தனிமை

காலை கடிகாரம் அடிக்கும் முன்பே
கண்விழிப்பு...
தூங்கியும் தூங்காத நினைவு!
படுக்கையில் கிடக்கும் நேரம்
வெறுமையின் விரல்களின் கிடுக்கிபிடி...
மூச்சு விடவே சிரமத்துடன் தொடங்கும்
என்னுடைய இன்று...

நேற்றுக்கும் என்றைக்கும்
பெரிய மாற்றம் ஒன்றும் இல்லை...
என் இன்றைக்கும் நாளைக்கும்
ஒரு வித்யாசம் இல்லை...
இயந்தரமாய் மாறிய கால்கள்
நேராக கூட்டி செல்லும் தயாராக...

உடை மாறி கடவுள் முன்
கண்மூடி நிற்கும் நேரம்
என்னை அறியாமல் இமை நனைக்கும் கண்ணீர்...
என்ன வேண்டி என் பிரார்த்தனை?
அதுவே மறந்து போய் நான்...
மனது லயித்து செய்யும் செயல்கள்
மறந்து நாட்கள் பல பல!!!

நெஞ்சின் உள்ளே ஒரு பெரிய பூட்டு
இதயம் அதனுள் மறுத்து துருவேறி போய்!!!
மிதமிஞ்சி இயங்கும் மனித அலைகளின்
மத்தியில் பாலைவன தனிமை...
எதற்காக நடக்கிறேன்?
என்ன செய்கிறேன்?
என்ன தேடுகிறேன்?
என்ற கேள்விகளின் குமுறல்கள்
அடங்கி நான்...

இந்த தனிமையின் பதில்
எப்போது கிடைக்கும்
தாயின் மடியில் கண்மூடவும்
என் மகனின் தலைமுடி கோதி உச்சி முகரவும்
கொதியாய் கொதிக்கும் மனது...
நாட்களின் இரைச்சல்களில்
ஒவ்வொரு மணித்துளியும் அடித்து கொண்டு ஓட
என்றாவது கரை ஒதுங்குவேன்
என்ற சிறிய நப்பாசையில்
இன்னும் மிதந்து கொண்டு
என் நாட்கள்...

Cold!!!

Lonely lonely me the earth,
My sun is lost somewhere afar
Sleepless nights and days of dark
Life grim as death and dull it seems.
Tell me lies and I will forget
Oh how sweet life sprung from we...
Lets make as if a dream it was;
To colour all the clouds with love.
Twinkling are the smiling stars
What do they know of hurting hearts.
A world with life of saddened forms
A misty tale of joy and love
Alas! There comes from west the wind
With news of an eclipse it seems,
Oh how stupid, so long I've been
To blindly miss the signs so clear.
The truth is in my blindspot still
That moon, she moves and thus reveal
Tis jealousy to hide my light
And leave me cold within the sould.
And now the truth too sweet to bare,
Its still around and never gone
My Sun!
My light!
Always do care...
For the love we share!

Stuck again!!!

I have been given a chance to come back to UK and try working again... I guess that is almost like a second chance for me. In fact last chance at this point of time. Happened like a miracle. But as usual the time is still up and running against me. I'm yet to get my registration and only when that comes through I can start work. So waiting... waiting... waiting.... I have been running from one part of the world to another to get a chance to come back to the same place which gave me an identification. So Here I'm currently jobless, currently penniless, currently low in morale, currently getting freezing up in the weather. How funny... with this global warming, the places are getting colder... I know the scientific reason... When your mind goes blank, You really don't go into reasons. When all the colours fade, black prevails... That is how I'm black..... inside and out...

So people who are looking forward for a Christmas and a new year are lucky. COZ i have spent my birthday alone and Diwali and Christmas and new year wouldn't make a difference. Anyone who wants to pep up my mood by saying, its just a passing phase... BACK OFF!!! I'm fuming inside... LOL... How i can cry and make a joke and laugh about my situation at the same time. Like Bernie Mac says "This is the only way I know to tackle my problems. Making a joke out of it and laughing it out"... More like our "Thunbam varungal naguga" in Tamil... Somehow can't bring to put it in practice.

ANYWAYS HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!

My world of uncertainites!!!

Its been a while since my last post... Don't even ask me what I have been through in this past few months! Life has been adventurous and demanding and depressing and frustrating all at once. If there is one place where I can find a solution, I swear i will give my hand and feet to get there.

The paths I have crossed is unbelievable and the days are running. I don't seem to have any grip over any matter. Well I feel as low as I can ever be... Hope fully I will post a blog in a bit more cheerful mood, soon.

எதற்காக?

தாயின் வயிற்றில் கருவுற்ற
நாள் முதல் ஓட்டம்!
நேரத்துடன் போட்டி...
கடுகளவில் தொடங்கி
கையும் காலும் முளைத்து வளர்ச்சி...
பத்து மாதம் போக
வெளிஉலகம் தொட்ட நேரம் தொடங்கி...
வயிற்று பசி...
வளர பசி...
உயிர்வாழ பசி...

புத்தி தெளிய தெளிய
எல்லாம் கற்க வெறி!
அன்னையும் தந்தையும் அரவணைக்க
எல்லார் முன்னிலும் விருட்சமாய் வளர
கல்வி பசி...
கண் விழித்து... போட்டி இட்டு...
தேர்வுகளின் பிடிகளில் சிக்கி
ஒரு போராட்டம்...
படிப்பும் முடித்து
வேலைக்கான அலைச்சல்...
மீண்டும் ஓட்டம்...

வேலையும் கிடைக்க
வாழ்வில் மீண்டும் பசி
இன்னொரு துணை தேடி...
புணர பசி...
இன்னொரு ஜீவனை படைக்க பசி...
நாட்கள் ஓட ஓட
உடலும் சோர்ந்து கடமைகள் அழுத்த
இன்னும் வேண்டும் வேண்டும்
என்று பட்டியல் நீள
திரும்பி வந்த பாதை நோக்க
நாட்கள் உருண்டு கரைந்து!!!

எல்லாம் கிடைக்க
இன்னும் ஓட்டம்
இத்தனை நாள் சுமந்தது எல்லாம்
சட்டென்று ஓர் நாள் மறைந்து போக
நிதர்சனம் நான் தான் என்று விளக்கும்
இறப்பு!!!
எதை நோக்கி இந்த ஓட்டங்கள்,
இந்த கண்ணீர், இந்த ஆனந்தம்
என்ன தான் பொருள்?

எதற்கு வந்தோம்...
என்ன சாதித்தோம்...
எங்கு போகிறோம்...
விடை தெரியாத கேள்விகள்
செத்த பின் சொர்க்கமா நரகமா...
எந்த கடவுளை பின்பற்றினால்
சொர்க்கம் நிச்சயம் என்ற போட்டிகளின் மத்தியில்...
ஒன்று மட்டும் நிஜம்
பிறப்பை கணிக்க தெரியாது போனாலும்
எல்லோரும் இறப்பது மட்டும் நிஜம்
என்ற உண்மை மெல்ல தெளியும்...

Painful Lonely!!!

Its been a while since my last post! Lots of changes, Lots of revelations, Lots of tears and Nothing seemed to have beaten the time clock. Everyday keeps rising up and falling down, as if nothing can stop it or beat it.

My uncle passed away, last week... The painful thing was, When you are staying away from your land, you are stuck in a different world, where your pain and loss is just yours. I couldn't even give him my last respect... Neither me nor my son!!! He loved my son so much. He was a great soul, Hard working, has made so many climb up the wall of success and had always been the ladder. The amount of suffering he underwent was enormous. THOUGH I LOVE HIM SO MUCH,I DIDN'T HELP HIM. I had been selfish, thinking about my problems and my future and my son's. If I had helped him, may be he would have been alive today. Life especially mine is lead with guilt and self blame, always!!!

