Full moon and My life!!!

Have you ever felt connection with Moon, the way I feel? May be some have, but I feel that Full moon has been there witnessing most of the important events of my life with me... Yeah... Yeah... Yeah... Another nut case there, you think... Well may be, But I am telling the truth!

I remember my childhood especially during the vacations, where we used to go to Coimbatore to my Athai's place. I used to fight for the window seat to watch the moon travel with me. Very happy times, All of us used to keep munching something or other till we reach CBE. Fun times... I have seen this silly Moon following us and envying us for having all the fun.

Did I tell you I learnt classical Bharathanatiyam since I was 7 for almost 8 years? We used to be dressed up and wait at back stage. Most of them were open stages and I used to feel so important and used to love the hustle and bustle around me. Lime light at the age of 7... I was a bit of a show off, Well, I was the prime student for Our dance teacher, Shanthi miss. I cannot forget those times. Well, waiting at the back stage with the traditional costume on and face full of makeup and haltha in hand and heart ticking in excitement, when I look up... This Moon was still there looking at me.

I was growing up... Hale and healthy... There are times when My mom used to mix food for Me and my two brothers and my 3 cousin sisters and make us sit in a huge circle with a big bowl full of appalam in the middle of us, in our back yard. We had nice garden with lots of trees around some coconut trees, guava tree, custard apple tree, banana tree, and lots more with lots of grass and in the front we had all flowering plants and shrubs. It used to be so nice. In the night times, with the nice sweet smell of the garden and all the chirping sound of the insects and all the 6 of us making a huge mess and feasting from the balls of rice and appalam from my mom's hand, all of us will be talking at the same time and laughing and My Dad and my grandma and my athai and my chithappa will be watching us and enjoying. Guess what, this moon was there witnessing this huge family's love and happiness and trust.

Then, we were in our teens. I remember my first sight. It sounds so silly. I felt this odd sense of being still treated as a child at home and being looked as an adult when I walk out in public. There was this guy who used to come in the cycle behind our rickshaw. He was in a different school, But used to come till my school and keep going front and back, showing all sorts of stunts. Though I didn't know how to react, I used to feel so happy. Silly, I know... Then there was this guy in the class and he used to be Boys leader and I used to be Girls leader. I used to stay awake not knowing why and used to watch this moon looking at me, tossing and turning.

I went to medical college and had a lovely gang and was friends with everyone. We had a huge roof top, where we used to sit and chat till 2 or 3 in the night. We used to eat there, used to celebrate birthday parties there, used to just lie down and watch the stars and this stupid moon in the vast sky.

Then came a day... I was standing in Engineering college, where medical college students were conducting an exhibition. It was April 3rd... I was in charge of a few assignments and projects there. My brother came rushing in and asked me to come with him in a very harsh tone. There has always been an ego fight between me and my brother. Twins, you see... I was getting mad at him. He said Dad is not well, we should start now. I was not worried. Then he said these people who called said Dad was no more. There used to be lots of prank calls like this during this April fool's time. I was kinda scared but was very sure nothing would go wrong. I just spoke to my Dad, previous day night. Then came back to the hostel, to pack. I was sure that Dad was just not well, nothing else would go wrong. My brother said there was no buses at that time. So He said let us go in his Bike. It was a 6 hours journey from my college to my home town. We started at around 6 in the evening and There was this beautiful full moon watching us, riding in silence, bubbling with lots of questions and uncertainties and prayers. We never spoke one word, nor we stopped anywhere. That 6 hours of journey in that night, in the silence and Full moon still haunts me. We saw lots of cars and people, the minute we entered our street, My brother just said," Ayyo! Priya!!!"in a whisper. That day My Dad was not there with us. I remember watching mile after mile passing us by with the company of the Full moon and praying and shedding tears in silence, thinking that My Dad should be alright. This full moon was mocking at us then too!!!

Then came My marriage, The fights in the family, The splits, The heartaches, My pregnancy, My labour and My separation and My happiness... For my every single major event, The full moon never failed to give its attendance. Especially My labour... 15 hours of Pain and I could see the moon out of the window ceiling. All I could do was watch the Moon and feel the pain and contraction. I felt as if a very dear friend who has been there in good and bad times is just staying with me. I gave birth to my son at around quarter to 1 in the night. The moon was the first one to see My son too...

