Wednesday, December 5, 2007
No matter how many languages are spoken in
Some how, at the end of the day,
After exhausting ourselves minute after minute
In our speech....
A few words which belongs to you,
Always stay back inside my throat...
Though our days keeps colliding with one another
You always look at me the same way;
I always talk to you the same way
But still something gets transmitted in this immense silence...
I know your efforts to hide that moment
Do you know my efforts to confide all about that moment
Our seconds are getting acquainted with our minutes hide and seek
But I do understand now
All your silences are woven with your unheard dialogues.....
விலகல் இல்லை இது;
உனக்கான நேசமும் காதலும்
நாமிருவரும் நட்பாய் கை குலுக்கினோம்;
நதியின் பிரவாகமிருந்தது நமக்குள்......
காதலாய் நிறம் மாறியபோதும்
கனவுகள் பொங்கிற்று மனதில்!
திருமணம் என்ற உறவுக்குள் புகுந்த
நீ புருஷனாய் மாறிய
தொடுக்கத் தொடங்கினாய் அடுக்கடுக்காய்;
வாலியை மறைந்திருந்து வதம்
செய்த இராமபானங்களையும் விடவலிமையானவை அவை....
இரணமான நாட்களின் நினைவில்
இன்னும் கூடஇரத்தம் கசிகிறது நெஞ்சில்!
எவ்வளவு முயன்றும் -
உன்புதுப்பிக்கப் படாத ஆணெனும்
புராதன மூளைக்குள் காலங்காலமாய்
மனைவியின் பிரதியாய் மாறவே முடியவில்லை என்னால்
மன்னித்து விடு என் தோழா!
வேறு வழி தெரியவில்லை;
உன்னிடமிருந்து கால நதியின் சுழற்சியில்
மறுபடி நாம் சந்திக்க நேர்ந்தால்
கை குலுக்குவோம் ஒரு புன்னகையுடன்
நாமிருந்த கசப்புகளை மறந்து..........!
Monday, November 12, 2007
Deepavalli or Diwali is a huge event, when you are young and I remember my Diwali's both good and bad, all too well. My Diwali's have been so wonderful. My excitement for Diwali will start feverishly and will reach sky high. Clothes, Jewels, Shopping with my mom, Making sweets with my grandma and getting them sorted out in huge containers, Fishing for the biggest and most colourful kolam, Getting the loudest and the brightest of fire crackers, lots of relatives and family friends etc.....
The day before Diwali will start with Mehendhi... The next day morning we will run to the sink to wash it off and will start comparing who has got the most brightest colour of all. The Diwali day is a huge rush. We have to wake up in early in the morning and have to put the Kolam and then Oil bath, then pooja and then fire crackers and then breakfast and noisy family... Wearing new dress and strutting out with sweet trays to neighbours houses.... It used to feel so important. My Father and My younger brother will be happily teamed up with all loud crackers. I have the flashy ones... For so many years, This is the way Diwali has been for me.
My last Diwali with my father was the best one of all. I was in the first year of college and Dressed up in a pretty costume and was feeling really nice. The day passes away with its usual flamboyance and the evening was the time for all the flashy crackers, My turn, you see. Lots of flower pots and sticks and stuff like that. All of us were in our portico and cackling and surrounded by laughter, love, lights and fumes of the crackers. My Dad, My chithappa ( whom I have not spoken in years now and whom I love next to my father ), My Mom, My grandma, My elder and my younger brother and few family friends and people who live at my house ( maids and their family )...... Huge crowd!
So somewhere around 7, when I was firing a flower pot, it burst with a loud noise and flame and I reacted to it by turning my head to the other side. But my Right hand took the whole brunt of the fire. The very next second, My Dad and my chithappa were on either side of me and literally carried me inside the house. I kept telling that I was fine and they are just fussing over nothing, I lost consciousness for a few seconds, I guess because of the shock and pain. When I woke up, I could see my whole family around me looking with such anxiousness. Though I was in a lot of pain, I treasure that second and that scene in my heart. My whole family especially my Dad and my Chithappa next to me.... I have never felt so secure in my life, ever since. I remember my Dad sitting in a chair next to me the whole night and sponging my hand and applying medication through out.
The following Diwali, My Dad was not there. Honestly, My Diwali's and my B'days were no longer important in my life after that. That Diwali was so depressing and all that mattered so much, suddenly lost its importance. Honestly, I have not fired a cracker since my Dad passed away. I still watch people celebrate Diwali and all I see is the scars of my hand with lost past and a deep vacuum and tears...
