Hidden tears!!!

You know my being has always been a struggle…
Struggle to live, to breath, to be happy
However tough this struggle gets,
I’m undisturbed coz my heart is away

The bliss which reminds of those moments
The scents which reminds of you
The touches which reminds me of our nights
Now keeps coiling down into a shell!

Here I am… trying to leave a rock on that shell
Just to make sure, I don’t hear the screams of memory
Now and then, the rock does gets moved with the intensity of thought
And at that moment, I am surrounded by it…

A faint trace of tear on the cheek
A faint whiff of that stolen kiss
A bruise from your love
Keeps flicking at the back of my mind!

Night after night, I was just next to you
Watching you sleep and roll
And let you encroach my being
Here I am now barren…
From your thoughts, your touches and your love!

With the stream of time
Your thoughts, your smile and your face slips from mind
Here I fight to retain every drop of it
Though I look for your face, I hardly see it…

Still, those eyes glow in my dreams
How should I repay your love?
May be will die a million times, so I can keep seeing you
May be will give birth to you in all my lives I live…

But before I die, would love to see those eyes
May be when that day comes, we might be strangers
But with each beat of my heart, I will think of your eyes
But time has turned us into victims of circumstances!

Hope I get to prove my love, somewhere sometime when we meet
I will try to remember you again and again in all my lives
Even my tears would have shined happily
If, it had fallen at least near you
Till then my love, I will wait!

Alms!!!

I recently had the pleasure of visiting Mantralayam ( Shri Ragavendra Swamigal ) near Andrapradesh and Karnataka border. A whole crew was traveling with me, including my mom, my son mrithun, my brother’s daughter Teju and a few more family friends. Journey was hectic, coz… Oh stop! If I start explaining about my journey that is gonna be a separate story. SO let me put a full stop to that and talk about what I wanted to say.

I am told and I too realized that giving alms to young children is a way of creating antisocial behavior. So I generally don’t give money, instead I give food and stuff.

That evening was so pleasant. We went to the temple and then went to Thungabathra River and lived inside the water like amphibians for more than 2 hours. I was so happy floating in the water with my son and my niece. I was filled with shrieks of laughter of both the small ones. Finally had to drag both of them out by force and started walking back to the lodge, as it was getting dark.

As we were walking inside the premises of the temple, there was a multitude of beggars. Some were physically challenged, some elderly people, some mothers with infants and a lot of children. I was walking with my son who yapping his heart out. I felt so proud.

As I was nearing the gate of the temple, There was this small boy almost my son’s age, but a little short stature, who came running towards me and started saying,” Amma! Amma! Romba pasikudumma! (Mother! I am very hungry). He had this sad tone, and I was trying not to listen to him and tried to brush him off.

My son stopped talking and started looking at him. This small fellow now started tugging my duppatta and he went on repeating the same thing. He was such a thin boy with big and bright eyes. For one crazy second, everything froze and I looked at both the boys on either side of me.

There was my son, who was dressed up neat and happy and secure with me and getting all his commands met some way or the other and there was this boy, who might be an orphan or might be having irresponsible abusive parents, or might be in the hands of the wrong sort of crowd. I was pretty sure he was not having three meals a day and nothing to wear, no security, no education and no future. He might turn into one of those druggies whom we meet in our day to day life and turn antisocial himself. The chances of a better future for him were so bleak.

Though I have always tried not to take notice of such things, what I call as “cruelty of fate?” I could not walk out on this boy. The harsh reality of life sort of slapped me on the face and all I could feel was this heavy sort of weight on my chest and could feel my eyes getting misty. I did not know what to do? I panicked and I wanted out of that situation. All that I could do was reach for the purse and grab the note; I could get hold of and gave it to him. I don’t even know whether it was a 50 or a 100 rupee bill. The minute I gave him the money, he scooted and there I held my son closer and watched him run away.

I was kinda confused at that instance at my own emotions. I was relieved that he went off happily and was also sad that I let go of him.

All I could do now is curse my self for the inability to get involved beyond that point. I still wonder if he was at least able to quench his hunger for one session. I wish and I hope so!!! I still keep telling myself that there was nothing much I could have done at that moment, though I don’t want to believe that!!!

shattered glass!

Life…
It’s not going to get over in a minute or a day
As the screen keep changing, people keep change too
None of today’s pain or tears can be shed tomorrow
It is always gone…
No matter how many million drops of tear is shed
The life always start with a bright sunshine

Right from the time we leave the door of womb
The search for door has never seized!
Behind each door lie a million stories
Each page filled with tear, love, happiness, vengeance, hurt, victory, loss, ache,
But
When the final door is all left, nothing matters!

Born in the war zone
Armed to go on fight against time all the time,
None of what enters or leaves matter anymore
When the life freezes in eternity,
You will learn
Prick of a thorn is not the death of soul!

When your path is darkened,
Even your shadow will leave your side.
May be then you will realize
You will be your only soul mate…
This loneliness will not leave you
Till you turn to ash!

When you know the game
You can rest in the petals of the truth
And then you can fight against the darkest of all
May be then you will learn the eternal truth
Nothing is constant and your mist will disappear
Then heart will keep walking back and forth in the mirage
May be in hope to find God there!

The fight for survival will tell you what is all yours!
That is just the calculation of heart!
The fight for passion will tell you who mates who
That is just the calculation of the body!
You will come to know nothing is going to be yours or mine
Whoever created it will take it in the end
If so…
What is good and what is bad
World might have its own rules
No matter how you search you are in vain
Because you will never find that drop in this ocean!

You will be a mere witness of all this cosmic joke
You will have to perform it till the very end!
You can never quit!
May be this charade will need lots of masks, lots of faces
Be ready to wear them!
May be will find the plot with twists and path with bends
Be ready to change your direction!
Be ready to end the story how ever it goes!
But
Will you still need another life?

Amazed!!!

I was never into philosophical books. Though interested in listening, never had the patience to sit with a book in hand. At this crossroad of my life, I have not much choices of entertaining myself. So books are keeping me with company and I am grabbing everything, i can lay my fingers on.

In such an effort, I got hold of this book from my colleague Dr. Devi, whom I had pestered for books ( light reading only). She said this was the only book she thought would be light. Imagine!!! I never had any idea about Bhagwan Rajneesh or his work. This now might sound crazy, I was actually following whatever he was talking about. I was stupefied with the mysterious attitude and his concepts and his explanations. What really took me by surprise, is his simplification of everything...

This book was based on Zen stories and it is called " NO WATER, NO MOON". It was written in 1974!!! Long before I was born. The prelogue says that, " This book is precious. It is a treasure. It is a gift from the existence to you, calling you to come back home". Kinda weird, ain't it. But that is exactly how I felt, when I finished the last page.

He speaks of love, sex, relationship, birth, religions, rituals, character, fanaticism, death etc from a completely different angle. He brings a different concept to everything. It sort of strikes off everything I ever knew of, every thing I thought was right and every idea I had... I felt washed out...

I will try and just sprinkle a few things that impressed me in the coming blogs. I am in the move to read more of them. Will SHARE IT WITH YOU SOON!!!

Its going to be from now on!

Life has been okay... so far so good... Right now I am in a crossroad, as I told you guys before.

New place, New job, New language, New friends and a new beginning...

So life is going on as if a fresh page has been opened and it always has its surprise...

IT will pretty much be the same incidences stage played in a different setup, with different people and different audiences with the same dialogues in a different dialect

But it is going on fine!!! I should say...