Tuesday, July 10, 2007

The infamous step!!!

My mom always thought that she had given birth to some prodigy kids and always made us learn everything possible. In her trial of making us Masters of all trades, we had to learn so many stuff. I will try to list out...Bharathanatiyam, vocal carnatic music, veena for me and miruthangam for my brother, shorthand, typing, rollerskating etc... etc...

So I started learning Bharathanatiyam, when I was 4 or 5 and I was the first student to learn it and was famous those days. But with all the gifts and attention, My twin bro got highly irritated and at one point, he started to challenge me, while I was practising. I was stupid enough to take up his challenge. But to every one's surprise, he had so much of grasping power. Though he had never danced even once, he picked up almost 2 years of my classes. He was good enough to level me up at my varnam!!!

Alas!!! My short span of attention and stuff just went down the drain. Once again, he outbeat me... Though I don't remember much details, there are a few parts of laughter here and there.

Once we were supposed to perform in a Rotary club, We had a hectic schedule and to lighten up the crowd, My dance teacher decided to let us do a peppy number, probably " Jhoot bhole kawwa kathe" from Bobby, if I am not wrong. We had to watch that song on VCR like over a thousand times to get the same steps. We later realised it was a huge event and the chief guest was My chithappa, who was a minister at that time and loads of Police officials, Rotarian's and Doctors and their families were invited. Almost a 3 hours programme. Every thing was going as per schedule and it was really nice. Nice costumes and loads of applause to start with.

There was a particular step in which I am supposed to sit down and beg my brother and catch hold of his foot. Never really liked that step, coz I had to catch his foot. I even tried to bribe my dance miss to either change it or replace it with some other step. Cool isn't it? I was, what around 6 or 7 and already trying to bribe. Well the attempt was a sooper dooper failure... And I was furious and never used to do that step on rehearsal, even once.

On that big night, We were performing this song. At that particular step, I felt so furious to have to hold his foot, in front of so many people. So I might have pinched him, a bit, by mistake, I guess. But he stamped my hand in return. That was it... The rage that was suppressed for all those long hours, days and weeks, from inside just burst out. I attacked him like a tigress with all vengeance and started biting his arms. He pulled my hairdo and flip fell my wig and That was it. There was a mini war and bloodshed on stage, like never before. After a moment of silence, there was a sudden outburst of laughter in the crowd. My mom and my dance miss literally sank so low in their chairs at that instance, cowering their faces.

So much cursing, crying, shouting, hitting and running around for "Jhoot bhole" on stage was apparently more hilarious and more entertaining to the crowd, rather than the steps we got after gruelling practise sessions. Finally the Inspector and the Sub inspector of police, who came as my Chithappa's security, had to climb up the stage and had to pull us apart and carry us, out of the stage. This photo was taken in the back stage and can you still see the anger and irritation on both our faces!!!

For my embarrassment, people still do remember that incident and quote it now and then. Especially when they see me with my son, who looks at me like an alien and rolls and laughs at me, after the narration is over.

My twin brother, still keeps saying now and then, I was after all made of the left over and he seemed to have acquired the best and I am his so called

"FACTORY REJECTED PIECE". I love him so much!!!

Friday, July 6, 2007

Sleeping patterns: I liked it...



I don't know how true it is... But looked so cool!!! Enjoy... I am sure who ever sees this, will automatically think how they sleep with their partner.

Is this how one would feel, when trust is lost !!!



Why are we attracted to a person, We know isn't good enough? Why do we fall for the wrong person?



Is it because We are hoping that we are wrong, whenever that voice whispers inside our head? And every time he does something that tells you that he is not good, You ignore it. And every time he comes through and surprises you, He wins you over. And You always lose the argument with yourself "THAT HE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH
FOR YOU".



It is hard to believe when you hear people say," I know how you feel". But if you are really hurt at heart, I actually know how you feel. I understand the feeling that is as small and insignificant as humanly possible. And How it can actually ache in places inside that you never knew that where inside you.



