Slipping through the time....

My job has this weird effect on me... I love my work... I can reach a person and a family at so many different levels. For all that I do, I can really make a difference in a person's life... or should I say quality of life. I love pencil sketching and I remember when I was in my 11th std., I drew a picture of my dad sitting in this easy chair with a walking stick right next to him and bald. My dad had this amazing silky soft hair which he used to handle in such a way. But I never could see him grow old... In my heart, he is still young and energetic and lovely.

In my job, I see lots of elderly patients in their late 80's and early 90's with various degrees of dementia. I find it so painful to watch them. You know what kind of image I have when I see a patient with dementia... An empty shell... Whatever we are, we have been slips away into this void and imagine not being able to recognise your own hands, your lovable partner and your children... what do you think life would be worth, if your are lost like this? Nothing, I suppose...

But each time I see them, even if it's everyday sometimes two or three times a day, I still introduce myself to them and some can talk, some have no expression and some just mumble. Each time you come close to such a patient, its the smell that makes me have this Dejavu. Its a mix of soap, powder, cornflakes with milk and pee and shit*** with strange smell of depression. It never changes from one patient to another. It catches upon me at times.

I remember one of my lovely lady, who is 91 years old, who kept crying for her father and kept saying that she has lost her dress for her prom party. Silly life, ain't it. You go through life with smile, tear, pain, surprise and various emotions and you end up getting old and whatever you have been through just disappears from your mind and you become nothing that you were... So tell me, now... Having to go through this life like this, is it worth it... Do tell me. I find that death is more inviting in this situation. What is your thought about this, my people.

Feeling bad!!!

Its been a OK day today!!! Been a bit cloudy and slightly wet. I was listening to some song as I walked down home. In the midst of my uneventful dull and dragging days, I feel more alive during this walk. Its a 20 minutes walk for me via a park, small hill, bridge, a housing block and an industrial estate. I can feel the aura around each and every part, I walk through. I brush my hands through most of the trees in reach as I walk up and down. There are a few houses with lovely gardens which are having blooming flowers and few houses with different breeds of dogs and few houses where they display a lot of stuff over the window and a few houses with children. The same with the smell, Each house emanates a different smell, which is so vivid. So I breath in each moment of my time during this walk, which get me ready for a long dull tiring day and unwinds me after I come from the work.

So, here I'm today as usual walking my way from work... I come across 3 bus stops on the way home. As I was almost reaching the last bus stop, I watched these two pigeons which were flying down to the bush near the bus stop. For some weird reason, I watched one of this birdie just fly right into the glass wall side of the bus stop, which I think is a serious judgement error. It went and hit the wall, ''PPPHHHAAATTTCCHHH''. I know it sounds silly. For some weird reason, I ran towards the bird and sat next it. I watched it shudder and slowly die right in front of my eyes. My adrenaline was still rushing and I couldn't stop shivering. I didn't know what to do, once the bird died and I just sat there for, what I think is almost 10 minutes.

Finally, I just left the pigeon there and walked past through my usual way. I felt so heavy at heart. You know when there is an incident especially bad one, you go through all the phases. It's not like I don't see death... In fact I see death every where around me. I watch people wither away right in front of my eyes. I see at least 2 to 3 patients dying everyday. I have started patients on IPOC ( Integrated pathway of care for the dying ) which technically means you stop all the treatment and investigations and just let the patient pass away as painless as possible. But as I was walking down the road today, I couldn't help wondering... ''Is my life any more worthy than this pigeon that has died''.

Sad blip of truth...

I have been living by myself for a long long long time now.... Its so wrong to say that... I do have people who care for me but what is that makes my life the way it is now, I'm asking my self. I really don't have one answer for that.... I have a complex answer where in one answer is interlaced with another.

How can I be more specific.... I've been so jealous of people who really can recite each and every details of their life. Unfortunately, I'm not one of them. I can't remember a face, a conversation or an emotion. I live my life by just passing with the wind. I sometimes go AAArrrrhhhhh..... Coz i want to be so mad but I can't remember what made me mad in the first place. It's exhausting...