The thing was, when my Mom called me to say that My uncle passed away, I was stuck in a clinic with so much of patients. No matter how much grief I had, I had to have a plastic smile stuck on my face and had to greet, laugh and be considerate to strangers, trying to sort out their issues, while my insides were churning with loss and anguish. All I kept hearing in my ears were one of his words which has made me to fight all the while. He asked me to Prove him wrong and be successful in all that I do, instead of succumbing to my problems. Here I am still trying!!! But I pray again for forgiveness...

One done from the list of things to do before I die!!!

I should say, I have always found swimming as almost next to impossible and mysterious. How can a human no matter what their weight is capable of floating in the water? Will it ever be possible for me to buoyant? And given my present size and shape, I almost gave up on the idea of learning to swim. But, With a help of a very good heart and a very strict teacher, I am now floating in the water.

I go to Anse lazio, which is a lovely beach in the whole of earth, that will captivate your heart and soul whenever possible. It didn't occur over night. I remember the first day, when I drank almost a gallon of sea water and left the beach with a burning throat, nose and eyes, I almost cursed myself for getting into the water. But slowly and steadily, I am able to not only float but move with the water. This week when I went to the beach, I got into the water and I thought I forgot all about swimming. My hands and legs didn't work. But slowly I caught the feel and I started swimming. The current and the back draft is so strong in the beach during high tides, But I still managed. Got a well done from my lovable teacher too.

As I was swimming, It started raining so much. Do you know that the sea water becomes warm when it rains. It felt like heaven and it is surely a feeling to be experienced!!! Yo... People!!! Start swimming and feel what I mean... What can I say? Though we have all been water borne all the nine months in our mother's womb, We just lose touch! But I am sure, it will be OK in matter of time. I am now training to hold breath underwater, which is scary... But I will update about my new found talent...

I am so so so sooooper boredddd!!!

So Here I am trying innocently to pass on an yet another boring day... You see, for people of Seychelles, it is a long weekend and we have a public holiday on Monday as well. So I really have tried to do stuff to kill... really kill time and I accept I lost on a major slide, coz i ran out of ideas.

Hence I turn to the Internet as always to help me with my mega boredom. A very wise person has really knighted me as Ms. Bored... But I think I would rather have it as my middle name. It kinda suits me better. Anyways, I didn't know what to surf for after a while hence I just typed bored on Google and " VOILA!!!". I have list after list to do to just kill time... I should say all this time I was thinking I was the Master of Boredom... But there are some very wise literates who are probably doing PhD after PhD on trying to kill time.

I really tried some and it worked... So Here is my list of favourite things to kill boredom... Trust me, it works perfectly...

1. Try to Blink wildly and then shut your eyes tight to see a fantastic array of shapes, colours and funny bobs of light... (I am not responsible if you go dizzy...)

2. Try not to think of Penguins for 3 minutes... (Now be honest to yourself and have a timer...)

3. Try to pick up a passerby and put all your mind into thinking of making him or her drop the bag or even to knock into someone. (If by any chance it does happen, you can brag yourself about your new found extrasensory perception... Bravo to you!)

4. Go ahead and scratch yourself everywhere... Even if it doesn't itch... (I should say after a few seconds it does feel pleasurable! But it does burn if you overdo... so watch out)

5. Pick a random word and keep saying it loud again and again, till it loses its meaning and all you are left with is a meaningless noise! (I didn't think I will fall for it.... I kept saying lunar again and again... till i went blank and i should say after a while I really didn't know the meaning of the word. It left my brain more scrambled than usual...)

6. Pinch yourself... GO ahead! ( I did, till it hurt. I honestly will stick to being bored, I guess)

7. Try to invent a funny twitch and enact it when you are in public... ( I really got embarrassed with this one)

8. Try to make as many paper boats as possible and go to the near by stream or even a gutter and name each boat and make a competition out of them. See which one wins!!! ( My personal favourite!!! But being a Doctor where almost everyone knows me... This has been difficult to maintain without funny glares! Awww! damn.... who gives a flying duck? I enjoy this. So go on and try)

9. Go to a candy shop and buy loads and loads of them and eat them for breakfast, midday snack, lunch, dinner and supper.... ( I am not responsible for the calories or the backside which might swell up like Brazil, if you keep doing it regularly...)

10. You can pick up booger from your nose everyday and make a journal out of it... ( I can get into the gross details... You can make a diary explaining the colour and quantity and texture of your booger and may be have a competition with one of your friend, if there is someone who will share your interest... LOL! )

11. Sit in postures till a particular part of your body goes numb and feel the pins and needles and then try it on another part!

12. Rent out a movie and then finish watching it and go back again in 2 hours and rent another one and watch and return to get another movie!!! ( This is loads of fun!)

13. Take out all the dress from the closet and try them on and make your own fashion parade!

14. Learn to peal a Banana with your foot ( Though I wouldn't advise you to eat, as a Doctor)

15. Put a trash can in the middle of the room and Try to throw paper balls from different corners of the room and make it a game. ( this does help to kill time)

16. Try kissing your elbow.... (If you can!!!)

17. Have a staring competition with yourself in the mirror( This was pretty dumb!)

18. Put the music that you love and dance around naked in your living room... ( make sure all the windows are closed or you might be the reason for giving someone else heart attack!!!)

19. Go round spinning till you go dizzy!!! ( keep the furniture away!)

20. Lie down and watch the clouds and Keep a notepad and draw out all the figures you can make out!!!

Go on and try all this if you are bored... These are life savers! If you are not into anyone of this, write a blog like me.... Whether there are people who really read it or not... It does takes the weight of your chest...

Will soon make a list of things I want to do Before I die and Will post it.... So till then, Bask in your boredom and embrace it...

கோபம்!!!

என் நாட்களின் முடிவுகளில்
மனசின் இருட்டு பிரதேசத்தில்
எஞ்சி தொக்கி நிற்பது
கோபமும் விரத்தியும் சோர்வும்
என் உணர்வுகளுக்கு காரணம் உண்டா?
தெரியவில்லை!!!
என் முயற்சிகளின் முடிவில்
புதை சேற்றில் சிக்கியது போல
மூச்சி விட முடியாது
நெஞ்சை அழுத்தும்
என் கோபம்...
எதை நினைத்து என் வெறி?
என் வாழ்கை பாதையின் நீளம் கண்டா?
எடுக்க வேண்டிய முடிவுகளை கண்டா?
என் தனிமையை கண்டா?
குழப்ப கூடுகளின் தாக்கம் கண்டா?
என் கடமைகளை கண்டா?
என் சரிகளும் தப்புகளும் தர்க்கம் கண்டா?
எது எப்படியோ...
என் கோபம் மட்டும்
கொழுந்து விட்டு
கனன்று கொண்டே....
இரைச்சலோடு கத்த தோன்றும்!!
கை வலிக்கும் வரை அடிக்க தோன்றும்!!!
நெஞ்சு அணையும் வரை அழ தோன்றும்!!!
எல்லாம் அடங்கி வெறுமை பரவும்!!!
என் கோபங்களுக்கு அர்த்தம் உண்டோ?
இருக்கலாம்...
என் கோபங்களை சொல்லி அழ தோள் வேண்டுமோ?
வேண்டாம்...
என் கோபங்கள் மறைந்து போகுமோ?
போனாலும் போகலாம்...
என்னதான் என் பிரட்சனை?
குழப்ப சிடுக்கின் உள்ளில் அமர்ந்து
கோபக்னியில் உழன்று உழன்று
எதை தேடி தான் என் ஆவேசம்...
என்னை புரிந்து
என் கோபம் தணிக்க
ஒன்றுமே இல்லாத
வேற்று பிரதேசம்!!!
மெல்ல தெளியும் நிமிடம்
ஒன்று புரிகிறது....
இன்றைய என் பொழுதில்
என் கோபம் மட்டுமே
உயிர் ஒன்று உண்டு
என்னுள் என்று
உணர்த்திக்கொண்டு...