And It doesn't matter how many new make overs you have, how many places you go to, or however you spend your time, You are still going to lie down every night thinking of each and every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And How in the hell in that briefest moment of uncertainity, you could think that you were actually that happy.



After all that, How ever long that may be, You might go somewhere new, meet people who will make you feel worth while again and you make friends. The bits and pieces of your lost soul will finally come back to you. And all the fuzzy stuff, those years that you have wasted, THAT WILL EVENTUALLY BEGIN TO FADE AWAY
.

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

The letter that never made it to the Post Box


May be this should be the letter, that should be running in the minds of any couple who split after years of trying to figure out their marital life... May be I can run away? But I have nobody to run off with...nor can I run off. Apparently, My life isn't even my own to do away with. I do feel in my heart, I must take leave of you now. Because unless I disentangle myself from you emotionally... I will never be a better person nor a fit parent for my child.
I don't think you could measure all the tears I have shed. When I've needed you most, You always have found it more pressing to be anywhere else, but with me. But I know it wasn't always so. I know the world was once vibrant with promise. How thrilling my life was until I met you and even adventurous for some time? But somewhere along the line, something was lost. Just Lost in Translation, I guess. I must have loved you an awful lot, to have been so hurt. In fact, sometimes I almost wish you would have yourself a love affair. So you would know how the heart can be affected.
Oh... I guess you loved me in your own way... As a part of the whole picture. A COMFORTABLE LIFE TAKEN FOR GRANTED. But believe me, IT IS NOT ENOUGH. May be it is all I meant to get, But don't let anybody over treat our child this way.
From here on, I will stop hoping you will change. I won't expect evenings To be different different from each other. Nor weekends different from work days. I won't expect anything anymore. But just know that you have destroyed a heart and a marriage. I have stopped expecting. But I still miss your tenderness, your thoughtfullness and even your politeness. I don't know if you have it in you, But I yearn for it.
May be someday, when you have noting else on your mind.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Full moon and My life!!!


