What Am I Supposed To Do???

I would love you all to have a glimpse of my life... I am a bundle of everything. Whatever you can quote with a bundle of, would be me. A bundle of joy, A bundle of nerves, A bundle of crap, A bundle of hope, A bundle of tears... The thing is I really don't have a clue about anything in my life.

I get astonished by people who have a clear insight about their life and their aims in life. It is a talent, you know. I have always felt like swept in a mad current of events, all my life. It might sound stupid... But I have to tell you, It's depressing to me. I know anyone else in my shoes, would have handled my life better. They would have planned things, had a vision about future, had a far sight of things and anticipate and work out. I would love to be such a person. But unfortunately, I am nowhere near it... I am all the opposites.

Now, You might think what is wrong in that? What is so bad about it? Trust me... I am talking about exhaustion, frustration, inbuilt anger which is turning into a rage... I am always in the start of the race. Have you seen this movie " Ground hog day"? That is how I feel my life is... I always come back to square one after been beaten by all possible snakes and stumbling down all possible ladders.

I was never a responsible person. I am scared about my responsibilities. I am scared now so much because I have to sort out my son's life. I am in the middle of nowhere, you know. I am still in the search of what I am looking for.

In spite of all of my life being in bits and pieces, I some how keep walking. I am now torn between responsibility and fear. I want to donate my kidney to my maternal uncle, whom I love so much. But I have a bad family history of Diabetes and Hypertension and I am in the middle of sorting out my career. If I go ahead with the surgery, There is a high chance of falling out on my career and may be never achieve what I wanted to do and settle down for a mediocre life. And on top of it, If I develop any complication, I am going to leave behind my son with nothing to hope for. But I want to help my uncle as well, so badly.

What am I supposed to do now? I hate to make decisions and I hate the way my life goes on. It is sick and I am tired of fighting life. Sometimes I just want to curl up and give up... But it's my son's face which keeps me going on...

So if there are any wise brains out there, who can really spare a second to go through this blog, Your opinion is highly appreciated. Please think for me... COZ my neurons have died a long time back with the stress I had, have and having...