What Am I Supposed To Do???

I would love you all to have a glimpse of my life... I am a bundle of everything. Whatever you can quote with a bundle of, would be me. A bundle of joy, A bundle of nerves, A bundle of crap, A bundle of hope, A bundle of tears... The thing is I really don't have a clue about anything in my life.

I get astonished by people who have a clear insight about their life and their aims in life. It is a talent, you know. I have always felt like swept in a mad current of events, all my life. It might sound stupid... But I have to tell you, It's depressing to me. I know anyone else in my shoes, would have handled my life better. They would have planned things, had a vision about future, had a far sight of things and anticipate and work out. I would love to be such a person. But unfortunately, I am nowhere near it... I am all the opposites.

Now, You might think what is wrong in that? What is so bad about it? Trust me... I am talking about exhaustion, frustration, inbuilt anger which is turning into a rage... I am always in the start of the race. Have you seen this movie " Ground hog day"? That is how I feel my life is... I always come back to square one after been beaten by all possible snakes and stumbling down all possible ladders.

I was never a responsible person. I am scared about my responsibilities. I am scared now so much because I have to sort out my son's life. I am in the middle of nowhere, you know. I am still in the search of what I am looking for.

In spite of all of my life being in bits and pieces, I some how keep walking. I am now torn between responsibility and fear. I want to donate my kidney to my maternal uncle, whom I love so much. But I have a bad family history of Diabetes and Hypertension and I am in the middle of sorting out my career. If I go ahead with the surgery, There is a high chance of falling out on my career and may be never achieve what I wanted to do and settle down for a mediocre life. And on top of it, If I develop any complication, I am going to leave behind my son with nothing to hope for. But I want to help my uncle as well, so badly.

What am I supposed to do now? I hate to make decisions and I hate the way my life goes on. It is sick and I am tired of fighting life. Sometimes I just want to curl up and give up... But it's my son's face which keeps me going on...

So if there are any wise brains out there, who can really spare a second to go through this blog, Your opinion is highly appreciated. Please think for me... COZ my neurons have died a long time back with the stress I had, have and having...

A Big Leap!!!

When darkness calls,
When night gets cold,
No one to call...
No hands to hold...
You doubt a while
And smile so right!!
For You do know,
I am not so far...
I will reach for you!!!
And touch your heart!!!
Whether near
Whether far
A love so rare...
That's what we share!
A day will come,
Might not take long...
Where you be mine
And
Doubts will drown...
Where lonely nights will turn to dreams!
You'll wake up wrapped in those strong hands
That keeps you warm
Till day light comes...
That will be from...
From me to you!
For you are the one who
Rescued me
From my depths of desperation!!!

மூழ்கி போய்!!!

பிண்ணி பிணைந்து
குழப்ப சிக்கலாகி போனேன்...
உன்னால்
வண்ண குழும்பின் உள்!!!
சப்த இரைச்சல்கள் மேல்!!!
இப்போதோ
எண்ணங்களின் கூட்டில்
ஓசை இல்லாத பரந்த நிசப்தம்...
மிதந்து கொண்டே இருக்கிறேன்
வெளிச்சத்தின் வெப்பத்தில்...
உண்மைகளின் வேகம் தாக்கும் இங்கே
ஆன்மாக்களின் கூக்குரல் கேக்கும்
இன்பத்தின் உச்சமும் நிற்கும் எதிரே!
உயிரை சுற்றி
வட்ட வட்ட நீர் திவலைகள் போல
பந்தங்கள்!
அடுத்தடுத்து உருவாகி
வளர வளர
தூர தூரமாய் பிரிவோம்...
கடந்த காலங்களின் கைப்பு
நிமிட நேர கண்ணீர் துளி
கோபத்தில் கொட்டிய வார்த்தை சவுக்குகள்
எதிர் காலத்தை நோக்கிய பார்வை
எல்லாம் மாற்றும்
இதயத்தின் வடிவை!!!
சதுரமா ?
வட்டமா ?
இல்லை
வெறும் சதை தானா ?
மூச்சி நிற்கும் வரை
போராட்டம் தான்
வெறுமையின் விளிம்பில்
இருப்பினும்
என் நாளை
மாறலாம்!!!
எனக்கு கிடைக்காத நாளை
என் உயிருக்கு
நான் தர எண்ணி
குழப்ப கூட்டில்
மூழ்கி மூழ்கி
என் தினங்களில்
மிதக்கிறேன்...

Stranger in me!!!

What is that which makes us feel alive or dead inside? Do you all have same questions like I do? If so, have you ever stumbled upon the answers. I feel lonely with my questions. Mind it!!! Lonely, not Depressed or not Sad or not Confused.

Sometimes in the night, I sit down outside of my clinic, and look up at the billions and billions of stars that are looking at me. A million things buzz through my mind... A million faces... A million moments... A million noises... A million tears... A million pain... I get so lost in the time and feel so frozen in that moment. I sometimes don't know If I am in the past or present or future...

As I keep asking questions, Each of them mutate and I feel my past sprout out into the present and the present merge into the future. My future really holds up in vanity. Its overwhelming and compressing. But I tell myself that " I should keep living, because If I stop now, I will vanish".

I have been to looking at the same moon where ever i go. I sometimes feel that my world is buried under this earth. I know it sounds even crazy for me. But that is how I feel. Like Two halves cut inside me and kept far apart. One part lives in this world where people work, eat, sleep, shit and die. Where people worry about a house which is made of bricks and cement, which might crumble! Where people worry about money which is just paper as in toilet paper! Where everything is just a mask. I try to level myself up and try to say that this is the Race I am supposed to join and win. But it feels so Superfluous to me!

I believe that there are loads of things which might be of importance but I lack a drive to achieve them, which might make me a loser in the eyes of the world. I don't care about these things anymore. You know that you are always told about what is right and what is wrong? But what about the creatures who lives on the thin fragile line that lies between right and wrong, good and bad, beauty and ugly... so on?

Sometimes I feel fear... I feel it at such close proximity that I can almost smell it. There was a time, when I was so secure and now it has all washed away. Now even the most familiar steps cast shadows and Its my fear which stops me from climbing it. Then I feel my heart sicken and hear me ask myself " WILL YOU EVER BE HER AGAIN ?".

I have to tell you, I feel like a new person and the old one is gone. Sometimes I feel its my fear and loss that has changed into this new being. For " ONLY BRAVE WARRIORS FALL FROM THEIR HORSES IN BATTLE. HOW CAN A KNEELING COWARD EVER KNOW WHAT A FALL IS?" So I have come to realise that there is no going back to the other person, I once was and that other place. This thing, this stranger, SHE IS ALL I AM NOW.

What do we do?

If you wake up

Afraid and weak..

Don't let go!

So to speak

Sorrow you...

Sorrow me...

Shall we rise ?

or Shall we fall ?

Up to us, coz we decide...

Tell me why

Should we cry ?

Don't you think

Time to change things around

While we still can...

For regrets do strike

When time gone by...

That's the end

But we are not that thick, you see

To try and avoid this...

A dream come true

By me and you!!!

Might not be a heaven

But sure not hell

Just keep the faith

Life is so great

So perfect in its way

Together like steel..

Cry no more, no more...

I plea

Worth speaking what we feel

Its April 3rd again!!!

Its another Third of April!!! You know what I do when I buy a New calender... I, tear of the Third of April page or just smudge it with a marker pen, till I can't see the number in it... My father, My lovely, dear, smart, caring, intelligent, down to earth, gentle, magnanimous guy in his attitude and behaviour, compassionate towards fellow people, always knew what to do, most strongest person in heart I ever knew left me and whole of my family, this day.