Even Now, lots of heartaches do follow me. I watch so much of uncertainties in front of me. Have you felt close to some one or something, but still you know and feel that you have no right over it or them? Well, walking away from them or seeing them walk away from you is one of the most depressing thing one can experience. I still have those experiences, bad ones. But when I look up at the sky, at least My moon is there to say, "Don't worry! At least I am here for you and will be there till you disappear".

WOW!!!

I started writing this Blog since May. And my blog has been read by ( seen by, may be) 50 people. And none has scolded me to stop torturing them with my way of writing.

Wheeeeeewwwwwww.....

Hurray for me then...

In between the journey!!!

How uncertain are the distances covered in my travel?
The map of my long journey and roads lies unfolded
All I have is the shadows of twilight to show me the path
What am I afraid off?

My footprints are smeared all along my road
But I will not know with what?
But I am still scared!
Fate does twinkle at us like a distant cold star…

Behind every closed doors and folded palms something awaits
But Am I aware of it?
Can I rest a while please!!!
Do I have time for that one second of death?

Can I quench my thirst with a few drops from the dried up roots
Our rivers might bring us together
What else can we hold in this mystic journey?
Except for a few twigs of hope!!!

Erosion!!!

Years ago…
My minutes were just spent making plans
Thinking every second, even in my nights
Lied only one single question…
How can I win your eyes?

My smiles…
My tears…
My anger…
My passion…
My madness…
My love…
My search…
My quests were all done, only to win for your eyes!!!

My eyes and face kept doing charades every day…
Now that the end is near in this hourglass…
Here my emotions have eroded!!!
Here my words have dissolved!!!
Here my eyes have evaporated!!!
And I can see your eyes now…
And I look at you, but you mean nothing anymore…
Like a distorted image of a colours!

Home!!!

We live under the same roof,
We share the same floor,
We breathe the same air that carries your and my scents!
I can hear your footsteps and so can you!
I can feel what you are doing this minute
And I know you too can sense me!

Under this same house,
We live in our separate homes.
Though my essence still keeps waltzing in your rooms,
Your home is not mine!
Though your pictures smiles from my walls
My home is not yours!

My house is my home
And
Your house is your home!!!
Our barricades never touches each other
In a sad and distant way…

What is it with the generation gap!!!

I have heard a lot about this particular terminology, of late.... Invasion of Personal space and Domestic violence and stuff like that.... Lots of problems are starting to exist because of this, as the world is getting modernised. WHY is that? The divorce rates are increasing at an alarming rate in the India.

There are a heap of theories for that, I guess.... Once upon a time, take for instance my grandma's period, she got married at the age of 13, even before she could attain her puberty. But she was married to my grandpa for almost 50 years. She still talks so high of him, But I have never seen her talking to my grandpa in front of us. Then comes my mom, I have not seen my mom and dad fight in front of us, Not even once. Then comes me and my generation, There is not one day that goes without a fight in front of our young ones....

Now, Three different time periods, Three different life styles and Three different personal spaces. My grandma thought that talking to her husband at her house in front of her children was some kind of sin. She just gave birth to 4 kids, Don't ask me how that happened??? But What was her role in my grandpa's life? Cooking, cleaning, taking care of his parents and his children and Other house hold chores. But My grandma can sing very well and she used to teach us dancing and is an excellent cook and a wonderful Gardener. I have never seen her get any appreciation for those and she has never complained ever, till now.

Now coming to my mom, She is a doctor and has been a very dutiful wife to my dad. My dad was a doctor too. But in our clinic, she was very submissive. My Dad was known to all and most of them thought my mom was a staff nurse. Because she used to handle money and take care of prescriptions stuff like that and always let My Dad to be the main person in the clinic...She never complained about her career. She never crossed my Dad and She has been a very dutiful person taking care of him and us. But My Dad passed away when he was 42. That was the biggest blow that came on to our family. But My Mom had us to raise, as we were in the first year of college and She was so strong and brought us up. Till now, she is running the clinic... But never once thought about what she wanted...

Now coming to me, I am a doctor too... My marriage is still hard to describe in words. I had so much of expectations and nothing seemed to work. End of the day, it is just hatred and humiliation that is spread throughout. Everyone trying to out beat the other and trying to find fault with other and trying to just rip the other person out and intrude into other person privacy. But I know what I want very clearly and I have absolutely no intention of compromising at any point for anything or anyone? Is it because the world has become more competitive? Is it because wedding doesn't mean they own the other person anymore, mostly men owning the women's life?