But this year, I am in Kerala working in a Hospital near Thrissur and I was working on the Diwali and couldn't avail leave. Diwali is not a big deal in Kerala and I swear I didn't even hear a single noise of a cracker. I finished my shift and went to the office to finish the official work handed over to me. My Hospital Administrator cum a lovely friend Mr. Jacob greeted me and handed some sweets and wished me. I thanked him and started with my work. At around 7 in the evening, he called me down to the lobby. As I walked down, The whole place was lit with more than 200 lamps and it was such a mesmerising sight. I was absolutely speechless. There was a huge team behind this effort... ( Big and Small Girish, Shaji sir, Sadhanandhan sir, Thambi sir, Jossy, Sadhik, Latheef, Vipin and Of course our CA Jomon and our Administrator Jacob sir )..... All I could do was, look at Jacob sir and say "Thank you sir!".
All they did was give me a smile back and Jacob sir said " You're most welcome'' ( In his usual style and slang! Of course ! ). Honestly after a long time, I had a Diwali moment, I can treasure and carry in my hearts......
With all this crap, My days have rolled into weeks and weeks into months and months into years. All I am left with is frustration beyond words. As I tear upon each date and bid the dead day a good bye, for a flick of a second, Your smile and face comes into my my mind. At that moment, a feeling I can't explain creeps into my heart. It might be terror or anguish or sorrow or desperation or may be a blend of all, But it grips my throat and I hear myself asking, " How in the world, Am I able to spend each day without you ? " Have I forgotten you and all about you? No..... I still live surrounded by your memories, smile, your smell, your warmth and your love. I have not forgotten any, Daddy.
In the every day struggle, I keep looking around for your shoulder to lean on too and your voice to calm me. Though I know it might not happen, I still search for you. It feels like you have just gone away on a long vacation and any minute you will open and enter the gate in your usual speed and style. My ears still wait to hear for the horn of your vehicle, so that I can coming running to the gate and open it for you with a smile, Daddy.
When I get dressed up, I look around to hear you say that I am looking gorgeous. You made me feel so good and made me happy and wanted and unique. Daddy, I might not deserve it. But you were such a lovely daddy. Sometimes, In between my sleep, when my mind is alert and quiet, I can hear the songs you hum and I suddenly get wrapped in your smell and warmth. There are times when I have been intolerable and have disappointed and hurt you, But I was stupid, Daddy. Now I beg in my heart each day for your forgiveness.
My words are totally lost and All I can tell you is " I love you and I miss you too much!... I watch Cuckoo and Teju play and through a mist of tears, I just wonder why these kids didn't have the pleasure of knowing their Grandpa!!! Daddy, you would have been an excellent grandpa. You know, Dad! The relationship between all of us are so constrained nowadays. It would have been so much better if you had been there. I still long for the days, when the words like " Family", " Love", " Bond", " Trust", " Affection", " Forgiveness"
The days I spent with you have turned into mere dreams and they cover me in layers. Daddy, The Most happiest moments of my life was with you and the Most lost moments which can never be rectified were too because of you. Though I carry myself around with some hope and courage, My world is dark without you.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
You know my being has always been a struggle…
Struggle to live, to breath, to be happy
However tough this struggle gets,
I’m undisturbed coz my heart is away
The bliss which reminds of those moments
The scents which reminds of you
The touches which reminds me of our nights
Now keeps coiling down into a shell!
Here I am… trying to leave a rock on that shell
Just to make sure, I don’t hear the screams of memory
Now and then, the rock does gets moved with the intensity of thought
And at that moment, I am surrounded by it…
A faint trace of tear on the cheek
A faint whiff of that stolen kiss
A bruise from your love
Keeps flicking at the back of my mind!
Night after night, I was just next to you
Watching you sleep and roll
And let you encroach my being
Here I am now barren…
From your thoughts, your touches and your love!
With the stream of time
Your thoughts, your smile and your face slips from mind
Here I fight to retain every drop of it
Though I look for your face, I hardly see it…
Still, those eyes glow in my dreams
How should I repay your love?
May be will die a million times, so I can keep seeing you
May be will give birth to you in all my lives I live…
But before I die, would love to see those eyes
May be when that day comes, we might be strangers
But with each beat of my heart, I will think of your eyes
But time has turned us into victims of circumstances!
Hope I get to prove my love, somewhere sometime when we meet
I will try to remember you again and again in all my lives
Even my tears would have shined happily
If, it had fallen at least near you
Till then my love, I will wait!
I am told and I too realized that giving alms to young children is a way of creating antisocial behavior. So I generally don’t give money, instead I give food and stuff.
That evening was so pleasant. We went to the temple and then went to Thungabathra River and lived inside the water like amphibians for more than 2 hours. I was so happy floating in the water with my son and my niece. I was filled with shrieks of laughter of both the small ones. Finally had to drag both of them out by force and started walking back to the lodge, as it was getting dark.