I can't bare to look at my Mom on this day especially!!! She is much more stronger than she looks. But the amount of hardship she had to endure and she is still going through is enormous. She lived all her life right next to my Dad, you see... They used to leave for clinic together, work together, eat together and Trust me, I have never seen them even raise their voice in front of us!!! She was the only one next to my Dad, when he passed away... She witnessed the whole event... She watched my Dad die, right in front of her eyes...

I have witnessed her getting up night after night and just sit the whole night in front of the TV and I have seen tears rolling down her cheek silently, through my semi closed eyes. I was out of words to comfort her... I knew she was distressed, But as a grown up woman now I understand the full meaning of staying alone and toil without anyone to lean on too!!!

I miss my Dad so much and so does each and every one of m y family... Its been more than 10 years now, since we lost him. I know as a family we are suffering... But I have seen patients come with garlands and stay in front of his photo and cry even today. He has left such an impact on everyone he ever met. I can say, every wife will be happy if you get a husband like my Daddy.

He was a wonderful cook. I still remember the way he makes Omelette's and french toast. I still close my eyes and hear him humming in the bathroom. He used to get severe leg cramps, I used to press his legs. There was this afternoon, when He had a bad cramp and I started pressing his legs and he dozed off. He slept so peacefully, I didn't want to stop massaging his legs. He got up like an hour later and was startled to see me still pressing his legs. He just hugged me and couldn't speak with his tear glistened eyes. Oh GOD!!!

Have you ever felt the way I feel? I want to remember every thing, at the same time, I want to forget everything.... He was such a funny person.... There used to be lots of Power cuts in my town! Honestly I will long for those... He used to teach us how to make shadow images and say horror stories, which we ( Myself with my brothers and cousin sisters ) enact later on.

I still hear the way he calls me. Even feel his smell around me. I am so angry that he had left us. I am so sad and I am just angry because I couldn't help him. I never could buy him the huge telescope he always wanted to buy and watch the stars at night. He never bought anything for himself. I always thought when I start earning, I will first buy him whatever he wanted. He never even bothered to buy new shirts for him. My Athai always bought him new shirt on his Birthday, which is on the 24th of April. It was like a ritual for her... I don't remember her missing even one.

Do you know, My Grandma, Thangamma, she died on my Dad's Birthday. She is such a strong women herself. She managed to bring up 5 kids to such levels, without any educational background and with a husband who had bad drinking habits. She made 3 of them Doctors, 1 is now Principal for Fine arts and sculpture and the last one as Minister in the Tamilnadu Legislative Assembly. She was so hard on us too. We used to hate her, because she used to scold and hit us. But she was good at heart...

So with my closets full of skeletons... I still manage to smile. I sometimes wonder how... All I keep doing every day is to ask for forgiveness and just say the same thing a million times... I LOVE YOU SO MUCH DADDY! WE ALL MISS YOU!!! LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN THE SAME SINCE YOU LEFT US... EACH OF US THINK OF YOU EVERY DAY...

YOU WERE THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED IN MY LIFE!!!

Struggling for Perfection!!!

Millions of women all over the world, including me, are always unhappy most of the time about the way we look. No matter how pretty a girl is, I can bet a 100 quid, that she is insecure about something regarding her appearance. It might be her skin, her teeth, her nose, her smile, her hip or her butt... But mostly its the problem with the weight which causes all the women go bonkers!!!

There is this age old saying, " Beauty is just skin deep"... Isn't it? Then why is weight loss seems to be the biggest buzz word around Beauty care industry ... So many websites, products, workouts, package deals, get slim quick scams...

But since, I am here in Seychelles, MY physical exertion has really gone next to nothing... I do long for a hip that is a cross between Simran and Shakira with a butt like Jennifer lopez and a skin as smooth and flawless as Queen latifah... As if... But I am addicted to sugar so badly... I cant even eat a paper with sugar written on it. And believe me, Thanks to all the Cadburys and Mars and Snickers with Cheese crackers, My backside is getting as big as Brazil and my skin is now in such a mess... I thought as a big girl now, I should take control of my eating habits. I wish my weight is just half of what it is right now...

So I kept a two weeks time limit and wanted to watch out how MY Weight was doing in this time. I hate to wake up early... I am an ardent member of that group in Orkut, if you don't trust me. SO for the past 2 weeks, I have been pushing myself to wake up at 5.30 in the morning and do walking. Climbing up and down the mountains half asleep is not my cuppa tea.... But I really did it. And don't forget about all the time i was just drooling over the chocolate sections in the mall, and all the time i had to sacrifice the juicy curry and stick to stupid sandwiches and the painful crunches and all the times i was sweating like a pig over the aerobics.

After two weeks of painful weeks, I have lost half a kilo... Thanks god, I am saved. LOL... I am going to be skinny in another 3 years time... Well who am I kidding, I am never going to be thin, I am big boned... OR should I am say like Obelix " I am well covered "... Anyways tasting the first bite of chocolate after two weeks was a moment of epiphany. I was literally crying with tears of Ecstasy.... LOL

So there went my plans of becoming a super thin femme fatale down the drain. But I have started eating healthy and doing exercises, Owing to my wonderful GENE POOL... Hypertension, Diabetes, Cardiovascular diseases, Neurovascular diseases, Cancer and Obesity, you name it, I have it in my family... SO Just want to stay healthy for a few more years. What can I say, " I JUST CAN'T AFFORD TO GET SICK? ". You think i am going nuts now, Well that is what we call as Sugar cravings... Time for some more Chocolates. NAH..... I will stick to some Green tea this time. Green tea is supposed to take care of the wobbly bits and pieces stacked with cellulite, because of the antioxidant property, I am told!

SO I am still in the process.... IF I lose 10 kgs of weight, I swear i will put a big picture of myself saying BEFORE and AFTER and probably write a book saying, " Fighting through the hard times" and make a tearful speech even in the TV, saying How I Overcame my weights? Like all the ones we see. Who knows I might be a celebrity one day...

ஏனோ?

என் அன்பு தந்தையே!
வாழ்வின் பொருள் இன்னதென்று
தெரியாது இன்னும்
விளிம்புகளில் தொங்கிக்கொண்டு நான்!
நாட்கள் போக போக
ஏன் காலசுவட்டின் பக்கங்கள்
கருகி போய் இருட்டின் ஓரத்தில்
இன்னும் தொக்கி போய் நான்!

என் இந்த நெளியும் நாட்களில்
நீள்வட்டமாய் என் பிம்பம்
எனக்கே அடையாளம் தெரியாது...

திரும்ப திரும்ப கேட்கிறேன் என்னையே
என் பிறப்பின் அர்த்தங்களை!
இல்லாத பொருளை, தொலைத்தாய் எண்ணி
தேடும் கரைசலாய் நான்!

எத்தனை முயன்றும் முழுதாய்
சிரிக்கும் சிரிப்பை உங்களுடன் புதைத்து விட்டு
மறையும் ஒரு ஒரு பகலும் காத்து நிற்கிறேன்!

மனதின் ஆழத்தில் இருந்தாலும்
அரித்து அரித்து போய்கொண்டேயிருக்கும்
நினைவுகளை கண்டு செய்வதறியாது
பதறி போய் நான்!

என்ன சமாதானம் சொல்லியும்
என் நேரம் விழுங்கிகொண்டே இருக்கின்றது
உங்களை பிரிந்த வேதனை!
அலையடிக்கும் மணலாய்
திசைதோறும் போகும்
என்னோடு நீங்களாவது இருந்திருக்கலாம்...
ஒண்ட இடமில்லாது ஓடும்
இந்த பரதேசி வாழ்வில்
சிறிதேனும் சந்தோஷம் இருந்திருக்கக்கூடும்!