I can't remember My school days, My college days, My daddy, My son, My happy time or my sad times. I live like water. I want to remember so much, but I'm not cut out for that. Why I wonder....

I understand that we all survive by remembering. But there are people like me who survive by forgetting. I seem to forget people, conversations, colours, smiles, harsh words, tears, love everything. May be this is how I'm meant to survive...

Long time no see!!!

Tis been a long time since I have logged in... But its good to be back... I am blissfully lost in my work and day in a day out, I'm running. I have not been able to find time for myself... I now am back again and need some self reflectin' time. I find writing brings out the chaos from within and makes me look at things at a different perspective.

I don't know if anyone missed me but I missed myself. SO hear I'm back to write all that goes around me and within me.

Hello world!!!

A belated Happy new year wishes from me.... Hope and pray that all goes well... Hope and pray all the wars in this world will come to an end... Hope and pray that this planet will start saving their environment... Hope and pray that We all will be able to get what we want in our lives.

தனிமை

காலை கடிகாரம் அடிக்கும் முன்பே
கண்விழிப்பு...
தூங்கியும் தூங்காத நினைவு!
படுக்கையில் கிடக்கும் நேரம்
வெறுமையின் விரல்களின் கிடுக்கிபிடி...
மூச்சு விடவே சிரமத்துடன் தொடங்கும்
என்னுடைய இன்று...

நேற்றுக்கும் என்றைக்கும்
பெரிய மாற்றம் ஒன்றும் இல்லை...
என் இன்றைக்கும் நாளைக்கும்
ஒரு வித்யாசம் இல்லை...
இயந்தரமாய் மாறிய கால்கள்
நேராக கூட்டி செல்லும் தயாராக...

உடை மாறி கடவுள் முன்
கண்மூடி நிற்கும் நேரம்
என்னை அறியாமல் இமை நனைக்கும் கண்ணீர்...
என்ன வேண்டி என் பிரார்த்தனை?
அதுவே மறந்து போய் நான்...
மனது லயித்து செய்யும் செயல்கள்
மறந்து நாட்கள் பல பல!!!

நெஞ்சின் உள்ளே ஒரு பெரிய பூட்டு
இதயம் அதனுள் மறுத்து துருவேறி போய்!!!
மிதமிஞ்சி இயங்கும் மனித அலைகளின்
மத்தியில் பாலைவன தனிமை...
எதற்காக நடக்கிறேன்?
என்ன செய்கிறேன்?
என்ன தேடுகிறேன்?
என்ற கேள்விகளின் குமுறல்கள்
அடங்கி நான்...

இந்த தனிமையின் பதில்
எப்போது கிடைக்கும்
தாயின் மடியில் கண்மூடவும்
என் மகனின் தலைமுடி கோதி உச்சி முகரவும்
கொதியாய் கொதிக்கும் மனது...
நாட்களின் இரைச்சல்களில்
ஒவ்வொரு மணித்துளியும் அடித்து கொண்டு ஓட
என்றாவது கரை ஒதுங்குவேன்
என்ற சிறிய நப்பாசையில்
இன்னும் மிதந்து கொண்டு
என் நாட்கள்...

Cold!!!

Lonely lonely me the earth,
My sun is lost somewhere afar
Sleepless nights and days of dark
Life grim as death and dull it seems.
Tell me lies and I will forget
Oh how sweet life sprung from we...
Lets make as if a dream it was;
To colour all the clouds with love.
Twinkling are the smiling stars
What do they know of hurting hearts.
A world with life of saddened forms
A misty tale of joy and love
Alas! There comes from west the wind
With news of an eclipse it seems,
Oh how stupid, so long I've been
To blindly miss the signs so clear.
The truth is in my blindspot still
That moon, she moves and thus reveal
Tis jealousy to hide my light
And leave me cold within the sould.
And now the truth too sweet to bare,
Its still around and never gone
My Sun!
My light!
Always do care...
For the love we share!

Stuck again!!!