As we were walking inside the premises of the temple, there was a multitude of beggars. Some were physically challenged, some elderly people, some mothers with infants and a lot of children. I was walking with my son who yapping his heart out. I felt so proud.
As I was nearing the gate of the temple, There was this small boy almost my son’s age, but a little short stature, who came running towards me and started saying,” Amma! Amma! Romba pasikudumma! (Mother! I am very hungry). He had this sad tone, and I was trying not to listen to him and tried to brush him off.
My son stopped talking and started looking at him. This small fellow now started tugging my duppatta and he went on repeating the same thing. He was such a thin boy with big and bright eyes. For one crazy second, everything froze and I looked at both the boys on either side of me.
There was my son, who was dressed up neat and happy and secure with me and getting all his commands met some way or the other and there was this boy, who might be an orphan or might be having irresponsible abusive parents, or might be in the hands of the wrong sort of crowd. I was pretty sure he was not having three meals a day and nothing to wear, no security, no education and no future. He might turn into one of those druggies whom we meet in our day to day life and turn antisocial himself. The chances of a better future for him were so bleak.
Though I have always tried not to take notice of such things, what I call as “cruelty of fate?” I could not walk out on this boy. The harsh reality of life sort of slapped me on the face and all I could feel was this heavy sort of weight on my chest and could feel my eyes getting misty. I did not know what to do? I panicked and I wanted out of that situation. All that I could do was reach for the purse and grab the note; I could get hold of and gave it to him. I don’t even know whether it was a 50 or a 100 rupee bill. The minute I gave him the money, he scooted and there I held my son closer and watched him run away.
I was kinda confused at that instance at my own emotions. I was relieved that he went off happily and was also sad that I let go of him.
All I could do now is curse my self for the inability to get involved beyond that point. I still wonder if he was at least able to quench his hunger for one session. I wish and I hope so!!! I still keep telling myself that there was nothing much I could have done at that moment, though I don’t want to believe that!!!
Monday, October 15, 2007
It’s not going to get over in a minute or a day
As the screen keep changing, people keep change too
None of today’s pain or tears can be shed tomorrow
It is always gone…
No matter how many million drops of tear is shed
The life always start with a bright sunshine
Right from the time we leave the door of womb
The search for door has never seized!
Behind each door lie a million stories
Each page filled with tear, love, happiness, vengeance, hurt, victory, loss, ache,
When the final door is all left, nothing matters!
Born in the war zone
Armed to go on fight against time all the time,
None of what enters or leaves matter anymore
When the life freezes in eternity,
You will learn
Prick of a thorn is not the death of soul!
When your path is darkened,
Even your shadow will leave your side.
May be then you will realize
You will be your only soul mate…
This loneliness will not leave you
Till you turn to ash!
When you know the game
You can rest in the petals of the truth
And then you can fight against the darkest of all
May be then you will learn the eternal truth
Nothing is constant and your mist will disappear
Then heart will keep walking back and forth in the mirage
May be in hope to find God there!
The fight for survival will tell you what is all yours!
That is just the calculation of heart!
The fight for passion will tell you who mates who
That is just the calculation of the body!
You will come to know nothing is going to be yours or mine
Whoever created it will take it in the end
What is good and what is bad
World might have its own rules
No matter how you search you are in vain
Because you will never find that drop in this ocean!
You will be a mere witness of all this cosmic joke
You will have to perform it till the very end!
You can never quit!
May be this charade will need lots of masks, lots of faces
Be ready to wear them!
May be will find the plot with twists and path with bends
Be ready to change your direction!
Be ready to end the story how ever it goes!
Will you still need another life?
Sunday, October 14, 2007
In such an effort, I got hold of this book from my colleague Dr. Devi, whom I had pestered for books ( light reading only). She said this was the only book she thought would be light. Imagine!!! I never had any idea about Bhagwan Rajneesh or his work. This now might sound crazy, I was actually following whatever he was talking about. I was stupefied with the mysterious attitude and his concepts and his explanations. What really took me by surprise, is his simplification of everything...
This book was based on Zen stories and it is called " NO WATER, NO MOON". It was written in 1974!!! Long before I was born. The prelogue says that, " This book is precious. It is a treasure. It is a gift from the existence to you, calling you to come back home". Kinda weird, ain't it. But that is exactly how I felt, when I finished the last page.
He speaks of love, sex, relationship, birth, religions, rituals, character, fanaticism, death etc from a completely different angle. He brings a different concept to everything. It sort of strikes off everything I ever knew of, every thing I thought was right and every idea I had... I felt washed out...
I will try and just sprinkle a few things that impressed me in the coming blogs. I am in the move to read more of them. Will SHARE IT WITH YOU SOON!!!
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
New place, New job, New language, New friends and a new beginning...
