking at the same moon where ever i go. I sometimes feel that my world is buried under this earth. I know it sounds even crazy for me. But that is how I feel. Like Two halves cut inside me and kept far apart. One part lives in this world where people work, eat, sleep, shit and die. Where people worry about a house which is made of bricks and cement, which might crumble! Where people worry about money which is just paper as in toilet paper! Where everything is just a mask. I try to level myself up and try to say that this is the Race I am supposed to join and win. But it feels so Superfluous to me!
I believe that there are loads of things which might be of importance but I lack a drive to achieve them, which might make me a loser in the eyes of the world. I don't care about these things anymore. You know that you are always told about what is right and what is wrong? But what about the creatures who lives on the thin fragile line that lies between right and wrong, good and bad, beauty and ugly... so on?
Sometimes I feel fear... I feel it at such close proximity that I can almost smell it. There was a time, when I was so secure and now it has all washed away. Now even the most familiar steps cast shadows and Its my fear which stops me from climbing it. Then I feel my heart sicken and hear me ask myself " WILL YOU EVER BE HER AGAIN ?".
I have to tell you, I feel like a new person and the old one is gone. Sometimes I feel its my fear and loss that has changed into this new being. For " ONLY BRAVE WARRIORS FALL FROM THEIR HORSES IN BATTLE. HOW CAN A KNEELING COWARD EVER KNOW WHAT A FALL IS?" So I have come to realise that there is no going back to the other person, I once was and that other place. This thing, this stranger, SHE IS ALL I AM NOW.