அதை விடவும் மேல் நீங்கள் இருந்து
நான் போயிருந்தால்!!!
நினைவுகளும் என் சமாதியில்
ஏகாந்தம் தந்திருக்கும் இந்நேரம்
நான் என்பதை கரைத்து கரைந்து...
ஏனோ
என் மனதிற்கு தெரியும்
வெகு தூரம் இல்லை!!!
காண்போம் மறுபடி என் தந்தையே...
விடியும் என் ஒவ்வொரு நாளும் காத்து தான் நிற்கிறேன்!!!

My days in Praslin!!!

You all know, I am in Seychelles now. I should admit that I have never been to such a beautiful place, in my whole life. Whichever side you turn, you end up watching either mountains abundant in rich trees and the most beautiful beaches you could ever lay your eyes on!

The flat I stay in Mahe is on a hill top called Le Niol overlooking the beach and its so calm and quiet. I'm off on Sundays and believe me or not, I just sit in front of the window and watch the sea, unaware of the time flying past. I never knew the sea changes colours and Even if I can present what i see in a picture or by a splash of colours or by a thousand words, I'm cent percent sure that I will not do justice to the scenic beauty of mother nature.

But just for the record, As the day dawns the sea is kinda bluish gray and with the sun come up it turns into mossy green to blue. In the afternoon the water becomes so clear its turquoise blue and peacock green in patches with the reefs and during the evening, with the sun set it rapidly changes to organ and red and maroon and dark with all the yachts and ships glimmering like glow worms.

I had the pleasure of visiting a nearby island Praslin ( the first pic in this ), Where I'm going to be settled after April. Travel is via a boat or a plane. I am admitting for the first time that I have a bad case of motion sickness. I get sick even if i travel in train which goes faster than like a 80 km/hr. I am that bad. Guess what I would have become with the sea. I was travelling on a full moon day. TRUST ME! The high tide was making me go so woozy. But I have never been in deep sea during sun rise and sunset. In spite of my sickness, I was amazed by the sea. The whole scene was so magical, I should accept. I just was not in better position to enjoy it. May be the next time...

Praslin is much more serene. It has so many lovely beaches and there is one more thing about Praslin, This being not only the second biggest island next to Mahe, It has a special kind of coconut called, " COCO DE MER" ( last pic ). Its the weirdest kind of stuff, I have seen. It resembles like a female private parts you see and the male tree has something like a male Private part. But No One is interested in the male,you see, as its obviously not a pretty site... lol..... Anyways this place has more untouched beaches and waterfalls, Natural parks and coral reefs and stuff.

I happened to work there for a week and I didn't have Internet or TV or noisy traffic. It was toooooooooo quite. I suddenly realised how gadgets and electronic stuffs has filled my whole life. I was not sure of how to entertain myself and kill my time without these.

There is this Jetty (Small Port) and a very small beach in front of Baie st. Anne ( the second and third and fourth pics ) where i lived. I just go there in the evening with bread slices and sit and watch the sea and the reef below and feed the fishes. All coloured and shaped fishes.... Its beautiful. I wish I have my son with me to enjoy this with me. It became a routine now. People are friendly and I enjoyed working there.

It's actually a shame to admit that I don't know to swim and too shy to learn it now. Anyways will try and learn it soon, coz I know its once in a life time opportunity to do snorkeling and scuba diving.

So, If you guys have a list of places you want to visit in your lifetime, Note down Seychelles on the list. So till I catch up with you all, I bid you all ''BON SWAI" which is good night in creole...

நானும் என் நிழலும்...

நிழலுக்கென்று சில விதிகள் உண்டு!!!
ஒரு அழகும் உண்டு...
கருப்போ சிகப்போ
அவலக்ஷனமோ அசாத்திய அழகோ
கோடீஸ்வரனோ இல்லை பிச்சை எடுப்பவனோ
நிழல்கள் எல்லாம் ஒரே போல!!!
இதோ தனியே இருந்து மறுத்து போய்
திரும்பும் நேரம்
எப்போதும் போல எனக்காகவே காத்து
நிற்கும் என் நிழல்!
சில நேரம் நான் நிழலாகி போக தோன்றும்
உனக்கு தெரியாது
உன்னை தொட்டு கொண்டே
இருக்க வேண்டி!!!
நீயும் நிழலாக மாறுவாயோ?
மாறினால் எத்தனை சந்தோஷம்...
நானும் நீயும் வார்த்தைகளே இல்லாது
இணைந்து இருப்போம்!!
வலி தரும் மொழியினை விடுத்து!!!

கண்ணீர்!!!

ஏனோ?

எதனாலோ?

என் இத்தனை கரிப்போடு?

நெஞ்சு பிழிந்து இதயம் கசியும்

உதிரம் ஆயிற்றோ கண்ணீர்!

இல்லை

பனி போன்ற சிரிப்பை சோதனை சூரியன்

தொட்ட நொடி உருகி ஆனதோ கண்ணீராய்!

இல்லை

வாழ்க்கை வானம் இருண்டு பயமின்னல் தாக்கி

நெஞ்சு மேகங்கள் உதறிய வேதனை துளிகள் தான்

கண்ணீரோ?

இல்லையே

அது மட்டும் இல்லையே!

நெஞ்சு நிறைந்து, சொர்க்கம் தொட்ட பூரிப்புடன்

மனம் முழுக்க சிரிப்புடன் முகம் காணும் நேரம்

கண்ணில் நீர்!

எதிர்பாரா சோகத்தில் எதிர்பாரா நேரம்

தோள் தர ஒரு உயிர் இருந்தால், அப்போதும்

நன்றியோடு கண்ணில் கோர்க்கும் நீர்!

பெற்ற பிள்ளையை கையில் எடுத்த நேரம் தொட்டு

இதய துடிப்பாய் மாறிய அந்த சிறிய முகம்

நினைக்கும் போதெல்லாம்

சேரும் விழியின் ஓரத்தில் நீர்!

என் தாயின் மடியில் நான் கிடக்க

என் தலை வருடி

மௌனமாய் என்னை பார்க்கும் அந்த பார்வை

சொல்லும்

ஆயிரம் கதைகள் சந்தோஷமாக...

ஆயிரம் நினைவுகள் துக்கமாக...

தளர்ந்த அந்த தாயை பற்றி நினைக்க

என் விழியை நனைக்கும்

என்னை அறியாமல் கண்ணீர்...

ஆயிரம் மொழிகளில்,

ஆயிரமாயிரம் விதங்களில்,

வர்ணித்து விவரித்து மாய்ந்தும்

இன்னும் ஒரு கோடி வார்த்தைகள்

மிச்சம்

அந்த ஒரு துளி நீர் பற்றி

விவரிக்க...

வருவாயோ நீ!!!

என் கண்ணின் நீர்த்துளிகள் படிக்கட்டுகள் ஆனால்
என் நினைவுகள் அதில் பாதை ஆனால்
நாம் சிரித்த சிரிப்பொலிகள் அங்கே விளக்குகள் ஆனால்
நாம் வாழ்ந்த வாழ்க்கை அந்த இடர்களை உடைத்தால்
நம்மை கடந்தவை எல்லாம் மறந்து போனால்
இந்நேரம் நான் உன்னை அடைந்திருப்பேன்
உன்னை என்னோடு மறுபடி அழைத்து வர!!!

உனக்கான என் கடைசி வார்த்தைகள்
என்னோடு
விடை சொல்ல எண்ணி
அதுகூட என்னில் சிக்கி...
வார்த்தைகளும், வாக்கியங்களும்
தட்டு தடுமாறி சொல்லாமல் நிற்க,
அதுவும் மறந்து போகுமோ
கால போக்கில்...