So life is going on as if a fresh page has been opened and it always has its surprise...
IT will pretty much be the same incidences stage played in a different setup, with different people and different audiences with the same dialogues in a different dialect
But it is going on fine!!! I should say...
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Saturday, August 25, 2007
2. மார்கழி பனியில் நான் போட்ட கோலம்
3. விடிந்தும் விடியாத வானில் வரும் ரத்த சிவப்பு
4. புதிதாய் நான் போட்ட தாவணி
5. அடை மழையில் என்னோடு நனையும் என் செல்ல மொட்டை மாடி
6. திட்டி கொஞ்சி அதட்டி சோறு ஊட்டும் தாய்
7. ஜுரத்தொடு உடம்பு முறுக்கி வரும் வலி
9. பஞ்சு பொதியை போல் நீல வானின் நடுவில் மிதக்கும் வெண் மேகங்கள்
10. தினமும் நான் இடிப்பட்ட என் பஸ்
11. கண நேரம் ஆனாலும் கண்ணோடு கண் நோக்கி மறு நிமிடம் மறையும் திடீர் ஈர்ப்பு
12. வியர்வை மழையில் வெம்பி நனையும் சமயம் உள்ளே நுழைந்ததும் முகம் தாக்கும் சில்லென்ற குளிர் அறை
13. பௌர்ணமி இருட்டில் நிலவொளியில் தங்கமாய் மாறி காலை தழுவும் கடற்கரை அலை
14. இலையில் முகம் மறைத்து எங்கோ குரலால் அடையாளம் காட்டும் அந்த கருப்பு குயில்
15. கண்ணாடியாய் நீர் கூழாங்கற்கள் பளபளக்க ஓடும் மெல்லிய நீரோடை
16. முன் பின் தெரியாமல் போயினும் சக உயிருக்காக சட்டென்று கண் நனைக்கும் மனிதம்
17. எத்தனை முறை கேட்டாலும் மெய் சிலிர்க்க வைக்கும் ஜன கண மன
18. முகத்தில் மழை சாரல் அடிக்க ஜன்னலில் சாய்ந்து சுட சுட குடிக்கும் தேநீர்
19. நிமிட நேர பிரயாணத்தில், ஒரு முறை பல முறை முகம் பார்க்க கண்கள் இருந்தால், நான் அழகு தான் என்று உள்ளே பீறிடும் திமிர்
20. மதியம் உண்டதும் உடல் முழுவதும் பரவும் மெல்லிய மயக்கம்
21. ஆணா பெண்ணா என்ற ஆதார குழப்பம் இருப்பினும், பிறந்து உழன்று இறப்போர் நடுவே தலை நிமிர்ந்து நடக்கும் திரு நங்கைகள்
22. கட்டில் மேடையில் கட்டி புரந்து சண்டையிட்டு வியர்வை முத்துக்கள் கோர்த்து இருவரும் தோல்வி தழுவ, காதோரத்தில் கேட்கும் கூசும் சூடான மூச்சு
23. பசியோடு வரும் சமயம் கமகம நெய்வாசம்
24. தூக்கம் தழுவும் நேரம் மெலிதாக நெஞ்சை நனைக்கும் இசை
25. சீரான சாலையில் பாடல் காதில் ஒலிக்க காற்று தலை கலைக்க காதலை கட்டி செல்லும் நீண்ட தூர பயணம்
26. தள்ளாத முதுமையிலும் கையோடு கை கோர்த்து ஒன்றாக வாழ்ந்து வயதான தாம்பாத்தியம்
27. நரை ஓடியும் நாடி தளர்ந்து போனாலும் முதுகு மேல் கோணி கொண்டு இன்னும் வேலை தேடும் முதுமை
28. குளிர் உறைந்து நடுங்க செய்யினும் உள்ளுக்குள் சூடு காக்கும் என் கம்பளி
29. தூங்கி எழுந்த பின்னும் படுக்கை விட்டு நகராமல் உருள வைக்கும் பாம்பு சோம்பல்
30. பிடிக்குமோ பிடிக்கவில்லையோ எந்நேரமும் நான் முணுமுணுக்கும் ராகங்கள்
31. எப்போதாவது தோன்றி அதிலும் எப்போதாவது ருசியாய் வரும் என் சமையல்
33. எழுந்தே ஆகவேண்டும் என்று தெரிந்தும் எனக்கு நானே கொடுத்த கொள்ளும் கடைசி 2 நிமிட தூக்கம்
34. எங்கே கேட்டாலும் நாமும் சேர்ந்து கொள்ள தூண்டும் சிரிப்பு
35. எழுத முடியவில்லை எனினும் கவிஞர் போல் கவித்துவமை எழுத ஆவல்
36. விழுந்து புரண்டு தூங்க ஏக இடம் இருந்தும் முதுகு ஒட்டி என் வாசம் பிடித்து தூங்கும் என் செல்ல மகன்
37. என் ஜன்னலின் வழியே பார்த்தால் நான் பார்த்த சந்தோஷத்தில் சலசலக்கும் மரங்கள்
38. என்ன மொழியோ, நிறமோ, ஊரோ, பெண்ணின் குமரி பருவமோ, தாய்மையோ, முதுமையோ பார்த்ததும் மனம் கவ்வும் பாந்தமான அழகு
39. விண்ணை முட்டும் கட்டடங்கள் இருந்தும் அதன் மத்தியில் இன்னும் முற்றம் தாங்கி நிற்கும் வயதான பழுப்பெறிய வீடுகள்
40. நான் இருக்கிறேன் என்று எப்போதும் ஞாபகம் செய்யும் தோழமை
41. கலாசாரம் பண்பாடு எல்லாம் நடைமுறையில் முரண்பட்டு கிடந்தும், பார்த்ததும் ஒரு வினாடி நெஞ்சை கிள்ளி விடும் அந்த மஞ்சள் வாசத்துடன் அந்த புது தாலி கயிறு