Why is it so difficult to adjust nowadays? Has the work load for women increased? Of course!!! Yes... They have both a career and a family to run. When I go to my home town in the local train, I used to see groups of men standing and having a cup of tea and discussing politics and other stuff... But when you look at working women, Poor things, They will be running to get into the earliest train possible, so that they can go and cook and settle and sleep. Most of them buy veggies in the train and try to get it ready for the next day...

The cost of living has increased, so both husband and wife has to work. But, The wife, who was once kept locked in the kitchen, as soon as she steps out to see the world, She begins to compare her with everything. When the husband is not good enough, She knows it and Education gives her the confidence. Men can sense it, but too egoistic to accept that they don't meet the standards, most of the time. So, a sense of helplessness creeps into their brain, which later gets perverted to nonsense. The men mostly have turned very selfish and scared at the same time. They are not able to live the lives of their father and grandfather, because there is a drastic change in the women's attitude. This turns into violence against women in all sense... Previously they used to say, even if your husband kills you, he is your husband so we should not even lift a finger against him. Nowadays... Women doesn't want their marriage to become a strangling constraint, just for the sake of saving a wedding and are willing to come out and stand on their own legs...

Well... what can I say? Things have changed a lot with women. The only way to handle this is not by adjusting but to understand and accept with full heart. And Give her the support, which she deserves. Behind every successful man, there is a women and Behind every successful woman, there is definitely no man. That is the key to success so far... LOL... If it changes then Marriages might last a bit more longer...

The one i read recently and laughed!!!

kiss, gesture,and advice

Kiss on the Forehead = I hope we're together forever

Kiss on the Ear = Your my everything

Kiss on the Cheek = You look so cute

Kiss on the Hand = I adore you

Kiss on the Neck = We belong together

Kiss on the Shoulder = I want you

Kiss on the Lips = I love you

What the gesture means...

Holding Hands = We definitely like each other

Slap on the butt = That's mine

Holding on tight = I don't want to let go

Looking into each other's Eyes = I just plain love you

Playing with Hair = Tell me you love me

Arms around the Waist = I love you too much to let go

Laughing while Kissing = I am completely comfortable with you

***Advice****

Don't ask for a kiss, take one.***

If you were thinking about someone while reading this,you're definitely in Love.**

Sex... Is it Divine or a Weapon!!!

In medical college, the first thing we were taught is that every living thing, no matter what sort of intelligence it has, they are designed to do only two things. One is to eat and the next is to F**K, sorry procreate is the term used there and give an offspring. It applies to the single celled organism to the ones with the highest intelligence, so called humans...

So, If it is the case, When did rules and regulations come into place? When did ideas like One man for One woman and stuff like that come into existence? Why do we give importance to culture like wedding and sex after marriage, at least for name sake? Why is it still difficult to discuss about sexual feelings, doubts, experimentation's and expertise to anyone openly? And most of all, why is there a bunch of people who keeps saying India is so rich in tradition and culture and heritage and should not let such discussions about sex education and premarital sex into this country?

For a country, which is so laden with rich tradition and moral values, India is still topping the chart in second place in AIDS in world. And In my experience of working in a few rural areas, the amount of illegal abortions and stuff is huge. Same goes to the cities and towns as well. So If sex is happening everywhere, Why are we not still open minded about it and talk and accept it? How can a same act be ok if done in secrecy, how much ever out of the way it could be but not to be discussed? Why is there so much of hippocracy and idiocracy associated with it?

One of my colleague is a widow and she is not interested in getting married again because of her bad previous marital life. And One of my friend is a divorcee with one kid and One of them is just so terribly abused by her husband financially, emotionally and physically. All three of them have the same question in life. That is " I AM NOT INTERESTED IN GETTING MARRIED AGAIN, BUT HOW CAN I SATISFY MY SEXUAL URGE?''. One of them was so depressed, She had to take a help of a Psychiatrist and finally had a counselling to channelise herself in healthy activities like going to temple or reading or getting involved in family more. Funny, I felt... When men can f**k and s***w anyone they feel like, why can't women? What is wrong with it? Is there anything wrong in it? The needs and wants are the same to both men and women, isn't it?

If Sex and other stuff are going under the table at such alarming rates, Why is it wrong to have just a plain sexual relationship? Why is it so difficult in India to get out of society's tongue? If it had been a different country or a culture, It is no big deal. Coz That is what it is... SEXUAL URGE is like hunger...