உனக்கு தெரியுமா?
என் இதயம் சொல்லாத வலியில் படும் அவஸ்தைகளும்!!!
ரகசியமாய் கண்ணீர் வழியும் தருணங்களும்!!!
இருட்டில் கிடக்கும் மௌனங்களும்!!!
சிரிக்கும் நேரம் உன்சிரிப்பு சத்தம் என் காதில் மட்டும்!!!
அழும் நேரம் உன் கண்ணின்
பளபளப்பு என் கண்ணுக்கு மட்டும்!!!
சுகிக்கும் நேரம் உன் மூச்சு காற்று என் மீது மட்டும்!!!
சொல்லிய சொல்லாத வார்த்தைகளின் வலி
என் நெஞ்சில் மட்டும்!!!
மனதை திறந்து சொல்ல முடியாத நிலையில் நான்
சொன்னாலும் கேட்க பிடிக்காத நிலையில் நீ

உன்னை இழப்பது கடினம் எனக்கு
அதை விடவும் கடினம் உன்னை மறப்பது....
என் வாழ்வின் பாதி நினைவுகளை
அழிக்கும் தைரியம் இல்லை எனக்கு...
ஆனாலும்
வாழ்வின் பாதை
வேறு பக்கங்களில் நம்மை அழைத்து போக!!!
தெரிந்தே பிரிகிறோம்...
நான் எதை இழந்தேன்?
நீ எதை இழந்தாய்?
என்ற கூட்டல் கணக்கின் விடை
உனக்கும் எனக்கும் மட்டும் தெரிய!
எல்லோரின் முன்னிலும் மௌனமாய்
விடை தெரிந்தும் பதில் இல்லாது...

Disturbing movie I watched!!!

Well, Now that I am stuck alone in my cabin with only two channels to watch... One in Creole and the Other one in French, Creole and English, I don't have a lot to choose from! You know what I mean? Anyways, I was just chilling out in front of the screen today and I happened to see this movie which was directed by a French person. I started watching it with not much of an interest, But the movie actually got my attention. I always liked movies, no... no... Strike that!!! I love movies...

Anyways, The movie was all around this thing, which we take for granted " FIRE". The opening scene of this movie starts from this conflagrant blazing fire in front of the cave and A prehistoric Neandredal man sitting in front of it. The place is freezing and as the camera keeps moving into the cavern, it is full of the same species of people ( I don't know what to call them) huddled up together. This movie doesn't have any graphic image like this new movie " 10,000 BC ". There is a older man who has a kinda lantern made out of the hip a And thigh bones of animals and there are few pieces of charcoal which is like the source for their fire.

In this cold region, there is another much more primitive form of human who wants the fire. SO, they come and start killing half the tribe ( toooooo Gory ) and take the fire. But this old man who is in charge of that lantern runs and hides it. Leaving the dead behind, the remaining people of the colony shuffle and get into and much more colder place. This old person later retrieves the lantern, but the charcoal has died out of flame. One by one, people of that group just fall and die because of the blistering climate. So the hero of the movie, one of the young chaps of the colony goes in search of fire, with two of his other dudes.

They meet a lot of challenges like making their way through a pack of hyenas or wolves ( I'm not sure, which one ), running away from Sabre tooth cats etc. Finally reach the mountains, where the cannibal tribe is having a huge bonfire kinda thing. While two of the dudes, try to distract the group, Our hero reaches for the fire and finds that there are two peculiar kind of girls being hanged in the tree alive, while taking the fire he sets them free. Destroys this fire and runs back for his hide with his dudes. I should say this hero guy is a barbaric guy as well. They don't have any dialect, no emotions, no rules, they don't know about how to make fire, they eat raw meat and they f*** women in a very brutal way, like an animal, devoid of any bond or respect for fellow colony people, So more like a Animal himself.

Now as they run away from this cannibalistic colony, our hero falls and injures himself. One of the girls whom they save, keep following them and help him by giving some herb, which eases out his pain. Now that night as they lie down in front of the fire, one of the dudes tries to misbehave with the girl, SO she goes into our hero's custody. But the hero himself molests her. No issues regarding that by the way. Well This girl is from another tribe who are much more evolved and she leaves these men as they were sleeping. Next day morning, hero wakes up to find this girl missing. FOR the first time, he misses a woman and unable to do anything else, he follows her and the friends follow him. They walk into the girls tribe which has knowledge about fire, house, language, weapon and stuff. And finally they walk back to the tribe with this girl.

I am not able to explain a lot of stuff about the movie. But it got me thinking like all those other movies like APOCALYPTO etc... We'll this is how we started out and this is how we have evolved into. The basic self in each and every individual is still the same, WE ARE ALL THE SAME ANIMALS INSIDE, BARBARIC AND ALL...

Question not for the weak hearted!!!

The answer to this 10 paise worth question will not be found at the heart of the many and varied - cursory - reflective - religious - philosophical - weighty and abstract searches, so long as the questions remain centered around, originate from and end with the bias perspective of a canine toothed mammal called "MAN".

Perhaps, instead of searching for what the meaning of life is supposed to be, we should be reflecting on whether a meaning is INDEED POSSIBLE. If so, does it then exist, only because we seek it? I really want to argue that a man's life, like that of a whale, a giraffe or a rat or a cockroach is devoid of meaning, and is no more worthy of deserving a meaning than the lives of any other species.


To search for a meaning that does not exist, or create one's own quixotic meaning is but a futile experiment in DELUSION. It invariably leads the vulnerable and the gullible into the tangled web of the religious industry, transcendental gurus, charlatans and other smiling predators.


From what I have read and understood, my brief view on our species about " WHERE WE CAME FROM & WHERE WE GO; THE ROCK ON WHICH WE LIVE AND DIE; ITS POSITION IN RELATION TO THE COSMOS AND THE FUTILITY, INDIFFERENCE AND IMPERMANENCE OF THE UNIVERSE".

# In the 1st possibility, an all powerful, all knowing and self existent SUPREME BEING has taken up the role of the Creator of all life & Universe; Moreover that everything was designed or foreordained for a specific purpose & meaning.

# The 2nd possibility is that the Universe was formed amidst an eternal and infinite cosmos that had always existed. That the limitlessness of TIME, in concert with gravity, quantum physics and nuclear fusion gave birth to stars, planets, moons and all other celestial bodies.

Anyways, the 1st possibility, GOD, gives the world meaning but doesn't explain its chaos, while the 2nd possibility, EVOLUTION, explain its chaos but cannot give it meaning.

As for the incipience of life itself from inanimateness to the first single cell organism; My understanding is simply that the chaotic and unique conditions that existed at that particular time, and which had not hitherto or since existed, at least not on our little planet, predisposed life to burgeon and evolution took us the rest of the way. Admittedly, this theory is not set in stone but there is incontrovertible evidence to suggest that it is the less ridiculous of the two.

Now, if we were to draw from the biblical and other scriptural version of creation, we would have to accept a world designed by a supposedly benevolent GOD; where one must feed on each other in order to survive; where one must feed on the death of the other - where something has to die for something else to live.

One would then also have to concede, that the pain suffered by a gazelle as it is devoured alive by a lion, or that endured by a rat ripped apart by the talons of an eagle, is all a part of a perfect and irreproachable nature.

Moreover, we must bear in mind that this nature was allegedly designed by a compassionate and omnipotent GOD, who then went on to pass a law condemning killing whilst recognizing slavery.

If we look into the history of the canine toothed predator we call, MAN, we would soon see an evolution from a raw and savage barbarism to a nefarious system of man systematically exploiting man - with a brief interlude immersed in blood, torture, rape, slavery, human sacrifice, wars, cannibalism and other abominations.

So, if meaning was a kind of reward which is bestowed on the " VIRTUOUS" by a caring and kindly creator, I hasten to add that of all the species sharing the Earth today, man would have to rank, among one of the least deserving species, to receive it.

It is often posited that man is the only species endeared with an innate sense of right and wrong. I submit that history does not support this view, for on most occasions when due to breakdown in law and order, e.g. wars, plagues and natural disaster; when those 'innate qualities' have not been enforced; when man has been left to his won devices, to do as he chooses with impunity, his so - called sense of right and wrong soon degenerated into widespread looting, burning, rape, murder and reckless destruction. In a nutshell, on the occasions where his nature has not been suppressed by force, his true animal instincts soon emerged.