42. காலும் மனதும் நனைக்க நின்றதும், அதை தனக்குள் இழுத்து தன்னையே பார்க்க சொல்லும் அலையும் மணலும்
43. குளித்து முடித்து கிளம்பியே ஆகவேண்டும் ஆயினும் ஒரு வினாடி திருடி, மறுபடி கண்ணாடி பார்க்கும் சந்தோஷம்
44. கடகட ரயிலில் நிமிடம் ஒரு படம் மாறும் ஜன்னல்
45. வளர்ந்து கொண்டே இருப்பினும் இன்னும் என் மகன் மேல் வீசும் பால்வாசம்
46. விடியல் சூரியன் உள்ளே வர அதில் மிதக்கும் தங்க துகளாய் தூசிகள்
47. கருத்த மேக கன்னத்தை கோபத்தில் கிழிக்கும் மின்னல் கீற்றுகள்
48. எத்தனையோ குளிர் பாணங்களும் ஐஸ்க்ரீம் இருப்பினும் கை கட்டை விரலால் இன்னும் தின்ன சுவை காட்டும் நுங்கு
49. வரிசை வரிசையாய் வீட்டு சுவற்றில் கார்த்திகை தீபம்
50. எந்த ஆட்டம் போட்டாலும், எத்தனை பெயர் பெற்றாலும், எத்தனை கோடி கொண்டாலும் கடைசியில் அடையப்போவது இதை தானே என்ற தத்துவம் உணர்ந்து அமைதியை வேடிக்கை பார்க்கும் அந்த சுடுகாடு
Thursday, August 23, 2007
May be it will feel like this, when we meet?
The days keeps trickling down our life
The time keeps racing into null
These dreams are all that I have in me...
Will I be searching my needs in your shadow?
Will you do the same, when we meet
May be the days and nights might enter a sweet monotony
The scatter of light and dark might keep spilling in our bed
While we have no strength left in us to replenish...
Will this hunger be quenched with your flesh?
Or will my search run beyond the horizon?
May be we can be the witness of all these only in this bed
Each of us praying, begging, crying and showering the other with whatever they want
All at once!
May be this bed might remember the last drops of pain and nectar
May be the earth of my body might keep screaming for you
My language of rain will always fall into your ears of river...
May be when our eyes lock into eternity
I might be willing to give you my everything;
You might be willing to taste me
You might be that person, that lover
Who will love my inside and out gently
And can look into my scars as my jewels...
Will you be there to carry my pain during my work, my days and our nights
May be our nights will cross their borders to seek a new Ecstasy!!!
Will it be like this...
When your lips taste my skin and moisture,
My eyes might explode into a million stars.
When your hands keep touching me in the dark of the night,
My soul might dissolve and join your moon...
The thirst for your lips might dry up my heart
The nectar of my inner sweetness might fill you eternally...
The final moments of anger and anxiety and deathly search to reach the climax
Our heart beats will only prevail till you enter my centre
As it happens, watch all the pandemonium of colours will settle...
All I might hear would be your breath near my ears
And crushed with your weight on me...
All that you will remember of me would be that last minute moans and cries
As I watch you thrust me into nothingness...
Here we might walk and swim and run towards the horizon
Where you and I will just burst and vanish into oblivion...
Tears trickling at the corner of my eyes
As I lie alone right now, Here I think
This is how it might be?
And all that is left in me now is a sad question...
When will I meet you?
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
I see nothing change;
In the swarm of souls, I keep searching for faces...