Have you ever felt connection with Moon, the way I feel? May be some have, but I feel that Full moon has been there witnessing most of the important events of my life with me... Yeah... Yeah... Yeah... Another nut case there, you think... Well may be, But I am telling the truth!
I remember my childhood especially during the vacations, where we used to go to Coimbatore to my Athai's place. I used to fight for the window seat to watch the moon travel with me. Very happy times, All of us used to keep munching something or other till we reach CBE. Fun times... I have seen this silly Moon following us and envying us for having all the fun.
Did I tell you I learnt classical Bharathanatiyam since I was 7 for almost 8 years? We used to be dressed up and wait at back stage. Most of them were open stages and I used to feel so important and used to love the hustle and bustle around me. Lime light at the age of 7... I was a bit of a show off, Well, I was the prime student for Our dance teacher, Shanthi miss. I cannot forget those times. Well, waiting at the back stage with the traditional costume on and face full of makeup and haltha in hand and heart ticking in excitement, when I look up... This Moon was still there looking at me.
I was growing up... Hale and healthy... There are times when My mom used to mix food for Me and my two brothers and my 3 cousin sisters and make us sit in a huge circle with a big bowl full of appalam in the middle of us, in our back yard. We had nice garden with lots of trees around some coconut trees, guava tree, custard apple tree, banana tree, and lots more with lots of grass and in the front we had all flowering plants and shrubs. It used to be so nice. In the night times, with the nice sweet smell of the garden and all the chirping sound of the insects and all the 6 of us making a huge mess and feasting from the balls of rice and appalam from my mom's hand, all of us will be talking at the same time and laughing and My Dad and my grandma and my athai and my chithappa will be watching us and enjoying. Guess what, this moon was there witnessing this huge family's love and happiness and trust.
Then, we were in our teens. I remember my first sight. It sounds so silly. I felt this odd sense of being still treated as a child at home and being looked as an adult when I walk out in public. There was this guy who used to come in the cycle behind our rickshaw. He was in a different school, But used to come till my school and keep going front and back, showing all sorts of stunts. Though I didn't know how to react, I used to feel so happy. Silly, I know... Then there was this guy in the class and he used to be Boys leader and I used to be Girls leader. I used to stay awake not knowing why and used to watch this moon looking at me, tossing and turning.
I went to medical college and had a lovely gang and was friends with everyone. We had a huge roof top, where we used to sit and chat till 2 or 3 in the night. We used to eat there, used to celebrate birthday parties there, used to just lie down and watch the stars and this stupid moon in the vast sky.
Then came a day... I was standing in Engineering college, where medical college students were conducting an exhibition. It was April 3rd... I was in charge of a few assignments and projects there. My brother came rushing in and asked me to come with him in a very harsh tone. There has always been an ego fight between me and my brother. Twins, you see... I was getting mad at him. He said Dad is not well, we should start now. I was not worried. Then he said these people who called said Dad was no more. There used to be lots of prank calls like this during this April fool's time. I was kinda scared but was very sure nothing would go wrong. I just spoke to my Dad, previous day night. Then came back to the hostel, to pack. I was sure that Dad was just not well, nothing else would go wrong. My brother said there was no buses at that time. So He said let us go in his Bike. It was a 6 hours journey from my college to my home town. We started at around 6 in the evening and There was this beautiful full moon watching us, riding in silence, bubbling with lots of questions and uncertainties and prayers. We never spoke one word, nor we stopped anywhere. That 6 hours of journey in that night, in the silence and Full moon still haunts me. We saw lots of cars and people, the minute we entered our street, My brother just said," Ayyo! Priya!!!"in a whisper. That day My Dad was not there with us. I remember watching mile after mile passing us by with the company of the Full moon and praying and shedding tears in silence, thinking that My Dad should be alright. This full moon was mocking at us then too!!!
Then came My marriage, The fights in the family, The splits, The heartaches, My pregnancy, My labour and My separation and My happiness... For my every single major event, The full moon never failed to give its attendance. Especially My labour... 15 hours of Pain and I could see the moon out of the window ceiling. All I could do was watch the Moon and feel the pain and contraction. I felt as if a very dear friend who has been there in good and bad times is just staying with me. I gave birth to my son at around quarter to 1 in the night. The moon was the first one to see My son too...
Even Now, lots of heartaches do follow me. I watch so much of uncertainties in front of me. Have you felt close to some one or something, but still you know and feel that you have no right over it or them? Well, walking away from them or seeing them walk away from you is one of the most depressing thing one can experience. I still have those experiences, bad ones. But when I look up at the sky, at least My moon is there to say, "Don't worry! At least I am here for you and will be there till you disappear".

Sunday, June 24, 2007

WOW!!!



I started writing this Blog since May. And my blog has been read by ( seen by, may be) 50 people. And none has scolded me to stop torturing them with my way of writing.
Wheeeeeewwwwwww.....
Hurray for me then...

Friday, June 22, 2007

In between the journey!!!

How uncertain are the distances covered in my travel?
The map of my long journey and roads lies unfolded
All I have is the shadows of twilight to show me the path
What am I afraid off?

My footprints are smeared all along my road
But I will not know with what?
But I am still scared!
Fate does twinkle at us like a distant cold star…

Behind every closed doors and folded palms something awaits
But Am I aware of it?
Can I rest a while please!!!

Do I have time for that one second of death?

Can I quench my thirst with a few drops from the dried up roots
Our rivers might bring us together
What else can we hold in this mystic journey?
Except for a few twigs of hope!!!

Erosion!!!


Years ago…
My minutes were just spent making plans
Thinking every second, even in my nights
Lied only one single question…
How can I win your eyes?

My smiles…
My tears…
My anger…
My passion…
My madness…
My love…
My search…
My quests were all done, only to win for your eyes!!!

My eyes and face kept doing charades every day…
Now that the end is near in this hourglass…
Here my emotions have eroded!!!
Here my words have dissolved!!!
Here my eyes have evaporated!!!
And I can see your eyes now…
And I look at you, but you mean nothing anymore…
Like a distorted image of a colours!

Home!!!


We live under the same roof,
We share the same floor,
We breathe the same air that carries your and my scents!
I can hear your footsteps and so can you!
I can feel what you are doing this minute
And I know you too can sense me!

