Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Its April 3rd again!!!

Its another Third of April!!! You know what I do when I buy a New calender... I, tear of the Third of April page or just smudge it with a marker pen, till I can't see the number in it... My father, My lovely, dear, smart, caring, intelligent, down to earth, gentle, magnanimous guy in his attitude and behaviour, compassionate towards fellow people, always knew what to do, most strongest person in heart I ever knew left me and whole of my family, this day.

I can't bare to look at my Mom on this day especially!!! She is much more stronger than she looks. But the amount of hardship she had to endure and she is still going through is enormous. She lived all her life right next to my Dad, you see... They used to leave for clinic together, work together, eat together and Trust me, I have never seen them even raise their voice in front of us!!! She was the only one next to my Dad, when he passed away... She witnessed the whole event... She watched my Dad die, right in front of her eyes...

I have witnessed her getting up night after night and just sit the whole night in front of the TV and I have seen tears rolling down her cheek silently, through my semi closed eyes. I was out of words to comfort her... I knew she was distressed, But as a grown up woman now I understand the full meaning of staying alone and toil without anyone to lean on too!!!

I miss my Dad so much and so does each and every one of m y family... Its been more than 10 years now, since we lost him. I know as a family we are suffering... But I have seen patients come with garlands and stay in front of his photo and cry even today. He has left such an impact on everyone he ever met. I can say, every wife will be happy if you get a husband like my Daddy.

He was a wonderful cook. I still remember the way he makes Omelette's and french toast. I still close my eyes and hear him humming in the bathroom. He used to get severe leg cramps, I used to press his legs. There was this afternoon, when He had a bad cramp and I started pressing his legs and he dozed off. He slept so peacefully, I didn't want to stop massaging his legs. He got up like an hour later and was startled to see me still pressing his legs. He just hugged me and couldn't speak with his tear glistened eyes. Oh GOD!!!

Have you ever felt the way I feel? I want to remember every thing, at the same time, I want to forget everything.... He was such a funny person.... There used to be lots of Power cuts in my town! Honestly I will long for those... He used to teach us how to make shadow images and say horror stories, which we ( Myself with my brothers and cousin sisters ) enact later on.

I still hear the way he calls me. Even feel his smell around me. I am so angry that he had left us. I am so sad and I am just angry because I couldn't help him. I never could buy him the huge telescope he always wanted to buy and watch the stars at night. He never bought anything for himself. I always thought when I start earning, I will first buy him whatever he wanted. He never even bothered to buy new shirts for him. My Athai always bought him new shirt on his Birthday, which is on the 24th of April. It was like a ritual for her... I don't remember her missing even one.

Do you know, My Grandma, Thangamma, she died on my Dad's Birthday. She is such a strong women herself. She managed to bring up 5 kids to such levels, without any educational background and with a husband who had bad drinking habits. She made 3 of them Doctors, 1 is now Principal for Fine arts and sculpture and the last one as Minister in the Tamilnadu Legislative Assembly. She was so hard on us too. We used to hate her, because she used to scold and hit us. But she was good at heart...

So with my closets full of skeletons... I still manage to smile. I sometimes wonder how... All I keep doing every day is to ask for forgiveness and just say the same thing a million times... I LOVE YOU SO MUCH DADDY! WE ALL MISS YOU!!! LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN THE SAME SINCE YOU LEFT US... EACH OF US THINK OF YOU EVERY DAY...



Anonymous said...

its hard very harsh and every word speaks volumes of sadness, sorrow, I wish i could extend a helping hand, a wamrm shuolder and what not to You

Anonymous said...

You know what, you have just written my exact feelings I have for the person I loved the most - my Dad. Its been 7 yrs since he has left this world, but each and every days revolves around thinking abt him. I have got new relations in the past 7 yrs, but that one place I had for him can never be replaced. I feel a lot bad for my mom, since old age needs a company and most importantly the spouse