Faces everywhere and of every dimension and magnitude
I stop for a second to strip my thought to get that one face I search for...
Looking and scrutinising and stunned with the faces
I watch my face swimming in the vast pool of memories with others
What can I do?
Should I give into this madness...
Should I stop looking for that one and only face?
I can't stop, now. Can I?
My love for that face has consumed my soul inside out
I am nearly dead without it...
All I can do is search till the end...
But all I see is bits and pieces of that face!!!
Feeling weird and lost in insanity!
Have you ever thought of stealing a face?
A smile from a face...
A frown from another...
A tear from another...
A look from one more...
A tenderness from somewhere else...
So on and so forth in a jumbled mess!
All put together, Here I stand in front of this face!
I watch this face look at me!
Ohh!!! It is not the same
May be it didn't even exist!
May be it was just a face I dreamt off!
Find that face which looked in my eyes and touched my soul
Find me my dream at least!!!
Till then I am lost forever...
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
So I started learning Bharathanatiyam, when I was 4 or 5 and I was the first student to learn it and was famous those days. But with all the gifts and attention, My twin bro got highly irritated and at one point, he started to challenge me, while I was practising. I was stupid enough to take up his challenge. But to every one's surprise, he had so much of grasping power. Though he had never danced even once, he picked up almost 2 years of my classes. He was good enough to level me up at my varnam!!!
Alas!!! My short span of attention and stuff just went down the drain. Once again, he outbeat me... Though I don't remember much details, there are a few parts of laughter here and there.
Once we were supposed to perform in a Rotary club, We had a hectic schedule and to lighten up the crowd, My dance teacher decided to let us do a peppy number, probably " Jhoot bhole kawwa kathe" from Bobby, if I am not wrong. We had to watch that song on VCR like over a thousand times to get the same steps. We later realised it was a huge event and the chief guest was My chithappa, who was a minister at that time and loads of Police officials, Rotarian's and Doctors and their families were invited. Almost a 3 hours programme. Every thing was going as per schedule and it was really nice. Nice costumes and loads of applause to start with.
There was a particular step in which I am supposed to sit down and beg my brother and catch hold of his foot. Never really liked that step, coz I had to catch his foot. I even tried to bribe my dance miss to either change it or replace it with some other step. Cool isn't it? I was, what around 6 or 7 and already trying to bribe. Well the attempt was a sooper dooper failure... And I was furious and never used to do that step on rehearsal, even once.
On that big night, We were performing this song. At that particular step, I felt so furious to have to hold his foot, in front of so many people. So I might have pinched him, a bit, by mistake, I guess. But he stamped my hand in return. That was it... The rage that was suppressed for all those long hours, days and weeks, from inside just burst out. I attacked him like a tigress with all vengeance and started biting his arms. He pulled my hairdo and flip fell my wig and That was it. There was a mini war and bloodshed on stage, like never before. After a moment of silence, there was a sudden outburst of laughter in the crowd. My mom and my dance miss literally sank so low in their chairs at that instance, cowering their faces.
So much cursing, crying, shouting, hitting and running around for "Jhoot bhole" on stage was apparently more hilarious and more entertaining to the crowd, rather than the steps we got after gruelling practise sessions. Finally the Inspector and the Sub inspector of police, who came as my Chithappa's security, had to climb up the stage and had to pull us apart and carry us, out of the stage. This photo was taken in the back stage and can you still see the anger and irritation on both our faces!!!
For my embarrassment, people still do remember that incident and quote it now and then. Especially when they see me with my son, who looks at me like an alien and rolls and laughs at me, after the narration is over.
My twin brother, still keeps saying now and then, I was after all made of the left over and he seemed to have acquired the best and I am his so called
"FACTORY REJECTED PIECE". I love him so much!!!
Friday, July 6, 2007
Why are we attracted to a person, We know isn't good enough? Why do we fall for the wrong person?
Is it because We are hoping that we are wrong, whenever that voice whispers inside our head? And every time he does something that tells you that he is not good, You ignore it. And every time he comes through and surprises you, He wins you over. And You always lose the argument with yourself "THAT HE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH
It is hard to believe when you hear people say," I know how you feel". But if you are really hurt at heart, I actually know how you feel. I understand the feeling that is as small and insignificant as humanly possible. And How it can actually ache in places inside that you never knew that where inside you.
And It doesn't matter how many new make overs you have, how many places you go to, or however you spend your time, You are still going to lie down every night thinking of each and every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And How in the hell in that briefest moment of uncertainity, you could think that you were actually that happy.
After all that, How ever long that may be, You might go somewhere new, meet people who will make you feel worth while again and you make friends. The bits and pieces of your lost soul will finally come back to you. And all the fuzzy stuff, those years that you have wasted, THAT WILL EVENTUALLY BEGIN TO FADE AWAY.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
The map of my long journey and roads lies unfolded
All I have is the shadows of twilight to show me the path
What am I afraid off?