In my sense, the sense of right and wrong is no more innate in man that it is in other species. It is taught to many by society, much in the same way as a man teaches a DOG that it is wrong to eat the family cat but right to retrieve a ball.

When we think of the brevity of our lives in terms of geological times, we can only conclude that it is no more than an insignificant heartbeat in time. Similarly, if we compare a finite Universe with eternal cosmic time, we begin to wonder what dent, a few thousand billion years of existence could possibly make on the fabric of eternity?

From this perspective of eternity, Our UNIVERSE would seem to appear and disappear as quickly as the future merges into the past; therefore it cannot be anything else but INSIGNIFICANT, INDIFFERENT AND COMPLETELY DEVOID OF ANY MEANING. What's more, it is not impossible that out " BIG BANG" may have been but one of many, that could have occurred in the past, and which may again occur in the future. " BING BANGS" which may have given birth to other Universes with stars, planets, moon and other life forms, like those that exist today - which may have existed for a time before disappearing without a trace.

It is self evident that the only interference we can draw from the turbulence of an impermanent Universe is its proof of randomness. It exists in all its randomness simply because it does, if it did not, it would not exist.

For some time now, humans have been led to believe, that should we aspire to and acquire "virtues" such as loyalty, obedience, honesty, nobility, charity, integrity, truthfulness, graciousness and so on and so forth. And if we did, then our original " DESIGNER" would somehow reward us with immortality - albeit posthumously. Another trendy thought suggests that even without immortality, "virtues'' per se, give meaning and purpose to life.

I do not latch on to the same view. It is my firm belief that in an epoch of ignorance and superstition that those 'virtues' were specifically constructed letter by letter, syllable by syllable & word & word to dissuade the oppressed many from cutting the throats of the bloated few; designed by those who would would benefit most from them. At first, by the vilets of institution: RELIGION and MONARCHIES. Later the Feudal system perpetuated those make believe 'virtues' to appease the serfs, to placate the slaves, to soothe the oppressed,to manipulate them into serving and fulfilling their master's purposes instead of their own. To convince them to remain servile and LOYAL, to indoctrinate them with the silly notion that they should not revolt but meekly accept their fate with dignity and that if they remain faithful and patient, then somehow, they would " INHERIT THE EARTH''. FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!!

Today, those same fabricated ' virtues', those same unnatural qualities continue to beguile the gullible, the naive and the Innocent into leading artificial lives against the grain of their true nature. With most of the human race forced to waste their fleeting lives labouring like beasts of burden to generate capital of further enrich the few.

I ask you, where is the divine or otherwise in such a miserable existence of quiet desperation? It is mind blogging to accept that such an unjust biased system could ever have been designed, as rumor has it, by just , unbiased and omnipotent creator? Just as artificial 'virtues' exist only in the minds of those who believe in them, so too does meaning exist only for those who seek it.

To believe something to be true, simply because we wish it to be true, does not necessarily make it so. If you are standing ankle - deep in pig shit, no amount of wishful thinking or self delusion will suddenly change reality and put you ankle deep in Swiss chocolate. At the end of the day, you will still be in pig shit.

When all is said and done, we are not divine beings destined for immortal life somewhere in the clouds, but an evolving species of hairy mammals, who for this fleeting moment in time, live on a hot bit of stardust, which in turn spins around a temporary fire. Sooner or later, willing or unwilling, everyone of us is introduced to oblivion. That dear friends, is the long and short of it; everything else is mass delusion. DO not try to readjust your mind - the fault is inherit in reality itself. What I have been saying is this, no matter how much we try to sanitize and distort it, reality is reality. Our thinking can only change the way we see it - it cannot change reality itself.

I am afraid that the pure joy that other animals, madmen and little children derive from life, simply by existing, is all the meaning that life has to offer. Today, we may have evolved beyond a point where this pure joy is no longer possible and it could well be, that it is lost to us forever.

At this moment in time, we are merely recycling atoms, moving matter around on the surface of our rock from one place to another. In the end, whatever we as individuals or collectively as a species manage to achieve, will not amount to much more than just scattered debris of stardust wondering endlessly through time and space, waiting for gravity to weave its magic all over again.

Life is a journey leading nowhere, just as it has been for countless generations before us and will be for countless more after us, until in the end, even eternity and infinity may cease to be...

என் தினமும்

இருட்டில் விட்டால் கூட என் வீட்டு
ஒவ்வொரு மூலையும் எனக்கு அத்துபடி....
ஆனால் பட்ட பகலில் கூட எனக்கு புரியாது
என்னை சுற்றிசுழலும் என் உலகம்...
பார்வை இருந்தும் கையால் துழவி கொண்டே
தட்டு தடுமாறி என் நடை!!!
இதுவரை என்ன செய்தேன்?
இனி என்ன செய்வேன்?
புரியாத கேள்விகளும்...
பதிலறியா மௌனங்களும்
என்னை கட்டி பிடித்து...
பார்க்கும் முகங்கள் எல்லாம்
என்றோ கண்ட முகங்களின் பிரதிபலிப்பு!
விருப்பமிலாத சிரிப்பும்
விரும்பியும் கிட்டாத தெளிவும்
முகமும் மூளையும் குழப்பி குழம்பி
எனை தோற்கடிக்கும்!
எதனுள்ளோ எனை தொலைத்து விட்டு
எதனுள்ளோ தேடி கொண்டே இருக்கிறேன்!
இந்த குருட்டு தேடலில் ஒரு சுகம்
போகும் வழியறியாது
போய் சேரும் இடமும் அறியாது
ஆனாலும்
நிற்காது ஓடுகிறது
என் தினங்கள்!

போரில் நான்!!!

என் பூமகனே!
நான் செய்த புண்ணியம் நீ என்னுடையதானாய்!
ஆனால் நீ செய்த பாவமோ நான் உனக்கு தாயாய்!
எத்தனை எத்தனை தழும்புகள் உன் மனதில்
இந்த ஐந்து வயதுக்குள்!
மழலை சிரிப்பில் மூழ்கி விளையாடும் பருவத்தில்
உனக்கோ என் கண்ணீர் துடைக்கும் வேலை!
எனக்கு கிட்டிய அழகு குழந்தை பருவத்தை
உனக்கு கொடுக்க இயலாது நான்!
ஏனோ நீ ஒற்றை மரமாய் நிற்க நான் காரணமானேன்!
என் தவறுகளின் தண்டனை உனக்கு...

இதோ விடை கொடுக்கிறேன் மீண்டும்
ஒரு கோடி மன்னிப்புடன், என் இதயம் சிதைந்து
உன் முன்!
உயிரே பிசையும் வலி...
உன் கண்ணின் ஒவ்வொரு துளிக்கும்!
இன்னும் எத்தனை வேதனை நீ சகிக்க,
நான் காண வேண்டுமோ!
என் எதிரிக்கும் வேண்டாம் இந்த நரகம்
என் வாழ்க்கை பாதையை அழித்து அழித்து
எழுத சத்தியமாக ஆசை இல்லை எனக்கு!
உன் கண்ணீர் அடக்கி என் கண்ணை துடைக்கும்
உன் பட்டு விரல்கள்!
எத்தனை முதிர்ச்சி உன் கண்ணில்!!!