I am not trying to demoralise the values that are existing in anyways. But If things are happening, Why can't we accept it as it is, without trying to pass on a judgement. Girls are always a target for any sort of insult. In every country and culture, If a man has to be insulted, the women in the family are being tainted. How is that every bad word in every country be talking about the women's genital? If Sex is divine and so honourable, why are we not able to see such theories in real life?

Well, I don't know what to say further. If at all, there is something that has improved, women are getting literate and they are able to stand on their own and able to make decision on their own, at least for a little bit. But no matter, where they are born and how they are been raised and how they settle down, every where women live their life in false pretense most of the times. I have seen so many women of different age groups, still not knowing what an orgasm is. Well, when sex is high on the roof, even then it is the men who are having the most of it. Nothing much...

When a women is been sexually harassed, it causes her so much pain and mental trauma. Have you heard anything like this associated with men? Well, I have not. I have read that Starting from the most ancient times till now, during war in which ever country it is, thousands and thousands of women are being rapped and killed and incapacitated. Why does women automatically become the weaker sex? Is it because of the fact, women are mere recepients of a few secretions from the glands of men or because they can get pregnant and men cannot or is it just because of all the age old crap being fed into every single men that they are some kind of superior race?

Well, I heard a phrase, a funny one, which talks about rape, " If you can't fight it, just lie back and enjoy it". Very cruel, I used to think once, Now I am not sure what sort of feelings it stirrs inside of me. Whatever it is, I just want to say that there is still discrimination between men and women everywhere, right from bed.

AAAAAAAA!!!! Curse or a Blessing...

As years pass by, the names which were so important in my life, has turned into mere names, with nothing else ringing bell. Why does that happen? Does it happen to all? What is the purpose of something so beautiful just turning so insignificant? If we all had some distant vision, would we have walked holding any relationship so close to your heart and ultimately have it stabbed so badly and walk with just scars inside, which even now bleeds? Is it God who plays behind all this? Well, Does God have time for all this? Finally, Who is God anyways?

As I was talking to my son, who is now 5, he suddenly asked me a weird question. He asked me whom all I knew died or passed away? I told him that I watched both my Grandpa's and my Grandma ( My father's mom) and My Dad and My Athai (both were doctors who passed away tragically at younger age) and two of my classmates (One was senthil kumar who committed suicide when he was in the first year of college and another friend who drowned and died) and a friend's husband who died when he was just around 26 leaving my friend and her 2 year old son and so on.

As I was listing and each time I said one name, A reel of images of them laughing with me and their faces at their death and all these painful things kept stirring in. Suddenly My son threw a question at me again, asking whether I will die? Well I didn't know what to say for less than a second. Then I had to lift my head and say "Yes! Pappa, Mommy will die one day too". His next question threw me off my balance totally. He asked me, " Mom! Then, Will I die too"?

What should I say to him? It was such a horror laden thought to think of my Son that way. But, I did not want to lie to him, So I told him, "Yes! Pappa, You will die some day too". He got a bit upset and said that he did not want to die. Well, Don't we all... Then, he just settled with something to play and left me with so many questions hanging in the air.

In most of the epics, I have heard of all Rishis and Gurus asking for not giving them rebirth again. Well, If I am asked, what will I say? I definitely don't want to be born, for sure... Too much pain...

One of the best part I liked in Mahabaratha is the final journey of all the Pandavas and Drowpathi and a Dog to heaven with their bodily forms. When everyone falls, King Dharuma will be the one with the Dog who would be standing in front of the Gates of Heaven, where He would be asked a lot of questions. One of the questions directed to him was WHAT IS THE MOST FUNNY THING IN THIS WORLD ?

Guess what would have been his answer. Well! He said that PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO DIE TOMORROW SIT AND CRY FOR THE PERSON WHO DIED TODAY, this is the most funny thing in this world. Thinking of which, It is such a true word but hard to digest.

Well! There will be an opening line in the animation movie called Antz where Woody Allen would have given voice to a character called Z. He would have been a depressed and confused ant who will have a session in his Psychiatrist and keep saying he feels so insignificant. And the Psychiatrist will shout, Well... Z! You have made a Breakthrough!!! YOU ARE INSIGNIFICANT!!!

There you go!!! Shout you people of earth! Time is of no concern, words are of no concern and nothing is of no concern, Coz, We are so insignificant... All we can do in this, is just live and let live happily.

Good Bad and the Ugly!!!