My footprints are smeared all along my road
But I will not know with what?
But I am still scared!
Fate does twinkle at us like a distant cold star…
Behind every closed doors and folded palms something awaits
But Am I aware of it?
Can I rest a while please!!!
Do I have time for that one second of death?
Can I quench my thirst with a few drops from the dried up roots
Our rivers might bring us together
What else can we hold in this mystic journey?
Except for a few twigs of hope!!!
My minutes were just spent making plans
Thinking every second, even in my nights
Lied only one single question…
How can I win your eyes?
My quests were all done, only to win for your eyes!!!
My eyes and face kept doing charades every day…
Now that the end is near in this hourglass…
Here my emotions have eroded!!!
Here my words have dissolved!!!
Here my eyes have evaporated!!!
And I can see your eyes now…
And I look at you, but you mean nothing anymore…
Like a distorted image of a colours!
We live under the same roof,
We share the same floor,
We breathe the same air that carries your and my scents!
I can hear your footsteps and so can you!
I can feel what you are doing this minute
And I know you too can sense me!
Under this same house,
We live in our separate homes.
Though my essence still keeps waltzing in your rooms,
Your home is not mine!
Though your pictures smiles from my walls
My home is not yours!
My house is my home
Your house is your home!!!
Our barricades never touches each other
In a sad and distant way…
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
Kiss on the Forehead = I hope we're together forever
Saturday, June 9, 2007
So, If it is the case, When did rules and regulations come into place? When did ideas like One man for One woman and stuff like that come into existence? Why do we give importance to culture like wedding and sex after marriage, at least for name sake? Why is it still difficult to discuss about sexual feelings, doubts, experimentation's and expertise to anyone openly? And most of all, why is there a bunch of people who keeps saying India is so rich in tradition and culture and heritage and should not let such discussions about sex education and premarital sex into this country?
For a country, which is so laden with rich tradition and moral values, India is still topping the chart in second place in AIDS in world. And In my experience of working in a few rural areas, the amount of illegal abortions and stuff is huge. Same goes to the cities and towns as well. So If sex is happening everywhere, Why are we not still open minded about it and talk and accept it? How can a same act be ok if done in secrecy, how much ever out of the way it could be but not to be discussed? Why is there so much of hippocracy and idiocracy associated with it?
One of my colleague is a widow and she is not interested in getting married again because of her bad previous marital life. And One of my friend is a divorcee with one kid and One of them is just so terribly abused by her husband financially, emotionally and physically. All three of them have the same question in life. That is " I AM NOT INTERESTED IN GETTING MARRIED AGAIN, BUT HOW CAN I SATISFY MY SEXUAL URGE?''. One of them was so depressed, She had to take a help of a Psychiatrist and finally had a counselling to channelise herself in healthy activities like going to temple or reading or getting involved in family more. Funny, I felt... When men can f**k and s***w anyone they feel like, why can't women? What is wrong with it? Is there anything wrong in it? The needs and wants are the same to both men and women, isn't it?
If Sex and other stuff are going under the table at such alarming rates, Why is it wrong to have just a plain sexual relationship? Why is it so difficult in India to get out of society's tongue? If it had been a different country or a culture, It is no big deal. Coz That is what it is... SEXUAL URGE is like hunger...
I am not trying to demoralise the values that are existing in anyways. But If things are happening, Why can't we accept it as it is, without trying to pass on a judgement. Girls are always a target for any sort of insult. In every country and culture, If a man has to be insulted, the women in the family are being tainted. How is that every bad word in every country be talking about the women's genital? If Sex is divine and so honourable, why are we not able to see such theories in real life?
Well, I don't know what to say further. If at all, there is something that has improved, women are getting literate and they are able to stand on their own and able to make decision on their own, at least for a little bit. But no matter, where they are born and how they are been raised and how they settle down, every where women live their life in false pretense most of the times. I have seen so many women of different age groups, still not knowing what an orgasm is. Well, when sex is high on the roof, even then it is the men who are having the most of it. Nothing much...
When a women is been sexually harassed, it causes her so much pain and mental trauma. Have you heard anything like this associated with men? Well, I have not. I have read that Starting from the most ancient times till now, during war in which ever country it is, thousands and thousands of women are being rapped and killed and incapacitated. Why does women automatically become the weaker sex? Is it because of the fact, women are mere recepients of a few secretions from the glands of men or because they can get pregnant and men cannot or is it just because of all the age old crap being fed into every single men that they are some kind of superior race?