Under this same house,
We live in our separate homes.
Though my essence still keeps waltzing in your rooms,
Your home is not mine!
Though your pictures smiles from my walls
My home is not yours!

My house is my home
And
Your house is your home!!!
Our barricades never touches each other

In a sad and distant way…

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

What is it with the generation gap!!!



I have heard a lot about this particular terminology, of late.... Invasion of Personal space and Domestic violence and stuff like that.... Lots of problems are starting to exist because of this, as the world is getting modernised. WHY is that? The divorce rates are increasing at an alarming rate in the India.
There are a heap of theories for that, I guess.... Once upon a time, take for instance my grandma's period, she got married at the age of 13, even before she could attain her puberty. But she was married to my grandpa for almost 50 years. She still talks so high of him, But I have never seen her talking to my grandpa in front of us. Then comes my mom, I have not seen my mom and dad fight in front of us, Not even once. Then comes me and my generation, There is not one day that goes without a fight in front of our young ones....
Now, Three different time periods, Three different life styles and Three different personal spaces. My grandma thought that talking to her husband at her house in front of her children was some kind of sin. She just gave birth to 4 kids, Don't ask me how that happened??? But What was her role in my grandpa's life? Cooking, cleaning, taking care of his parents and his children and Other house hold chores. But My grandma can sing very well and she used to teach us dancing and is an excellent cook and a wonderful Gardener. I have never seen her get any appreciation for those and she has never complained ever, till now.
Now coming to my mom, She is a doctor and has been a very dutiful wife to my dad. My dad was a doctor too. But in our clinic, she was very submissive. My Dad was known to all and most of them thought my mom was a staff nurse. Because she used to handle money and take care of prescriptions stuff like that and always let My Dad to be the main person in the clinic...She never complained about her career. She never crossed my Dad and She has been a very dutiful person taking care of him and us. But My Dad passed away when he was 42. That was the biggest blow that came on to our family. But My Mom had us to raise, as we were in the first year of college and She was so strong and brought us up. Till now, she is running the clinic... But never once thought about what she wanted...
Now coming to me, I am a doctor too... My marriage is still hard to describe in words. I had so much of expectations and nothing seemed to work. End of the day, it is just hatred and humiliation that is spread throughout. Everyone trying to out beat the other and trying to find fault with other and trying to just rip the other person out and intrude into other person privacy. But I know what I want very clearly and I have absolutely no intention of compromising at any point for anything or anyone? Is it because the world has become more competitive? Is it because wedding doesn't mean they own the other person anymore, mostly men owning the women's life?
Why is it so difficult to adjust nowadays? Has the work load for women increased? Of course!!! Yes... They have both a career and a family to run. When I go to my home town in the local train, I used to see groups of men standing and having a cup of tea and discussing politics and other stuff... But when you look at working women, Poor things, They will be running to get into the earliest train possible, so that they can go and cook and settle and sleep. Most of them buy veggies in the train and try to get it ready for the next day...
The cost of living has increased, so both husband and wife has to work. But, The wife, who was once kept locked in the kitchen, as soon as she steps out to see the world, She begins to compare her with everything. When the husband is not good enough, She knows it and Education gives her the confidence. Men can sense it, but too egoistic to accept that they don't meet the standards, most of the time. So, a sense of helplessness creeps into their brain, which later gets perverted to nonsense. The men mostly have turned very selfish and scared at the same time. They are not able to live the lives of their father and grandfather, because there is a drastic change in the women's attitude. This turns into violence against women in all sense... Previously they used to say, even if your husband kills you, he is your husband so we should not even lift a finger against him. Nowadays... Women doesn't want their marriage to become a strangling constraint, just for the sake of saving a wedding and are willing to come out and stand on their own legs...
Well... what can I say? Things have changed a lot with women. The only way to handle this is not by adjusting but to understand and accept with full heart. And Give her the support, which she deserves. Behind every successful man, there is a women and Behind every successful woman, there is definitely no man. That is the key to success so far... LOL... If it changes then Marriages might last a bit more longer...