Well, It's been just my silly poems, of late filling the blog pages. I thought i would rather write something else for a change. Life sometimes puts me in a funny place, where i can see changes right in front of my eyes.

So far, i have only one best friend, in whom I confide everything. Funny, we don't talk regularly or update ourselves frequently. But whenever we talk, I could just feel the same warmth and care and affection in her for me. She is such a wonderful person. She always says that i run into relationships and get out heart broken. She used to be picky all the times, with friends. But I used to make both friends and enemies fast. LOL...

She will say the relationship which takes the longest time to mature, is the one which will stay the longer. Well, theoretically, I know this by heart. But in my real life, I am such a loser. I always see relationships which start out so colourfully, turns into bland things within months almost like a bubblegum losing its flavour.

The hard part is each time I go near so fast and come out so fast. Sometimes certain links get broken, certain links remains out of focus, certain links gets turned into ugly monsters and certain links just vanish with time. But no matter what it is, the ultimate loser in this charade is Myself...

So almost like a resolution taken in this month of June, I am not going to step into anyone. Would rather stay alone than searching for fakes in this sea full of fakes... I don't know whether any of what I said made any sense at all, well that is me, end of the day. Take it or leave it...

Don't you know!!!

You are gentler than breeze
You are younger than sea
But I don't want you to wait in the middle of my eyes and my tears!!!
Waiting with the sky as a shelter in your arms...

Don't you know?
I am just a silly pebble sitting silently
Not able to run along with this little stream of tears!!!
When you look through my eyes, You will know
That darkness is just a Black Sun;
And light is just a Golden night;
My time has missed its rhythm

Don't you know?
Your kiss is just a door to my heart!
It gets locked, When you knock it...
It opens, when you lock it...
That door might not be born too, or might crash and die, if you want!

Don't you know?
Death doesn't tell anyone how it tastes...
Birth doesn't tell anyone how it dies...
Likewise
Here I stand
Not knowing that you are not coming back!!!

Few minutes that still lives fresh within!!!

Fluttering alone!!!

I stand in this empty terrain, waiting to be flamed

You can burn me up very tenderly...

Don't need a torch or a volcano

A bit of water from the mirage river

With a gentle blade of grass is enough.

I am still alive and burning, in spite of the dawn,
Though the trunks of trees are uprooted in this tornado
I am still struggling not knowing how to die...
Fluttering and fighting, I am still alive.

May be my death can be brought with a drop of dew or rain,
Here I stand and beg and pray for that...
Clouds could feel my pain and might give me rain
But the droplets don't hear my voice and here I watch them go back.

Look at my cheeks been ripped off with the lightning thorns of your kiss,
With the explosion of your silence, here my heart is learning to beat,
The stars of my nights looks at your eyes for the last time
And rests in their grave with a last twinkle.

May be I should learn to eat my dreams and drink my tears
And just die unfolded...
Still have hopes that someone will light me up and put me off
Don't you think it is sad for a flame to expect who will do this to her!

In this sadness, my tresses of hair are burning in black flame
If it is going to be our night...
I want only you to teach me
How to gently end me and my night in your arms...

Answers

Don't ask me questions, I have always got answers...
In this canopy of words, where no questions survive
I live alone...
In this myriad, where no questions metamorphosis
I still live alone...
All around the leaves, tendrils, barks, trunks and roots
Lives the answers without questions.
All kinds of answers reside side by side

Answers that will satisfy you
Answers that will aggravate you
Answers that will identify you
Answers that will crush you
Answers that you expect
Answers that you don't expect
Answers with words
Answers without verses
Answers with meanings
Answers without heart
Answers with hope
Answers that will bury you hope

With these, My jungle is stuffed with answers
No one dares to put a foot into my forest
Even if they do, none go back empty handed
But none throws the seeds of questions to sprout around the answers.

kaleidoscope

The lovely days, I have spent with you
The times, I was mad with your thoughts
The dates, which we just spent laughing
The happy minutes, we enjoyed together
Letters, we shared with love
The poems, which dug deep into our souls
The nights, we spent talking
The warp, in which we both were lost
The days, we were drenched in our anger
The nights, we quenched it with our touches
Kisses, which just kept us alive
The gaps, in which we slept
The minutes, which we wanted to spent together
The seconds, we suffered for our separation
The hours, we waited to see again
Everything
Everything
Seems to have lost inside my aberrations today!!!
You and me were just mere images that keeps on churning
Will not be the same again.