I have been given a chance to come back to UK and try working again... I guess that is almost like a second chance for me. In fact last chance at this point of time. Happened like a miracle. But as usual the time is still up and running against me. I'm yet to get my registration and only when that comes through I can start work. So waiting... waiting... waiting.... I have been running from one part of the world to another to get a chance to come back to the same place which gave me an identification. So Here I'm currently jobless, currently penniless, currently low in morale, currently getting freezing up in the weather. How funny... with this global warming, the places are getting colder... I know the scientific reason... When your mind goes blank, You really don't go into reasons. When all the colours fade, black prevails... That is how I'm black..... inside and out...

So people who are looking forward for a Christmas and a new year are lucky. COZ i have spent my birthday alone and Diwali and Christmas and new year wouldn't make a difference. Anyone who wants to pep up my mood by saying, its just a passing phase... BACK OFF!!! I'm fuming inside... LOL... How i can cry and make a joke and laugh about my situation at the same time. Like Bernie Mac says "This is the only way I know to tackle my problems. Making a joke out of it and laughing it out"... More like our "Thunbam varungal naguga" in Tamil... Somehow can't bring to put it in practice.

ANYWAYS HAPPY CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR TO ALL!!!

My world of uncertainites!!!

Its been a while since my last post... Don't even ask me what I have been through in this past few months! Life has been adventurous and demanding and depressing and frustrating all at once. If there is one place where I can find a solution, I swear i will give my hand and feet to get there.

The paths I have crossed is unbelievable and the days are running. I don't seem to have any grip over any matter. Well I feel as low as I can ever be... Hope fully I will post a blog in a bit more cheerful mood, soon.

எதற்காக?

தாயின் வயிற்றில் கருவுற்ற
நாள் முதல் ஓட்டம்!
நேரத்துடன் போட்டி...
கடுகளவில் தொடங்கி
கையும் காலும் முளைத்து வளர்ச்சி...
பத்து மாதம் போக
வெளிஉலகம் தொட்ட நேரம் தொடங்கி...
வயிற்று பசி...
வளர பசி...
உயிர்வாழ பசி...

புத்தி தெளிய தெளிய
எல்லாம் கற்க வெறி!
அன்னையும் தந்தையும் அரவணைக்க
எல்லார் முன்னிலும் விருட்சமாய் வளர
கல்வி பசி...
கண் விழித்து... போட்டி இட்டு...
தேர்வுகளின் பிடிகளில் சிக்கி
ஒரு போராட்டம்...
படிப்பும் முடித்து
வேலைக்கான அலைச்சல்...
மீண்டும் ஓட்டம்...

வேலையும் கிடைக்க
வாழ்வில் மீண்டும் பசி
இன்னொரு துணை தேடி...
புணர பசி...
இன்னொரு ஜீவனை படைக்க பசி...
நாட்கள் ஓட ஓட
உடலும் சோர்ந்து கடமைகள் அழுத்த
இன்னும் வேண்டும் வேண்டும்
என்று பட்டியல் நீள
திரும்பி வந்த பாதை நோக்க
நாட்கள் உருண்டு கரைந்து!!!

எல்லாம் கிடைக்க
இன்னும் ஓட்டம்
இத்தனை நாள் சுமந்தது எல்லாம்
சட்டென்று ஓர் நாள் மறைந்து போக
நிதர்சனம் நான் தான் என்று விளக்கும்
இறப்பு!!!
எதை நோக்கி இந்த ஓட்டங்கள்,
இந்த கண்ணீர், இந்த ஆனந்தம்
என்ன தான் பொருள்?

எதற்கு வந்தோம்...
என்ன சாதித்தோம்...
எங்கு போகிறோம்...
விடை தெரியாத கேள்விகள்
செத்த பின் சொர்க்கமா நரகமா...
எந்த கடவுளை பின்பற்றினால்
சொர்க்கம் நிச்சயம் என்ற போட்டிகளின் மத்தியில்...
ஒன்று மட்டும் நிஜம்
பிறப்பை கணிக்க தெரியாது போனாலும்
எல்லோரும் இறப்பது மட்டும் நிஜம்
என்ற உண்மை மெல்ல தெளியும்...