கோபம்!!!

என் நாட்களின் முடிவுகளில்
மனசின் இருட்டு பிரதேசத்தில்
எஞ்சி தொக்கி நிற்பது
கோபமும் விரத்தியும் சோர்வும்
என் உணர்வுகளுக்கு காரணம் உண்டா?
தெரியவில்லை!!!
என் முயற்சிகளின் முடிவில்
புதை சேற்றில் சிக்கியது போல
மூச்சி விட முடியாது
நெஞ்சை அழுத்தும்
என் கோபம்...
எதை நினைத்து என் வெறி?
என் வாழ்கை பாதையின் நீளம் கண்டா?
எடுக்க வேண்டிய முடிவுகளை கண்டா?
என் தனிமையை கண்டா?
குழப்ப கூடுகளின் தாக்கம் கண்டா?
என் கடமைகளை கண்டா?
என் சரிகளும் தப்புகளும் தர்க்கம் கண்டா?
எது எப்படியோ...
என் கோபம் மட்டும்
கொழுந்து விட்டு
கனன்று கொண்டே....
இரைச்சலோடு கத்த தோன்றும்!!
கை வலிக்கும் வரை அடிக்க தோன்றும்!!!
நெஞ்சு அணையும் வரை அழ தோன்றும்!!!
எல்லாம் அடங்கி வெறுமை பரவும்!!!
என் கோபங்களுக்கு அர்த்தம் உண்டோ?
இருக்கலாம்...
என் கோபங்களை சொல்லி அழ தோள் வேண்டுமோ?
வேண்டாம்...
என் கோபங்கள் மறைந்து போகுமோ?
போனாலும் போகலாம்...
என்னதான் என் பிரட்சனை?
குழப்ப சிடுக்கின் உள்ளில் அமர்ந்து
கோபக்னியில் உழன்று உழன்று
எதை தேடி தான் என் ஆவேசம்...
என்னை புரிந்து
என் கோபம் தணிக்க
ஒன்றுமே இல்லாத
வேற்று பிரதேசம்!!!
மெல்ல தெளியும் நிமிடம்
ஒன்று புரிகிறது....
இன்றைய என் பொழுதில்
என் கோபம் மட்டுமே
உயிர் ஒன்று உண்டு
என்னுள் என்று
உணர்த்திக்கொண்டு...

What Am I Supposed To Do???

I would love you all to have a glimpse of my life... I am a bundle of everything. Whatever you can quote with a bundle of, would be me. A bundle of joy, A bundle of nerves, A bundle of crap, A bundle of hope, A bundle of tears... The thing is I really don't have a clue about anything in my life.

I get astonished by people who have a clear insight about their life and their aims in life. It is a talent, you know. I have always felt like swept in a mad current of events, all my life. It might sound stupid... But I have to tell you, It's depressing to me. I know anyone else in my shoes, would have handled my life better. They would have planned things, had a vision about future, had a far sight of things and anticipate and work out. I would love to be such a person. But unfortunately, I am nowhere near it... I am all the opposites.

Now, You might think what is wrong in that? What is so bad about it? Trust me... I am talking about exhaustion, frustration, inbuilt anger which is turning into a rage... I am always in the start of the race. Have you seen this movie " Ground hog day"? That is how I feel my life is... I always come back to square one after been beaten by all possible snakes and stumbling down all possible ladders.

I was never a responsible person. I am scared about my responsibilities. I am scared now so much because I have to sort out my son's life. I am in the middle of nowhere, you know. I am still in the search of what I am looking for.

In spite of all of my life being in bits and pieces, I some how keep walking. I am now torn between responsibility and fear. I want to donate my kidney to my maternal uncle, whom I love so much. But I have a bad family history of Diabetes and Hypertension and I am in the middle of sorting out my career. If I go ahead with the surgery, There is a high chance of falling out on my career and may be never achieve what I wanted to do and settle down for a mediocre life. And on top of it, If I develop any complication, I am going to leave behind my son with nothing to hope for. But I want to help my uncle as well, so badly.

What am I supposed to do now? I hate to make decisions and I hate the way my life goes on. It is sick and I am tired of fighting life. Sometimes I just want to curl up and give up... But it's my son's face which keeps me going on...

So if there are any wise brains out there, who can really spare a second to go through this blog, Your opinion is highly appreciated. Please think for me... COZ my neurons have died a long time back with the stress I had, have and having...