Well, I heard a phrase, a funny one, which talks about rape, " If you can't fight it, just lie back and enjoy it". Very cruel, I used to think once, Now I am not sure what sort of feelings it stirrs inside of me. Whatever it is, I just want to say that there is still discrimination between men and women everywhere, right from bed.
As years pass by, the names which were so important in my life, has turned into mere names, with nothing else ringing bell. Why does that happen? Does it happen to all? What is the purpose of something so beautiful just turning so insignificant? If we all had some distant vision, would we have walked holding any relationship so close to your heart and ultimately have it stabbed so badly and walk with just scars inside, which even now bleeds? Is it God who plays behind all this? Well, Does God have time for all this? Finally, Who is God anyways?
As I was talking to my son, who is now 5, he suddenly asked me a weird question. He asked me whom all I knew died or passed away? I told him that I watched both my Grandpa's and my Grandma ( My father's mom) and My Dad and My Athai (both were doctors who passed away tragically at younger age) and two of my classmates (One was senthil kumar who committed suicide when he was in the first year of college and another friend who drowned and died) and a friend's husband who died when he was just around 26 leaving my friend and her 2 year old son and so on.
As I was listing and each time I said one name, A reel of images of them laughing with me and their faces at their death and all these painful things kept stirring in. Suddenly My son threw a question at me again, asking whether I will die? Well I didn't know what to say for less than a second. Then I had to lift my head and say "Yes! Pappa, Mommy will die one day too". His next question threw me off my balance totally. He asked me, " Mom! Then, Will I die too"?
What should I say to him? It was such a horror laden thought to think of my Son that way. But, I did not want to lie to him, So I told him, "Yes! Pappa, You will die some day too". He got a bit upset and said that he did not want to die. Well, Don't we all... Then, he just settled with something to play and left me with so many questions hanging in the air.
In most of the epics, I have heard of all Rishis and Gurus asking for not giving them rebirth again. Well, If I am asked, what will I say? I definitely don't want to be born, for sure... Too much pain...
One of the best part I liked in Mahabaratha is the final journey of all the Pandavas and Drowpathi and a Dog to heaven with their bodily forms. When everyone falls, King Dharuma will be the one with the Dog who would be standing in front of the Gates of Heaven, where He would be asked a lot of questions. One of the questions directed to him was WHAT IS THE MOST FUNNY THING IN THIS WORLD ?
Guess what would have been his answer. Well! He said that PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW SIT AND CRY FOR THE PERSON WHO DIED TODAY, this is the most funny thing in this world. Thinking of which, It is such a true word but hard to digest.
Well! There will be an opening line in the animation movie called Antz where Woody Allen would have given voice to a character called Z. He would have been a depressed and confused ant who will have a session in his Psychiatrist and keep saying he feels so insignificant. And the Psychiatrist will shout, Well... Z! You have made a Breakthrough!!! YOU ARE INSIGNIFICANT!!!
There you go!!! Shout you people of earth! Time is of no concern, words are of no concern and nothing is of no concern, Coz, We are so insignificant... All we can do in this, is just live and let live happily.
So far, i have only one best friend, in whom I confide everything. Funny, we don't talk regularly or update ourselves frequently. But whenever we talk, I could just feel the same warmth and care and affection in her for me. She is such a wonderful person. She always says that i run into relationships and get out heart broken. She used to be picky all the times, with friends. But I used to make both friends and enemies fast. LOL...
She will say the relationship which takes the longest time to mature, is the one which will stay the longer. Well, theoretically, I know this by heart. But in my real life, I am such a loser. I always see relationships which start out so colourfully, turns into bland things within months almost like a bubblegum losing its flavour.
The hard part is each time I go near so fast and come out so fast. Sometimes certain links get broken, certain links remains out of focus, certain links gets turned into ugly monsters and certain links just vanish with time. But no matter what it is, the ultimate loser in this charade is Myself...
So almost like a resolution taken in this month of June, I am not going to step into anyone. Would rather stay alone than searching for fakes in this sea full of fakes... I don't know whether any of what I said made any sense at all, well that is me, end of the day. Take it or leave it...
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
You are younger than sea
But I don't want you to wait in the middle of my eyes and my tears!!!
Waiting with the sky as a shelter in your arms...
Don't you know?
I am just a silly pebble sitting silently
Not able to run along with this little stream of tears!!!
When you look through my eyes, You will know
That darkness is just a Black Sun;
And light is just a Golden night;
My time has missed its rhythm
Don't you know?
Your kiss is just a door to my heart!
It gets locked, When you knock it...
It opens, when you lock it...
That door might not be born too, or might crash and die, if you want!
Don't you know?
Death doesn't tell anyone how it tastes...
Birth doesn't tell anyone how it dies...
Here I stand
Not knowing that you are not coming back!!!