Monday, November 12, 2007

My Diwali!!!

One more year and one more Diwali on the sleeve and one more memory to carry on !
Deepavalli or Diwali is a huge event, when you are young and I remember my Diwali's both good and bad, all too well. My Diwali's have been so wonderful. My excitement for Diwali will start feverishly and will reach sky high. Clothes, Jewels, Shopping with my mom, Making sweets with my grandma and getting them sorted out in huge containers, Fishing for the biggest and most colourful kolam, Getting the loudest and the brightest of fire crackers, lots of relatives and family friends etc.....

The day before Diwali will start with Mehendhi... The next day morning we will run to the sink to wash it off and will start comparing who has got the most brightest colour of all. The Diwali day is a huge rush. We have to wake up in early in the morning and have to put the Kolam and then Oil bath, then pooja and then fire crackers and then breakfast and noisy family... Wearing new dress and strutting out with sweet trays to neighbours houses.... It used to feel so important. My Father and My younger brother will be happily teamed up with all loud crackers. I have the flashy ones... For so many years, This is the way Diwali has been for me.

My last Diwali with my father was the best one of all. I was in the first year of college and Dressed up in a pretty costume and was feeling really nice. The day passes away with its usual flamboyance and the evening was the time for all the flashy crackers, My turn, you see. Lots of flower pots and sticks and stuff like that. All of us were in our portico and cackling and surrounded by laughter, love, lights and fumes of the crackers. My Dad, My chithappa ( whom I have not spoken in years now and whom I love next to my father ), My Mom, My grandma, My elder and my younger brother and few family friends and people who live at my house ( maids and their family )...... Huge crowd!

So somewhere around 7, when I was firing a flower pot, it burst with a loud noise and flame and I reacted to it by turning my head to the other side. But my Right hand took the whole brunt of the fire. The very next second, My Dad and my chithappa were on either side of me and literally carried me inside the house. I kept telling that I was fine and they are just fussing over nothing, I lost consciousness for a few seconds, I guess because of the shock and pain. When I woke up, I could see my whole family around me looking with such anxiousness. Though I was in a lot of pain, I treasure that second and that scene in my heart. My whole family especially my Dad and my Chithappa next to me.... I have never felt so secure in my life, ever since. I remember my Dad sitting in a chair next to me the whole night and sponging my hand and applying medication through out.

The following Diwali, My Dad was not there. Honestly, My Diwali's and my B'days were no longer important in my life after that. That Diwali was so depressing and all that mattered so much, suddenly lost its importance. Honestly, I have not fired a cracker since my Dad passed away. I still watch people celebrate Diwali and all I see is the scars of my hand with lost past and a deep vacuum and tears...

But this year, I am in Kerala working in a Hospital near Thrissur and I was working on the Diwali and couldn't avail leave. Diwali is not a big deal in Kerala and I swear I didn't even hear a single noise of a cracker. I finished my shift and went to the office to finish the official work handed over to me. My Hospital Administrator cum a lovely friend Mr. Jacob greeted me and handed some sweets and wished me. I thanked him and started with my work. At around 7 in the evening, he called me down to the lobby. As I walked down, The whole place was lit with more than 200 lamps and it was such a mesmerising sight. I was absolutely speechless. There was a huge team behind this effort... ( Big and Small Girish, Shaji sir, Sadhanandhan sir, Thambi sir, Jossy, Sadhik, Latheef, Vipin and Of course our CA Jomon and our Administrator Jacob sir )..... All I could do was, look at Jacob sir and say "Thank you sir!".

All they did was give me a smile back and Jacob sir said " You're most welcome'' ( In his usual style and slang! Of course ! ). Honestly after a long time, I had a Diwali moment, I can treasure and carry in my hearts......

A Letter to my Dad!!!

My dear Daddy,

My life is just filled with day to day Garbage. All I have with me now are Faces that goes unnoticed, Smiles not from heart, Tears splitting the very core of a being, Dreams of being someone, Love that has evaporated, Relations with no more patience, Anger not quenched with love etc., etc., and they all seem to choke me throughout, Daddy.

With all this crap, My days have rolled into weeks and weeks into months and months into years. All I am left with is frustration beyond words. As I tear upon each date and bid the dead day a good bye, for a flick of a second, Your smile and face comes into my my mind. At that moment, a feeling I can't explain creeps into my heart. It might be terror or anguish or sorrow or desperation or may be a blend of all, But it grips my throat and I hear myself asking, " How in the world, Am I able to spend each day without you ? " Have I forgotten you and all about you? No..... I still live surrounded by your memories, smile, your smell, your warmth and your love. I have not forgotten any, Daddy.

In the every day struggle, I keep looking around for your shoulder to lean on too and your voice to calm me. Though I know it might not happen, I still search for you. It feels like you have just gone away on a long vacation and any minute you will open and enter the gate in your usual speed and style. My ears still wait to hear for the horn of your vehicle, so that I can coming running to the gate and open it for you with a smile, Daddy.

When I get dressed up, I look around to hear you say that I am looking gorgeous. You made me feel so good and made me happy and wanted and unique. Daddy, I might not deserve it. But you were such a lovely daddy. Sometimes, In between my sleep, when my mind is alert and quiet, I can hear the songs you hum and I suddenly get wrapped in your smell and warmth. There are times when I have been intolerable and have disappointed and hurt you, But I was stupid, Daddy. Now I beg in my heart each day for your forgiveness.

My words are totally lost and All I can tell you is " I love you and I miss you too much!... I watch Cuckoo and Teju play and through a mist of tears, I just wonder why these kids didn't have the pleasure of knowing their Grandpa!!! Daddy, you would have been an excellent grandpa. You know, Dad! The relationship between all of us are so constrained nowadays. It would have been so much better if you had been there. I still long for the days, when the words like " Family", " Love", " Bond", " Trust", " Affection", " Forgiveness"
meant something.

The days I spent with you have turned into mere dreams and they cover me in layers. Daddy, The Most happiest moments of my life was with you and the Most lost moments which can never be rectified were too because of you. Though I carry myself around with some hope and courage, My world is dark without you.

As I said before, My whole world has crashed since you left us, Daddy. Same goes to Everyone in our family. All of us are hurt and lost in our own ways, Though you couldn't live in this stupid world, You will always live in all our hearts and everyone of us, Miss you in our own ways. If there is a chance of a rebirth, Daddy... Please let me be your daughter again... I swear, I will behave and spare you all the hurt I have ever given you...
Till then, Daddy!!!