A Big Leap!!!

When darkness calls,
When night gets cold,
No one to call...
No hands to hold...
You doubt a while
And smile so right!!
For You do know,
I am not so far...
I will reach for you!!!
And touch your heart!!!
Whether near
Whether far
A love so rare...
That's what we share!
A day will come,
Might not take long...
Where you be mine
And
Doubts will drown...
Where lonely nights will turn to dreams!
You'll wake up wrapped in those strong hands
That keeps you warm
Till day light comes...
That will be from...
From me to you!
For you are the one who
Rescued me
From my depths of desperation!!!

மூழ்கி போய்!!!

பிண்ணி பிணைந்து
குழப்ப சிக்கலாகி போனேன்...
உன்னால்
வண்ண குழும்பின் உள்!!!
சப்த இரைச்சல்கள் மேல்!!!
இப்போதோ
எண்ணங்களின் கூட்டில்
ஓசை இல்லாத பரந்த நிசப்தம்...
மிதந்து கொண்டே இருக்கிறேன்
வெளிச்சத்தின் வெப்பத்தில்...
உண்மைகளின் வேகம் தாக்கும் இங்கே
ஆன்மாக்களின் கூக்குரல் கேக்கும்
இன்பத்தின் உச்சமும் நிற்கும் எதிரே!
உயிரை சுற்றி
வட்ட வட்ட நீர் திவலைகள் போல
பந்தங்கள்!
அடுத்தடுத்து உருவாகி
வளர வளர
தூர தூரமாய் பிரிவோம்...
கடந்த காலங்களின் கைப்பு
நிமிட நேர கண்ணீர் துளி
கோபத்தில் கொட்டிய வார்த்தை சவுக்குகள்
எதிர் காலத்தை நோக்கிய பார்வை
எல்லாம் மாற்றும்
இதயத்தின் வடிவை!!!
சதுரமா ?
வட்டமா ?
இல்லை
வெறும் சதை தானா ?
மூச்சி நிற்கும் வரை
போராட்டம் தான்
வெறுமையின் விளிம்பில்
இருப்பினும்
என் நாளை
மாறலாம்!!!
எனக்கு கிடைக்காத நாளை
என் உயிருக்கு
நான் தர எண்ணி
குழப்ப கூட்டில்
மூழ்கி மூழ்கி
என் தினங்களில்
மிதக்கிறேன்...

Stranger in me!!!

What is that which makes us feel alive or dead inside? Do you all have same questions like I do? If so, have you ever stumbled upon the answers. I feel lonely with my questions. Mind it!!! Lonely, not Depressed or not Sad or not Confused.

Sometimes in the night, I sit down outside of my clinic, and look up at the billions and billions of stars that are looking at me. A million things buzz through my mind... A million faces... A million moments... A million noises... A million tears... A million pain... I get so lost in the time and feel so frozen in that moment. I sometimes don't know If I am in the past or present or future...

As I keep asking questions, Each of them mutate and I feel my past sprout out into the present and the present merge into the future. My future really holds up in vanity. Its overwhelming and compressing. But I tell myself that " I should keep living, because If I stop now, I will vanish".

I have been to looking at the same moon where ever i go. I sometimes feel that my world is buried under this earth. I know it sounds even crazy for me. But that is how I feel. Like Two halves cut inside me and kept far apart. One part lives in this world where people work, eat, sleep, shit and die. Where people worry about a house which is made of bricks and cement, which might crumble! Where people worry about money which is just paper as in toilet paper! Where everything is just a mask. I try to level myself up and try to say that this is the Race I am supposed to join and win. But it feels so Superfluous to me!

I believe that there are loads of things which might be of importance but I lack a drive to achieve them, which might make me a loser in the eyes of the world. I don't care about these things anymore. You know that you are always told about what is right and what is wrong? But what about the creatures who lives on the thin fragile line that lies between right and wrong, good and bad, beauty and ugly... so on?

Sometimes I feel fear... I feel it at such close proximity that I can almost smell it. There was a time, when I was so secure and now it has all washed away. Now even the most familiar steps cast shadows and Its my fear which stops me from climbing it. Then I feel my heart sicken and hear me ask myself " WILL YOU EVER BE HER AGAIN ?".

