My life is just filled with day to day Garbage. All I have with me now are Faces that goes unnoticed, Smiles not from heart, Tears splitting the very core of a being, Dreams of being someone, Love that has evaporated, Relations with no more patience, Anger not quenched with love etc., etc., and they all seem to choke me throughout, Daddy.
With all this crap, My days have rolled into weeks and weeks into months and months into years. All I am left with is frustration beyond words. As I tear upon each date and bid the dead day a good bye, for a flick of a second, Your smile and face comes into my my mind. At that moment, a feeling I can't explain creeps into my heart. It might be terror or anguish or sorrow or desperation or may be a blend of all, But it grips my throat and I hear myself asking, " How in the world, Am I able to spend each day without you ? " Have I forgotten you and all about you? No..... I still live surrounded by your memories, smile, your smell, your warmth and your love. I have not forgotten any, Daddy.
In the every day struggle, I keep looking around for your shoulder to lean on too and your voice to calm me. Though I know it might not happen, I still search for you. It feels like you have just gone away on a long vacation and any minute you will open and enter the gate in your usual speed and style. My ears still wait to hear for the horn of your vehicle, so that I can coming running to the gate and open it for you with a smile, Daddy.
When I get dressed up, I look around to hear you say that I am looking gorgeous. You made me feel so good and made me happy and wanted and unique. Daddy, I might not deserve it. But you were such a lovely daddy. Sometimes, In between my sleep, when my mind is alert and quiet, I can hear the songs you hum and I suddenly get wrapped in your smell and warmth. There are times when I have been intolerable and have disappointed and hurt you, But I was stupid, Daddy. Now I beg in my heart each day for your forgiveness.
My words are totally lost and All I can tell you is " I love you and I miss you too much!... I watch Cuckoo and Teju play and through a mist of tears, I just wonder why these kids didn't have the pleasure of knowing their Grandpa!!! Daddy, you would have been an excellent grandpa. You know, Dad! The relationship between all of us are so constrained nowadays. It would have been so much better if you had been there. I still long for the days, when the words like " Family", " Love", " Bond", " Trust", " Affection", " Forgiveness"
The days I spent with you have turned into mere dreams and they cover me in layers. Daddy, The Most happiest moments of my life was with you and the Most lost moments which can never be rectified were too because of you. Though I carry myself around with some hope and courage, My world is dark without you.
As I said before, My whole world has crashed since you left us, Daddy. Same goes to Everyone in our family. All of us are hurt and lost in our own ways, Though you couldn't live in this stupid world, You will always live in all our hearts and everyone of us, Miss you in our own ways. If there is a chance of a rebirth, Daddy... Please let me be your daughter again... I swear, I will behave and spare you all the hurt I have ever given you...
Till then, Daddy!!!