ஒரு அடி முன் வைக்க, பத்து அடி பின் வழுக்கி
இதோ திரும்ப தொடக்கத்தில் இருந்து என் ஓட்டம்...
நாளை கண் விழிக்கும்போது உன் முடி கலைத்து
முத்தமிட்டு எழுப்ப நான் இல்லை!
என்மேல் விழுந்து பிரண்டு, உன் யானையாய் மாற்றி
உன் பஞ்சு மூட்டையாய் மாறி,
கண்ணாமூச்சி ஆட நான் இல்லை!
மின்னல் வேகத்தில் குளிப்பாட்டி, உடை உடுத்தி,
ஒரு பக்கம் இட்லியும் சக்கரையும் ஊட்டி,
காலனி பூட்டி, பள்ளிக்கு அனுப்பி
புயலடித்து ஓய்ந்த அமைதியை உணர நான் இல்லை!
பள்ளி முடித்து நீ வரும் வழி பார்த்து
ஓடிவரும் உன்னை சேர்த்தணைத்து தூக்கி
உன் திராட்சை விழிகள் விரிய நீ சொல்லும்
கதை கேட்க நான் இல்லை!
இரவு உன்னை கட்டி பிடித்து
கதை சொல்லி உறங்க வைக்க நான் இல்லை!

இத்தனை கொடுமை நான் செய்தும்
விழியில் ததும்பும் நீரோடு, உன் ஈர முத்தத்தில் நனைத்து
என்னை பத்திரமாக இருக்க சொல்லும்
என் ஐந்து வயது தெய்வமே!
இனியாவது உனக்கு விடியல் கிடைக்க
இதோ என் தனிமை பயணம்!
என் வேண்டுதல் எல்லாம் எப்போதும்
உனக்காகவே!
எனக்காகவும் உண்டு ஒரே ஒரு வேண்டுதல்
இனி ஒரு ஜென்மம் இருந்தால்
நானே உன் தாயாய் வரவே அது...
அப்போதாவது ஒரு நல்ல அம்மாவாய் இருக்க!

விடை!!!

மனது கனத்து வலித்தது!
திரும்ப சந்திக்கும் விதி வருமோ!
இல்லை...
எப்போதும் போல நொடியில் மறையும் ஜன்னல் காட்சியாய்
மறைந்து போய் தான் விடுவாயோ!!!
நூலின் சிடுக்காய் மனசு முழுக்க
கேள்விகளும், துணை கேள்விகளும்...
இனி காணவே முடியாது போனால்
தாங்க தைரியமுண்டா என் இதயத்துக்கு?
புதிதா என்ன இந்த இத்து போன என் வாழ்வில்
ரயில் சினேகிதங்கள்!!!
வாழ்க்கை முழுக்க வந்து வந்து
மறையும் மின்மினியாய் முகங்கள்!!!
சிலருக்கு தான் எத்தனை பாக்கியம்!
ஒரே இடத்தில் பிறந்து, அதே இடத்தில் வாழ்ந்தும், முதிர்ந்தும்
அதே இடத்தில் ஜீவன் உதிர்ந்தும் போய்...
ஏனோ எனக்கு ஒரு நாடோடியின் வாழ்வு!
சிறிய மூட்டையாய் முதுகில் நியாபகங்கள் சுமந்து...
செல்லும் வழியெல்லாம் கால் தடம்கூட விடாத காற்றாய்
நான்...
வறண்ட என் பயண பாதையில்
நான் இளைப்பாற எனக்கு கிட்டிய ஒரு அகன்ற மரம் நீ!
மனதும் உடலும் ஓய்ந்து நின்ற நேரம்
மீண்டும் உயிர்பித்தது உன்னால்தான்!
நான் நீராய் போனால், உன் வேறை சேரலாம்
இல்லை
மண்ணாகி போனால், உன்னோடு இறுகி போகலாம்
ஏனோ
அலையும் காற்றாய் போனேனே!!!
எஞ்சியது நினைவில் அந்த சில நிமிட தழுவல் மட்டும்
திசை மாறும் இடமெல்லாம் நான் போக
மீண்டும் உன்னை காண நேர்ந்தால் சந்தோஷம் தான்
ஆனால்
என் தொடல் சில நிமிடம் தான்!
மீண்டும் விடை கொடுப்பேன் உனக்கு
என் முத்தத்தின் ஈரத்தோடு,
கண்ணீரின் சுவை கலந்து!

Back to square one... On the Move!!!

This is girl on the move... again starting from square one. Well, This time, My fate has brought me to Seychelles... Once again, After going through the same painful process of biding my son bye and almost an hour of crying, hugging, lots and lots of excruciating ache inside and loads of eyes staring at me and my son crying at the airport side walk and few of the passengers even stopping to look at us and watching my mom, brother and sis in law and my niece standing and looking at us helplessly ... I finally said bye and boarded a flight to Mumbai, which departed Chennai at almost half past nine at nine.

Well, the fun doesn't end there folks. I reached Mumbai and then was supposed to collect my luggage's and head to international airport. And My luggage went missing. I was supposed to check in for Kenya airlines at 12 midnight. And I was stranded without my luggage. By the time they traced the baggage, which was taken by a fellow passenger who had reached home and was almost about to hit the bed, It was 1'0 clock. Finally had to beg the person to bring the luggage and I was running like a marathon star and after 2 hours of nail biting tension, I finally was in the queue to board the flight to Nairobi. The flight took off at half past 3 and reached Nairobi at 7 in the morning ( Almost 5 hour journey).

Nairobi airport was no different from any other. Loads of tourists, crowded. Finally took a flight from there to Seychelles at 9 in the morning and We were flying over Indian Ocean and finally reached this place. So I have started to work here. Nice job. Learning Creole, which is the language of Seychellois.

As I always say, Same characters and same story line with different actors and different dialect. So that is it in nut shell....lol

I am going to write a book like Adventures of Sinbad which stars me Of course! with all my silly hideous experiences... Once again dreaming of the day, when I can be with my son !!!

காதல் மறித்து...

எப்போது புரியும் உனக்கு, என் அன்பே
உனக்கான என் காதல் மறித்து
வருடம் பல ஆன உண்மை!
வார்த்தைகளில் பஞ்சம் இப்போது அன்பு
நம் தொடக்கம் எப்படியோ?
பட்டசாய் வெடித்து, வெளிச்சவண்ணம் பாய்ச்சி
இப்போது மிச்சம் குப்பையாய்...

காதலின் சாயல் கூட காணாமல் போய் நாட்கள் பல
கண்ணில்...
உயிர்ப்புடன் தகிப்பதோ இன்று
ஊமையான கூக்குரலும்...
மூச்சடைக்கும் வாழ்க்கையும்...
சொல்லாத வெறுப்பும்...
உயிர் கொல்லும் தனிமையும்...
வண்ணம் பறித்த பார்வைகளும்...
கனவுகள் காணாமல் போன எதிர் காலமும்...
எப்படி இறந்து போனது என் காதல்...
சட்டென்று சாகவில்லை தான்
தினம் தினம்...

கொஞ்சம் கொஞ்சமாய்
ஒரு பார்வையில் சிறிது மறித்து...
ஒரு சொல்லில் கொஞ்சம்...
சந்தேகத்தில் இன்னும் வேகமாய்...
இறந்த என் காதலை எண்ணி
கண்ணீர் விட தோன்றும்...
ஆனால்
வேதனையை விட வெறுப்பு கூடுதல்
காரணம்...
என் காதலை நீ கொன்ற விதமோ...

யாருக்கு காயமும், வேதனையும், பாதிப்பும் கூடுதல்
இந்த உயிரற்ற விளையாட்டில்?
உனக்கா... எனக்கா...
மறித்தது என் காதல் என்ற உண்மை புதைத்து வைக்கலாம்தான்...
ஆனால்
அந்த புழுக்கம் போதும் நான் இறக்க
இதோ...
என் வாழ்வின் கசப்பு
நான் தொடும் எல்லாவற்றிலும் சாயமாய்...
இத்தனை வேதனை சகிக்க
எத்தனை காதல் இருந்திருக்க வேண்டும்
உன்மேல் என்னுள்...
எஞ்சி இருப்பது வறண்ட நான் மட்டும்
அடுத்து செய்வதறியாது
உன் நினைவுகள் புதைத்த கல்லறையில்
நானே காத்து!