I have to tell you, I feel like a new person and the old one is gone. Sometimes I feel its my fear and loss that has changed into this new being. For " ONLY BRAVE WARRIORS FALL FROM THEIR HORSES IN BATTLE. HOW CAN A KNEELING COWARD EVER KNOW WHAT A FALL IS?" So I have come to realise that there is no going back to the other person, I once was and that other place. This thing, this stranger, SHE IS ALL I AM NOW.

What do we do?

If you wake up

Afraid and weak..

Don't let go!

So to speak

Sorrow you...

Sorrow me...

Shall we rise ?

or Shall we fall ?

Up to us, coz we decide...

Tell me why

Should we cry ?

Don't you think

Time to change things around

While we still can...

For regrets do strike

When time gone by...

That's the end

But we are not that thick, you see

To try and avoid this...

A dream come true

By me and you!!!

Might not be a heaven

But sure not hell

Just keep the faith

Life is so great

So perfect in its way

Together like steel..

Cry no more, no more...

I plea

Worth speaking what we feel

Its April 3rd again!!!

Its another Third of April!!! You know what I do when I buy a New calender... I, tear of the Third of April page or just smudge it with a marker pen, till I can't see the number in it... My father, My lovely, dear, smart, caring, intelligent, down to earth, gentle, magnanimous guy in his attitude and behaviour, compassionate towards fellow people, always knew what to do, most strongest person in heart I ever knew left me and whole of my family, this day.

I can't bare to look at my Mom on this day especially!!! She is much more stronger than she looks. But the amount of hardship she had to endure and she is still going through is enormous. She lived all her life right next to my Dad, you see... They used to leave for clinic together, work together, eat together and Trust me, I have never seen them even raise their voice in front of us!!! She was the only one next to my Dad, when he passed away... She witnessed the whole event... She watched my Dad die, right in front of her eyes...

I have witnessed her getting up night after night and just sit the whole night in front of the TV and I have seen tears rolling down her cheek silently, through my semi closed eyes. I was out of words to comfort her... I knew she was distressed, But as a grown up woman now I understand the full meaning of staying alone and toil without anyone to lean on too!!!

I miss my Dad so much and so does each and every one of m y family... Its been more than 10 years now, since we lost him. I know as a family we are suffering... But I have seen patients come with garlands and stay in front of his photo and cry even today. He has left such an impact on everyone he ever met. I can say, every wife will be happy if you get a husband like my Daddy.

He was a wonderful cook. I still remember the way he makes Omelette's and french toast. I still close my eyes and hear him humming in the bathroom. He used to get severe leg cramps, I used to press his legs. There was this afternoon, when He had a bad cramp and I started pressing his legs and he dozed off. He slept so peacefully, I didn't want to stop massaging his legs. He got up like an hour later and was startled to see me still pressing his legs. He just hugged me and couldn't speak with his tear glistened eyes. Oh GOD!!!

Have you ever felt the way I feel? I want to remember every thing, at the same time, I want to forget everything.... He was such a funny person.... There used to be lots of Power cuts in my town! Honestly I will long for those... He used to teach us how to make shadow images and say horror stories, which we ( Myself with my brothers and cousin sisters ) enact later on.

I still hear the way he calls me. Even feel his smell around me. I am so angry that he had left us. I am so sad and I am just angry because I couldn't help him. I never could buy him the huge telescope he always wanted to buy and watch the stars at night. He never bought anything for himself. I always thought when I start earning, I will first buy him whatever he wanted. He never even bothered to buy new shirts for him. My Athai always bought him new shirt on his Birthday, which is on the 24th of April. It was like a ritual for her... I don't remember her missing even one.

Do you know, My Grandma, Thangamma, she died on my Dad's Birthday. She is such a strong women herself. She managed to bring up 5 kids to such levels, without any educational background and with a husband who had bad drinking habits. She made 3 of them Doctors, 1 is now Principal for Fine arts and sculpture and the last one as Minister in the Tamilnadu Legislative Assembly. She was so hard on us too. We used to hate her, because she used to scold and hit us. But she was good at heart...

So with my closets full of skeletons... I still manage to smile. I sometimes wonder how... All I keep doing every day is to ask for forgiveness and just say the same thing a million times... I LOVE YOU SO MUCH DADDY! WE ALL MISS YOU!!! LIFE HAS NEVER BEEN THE SAME SINCE YOU LEFT US... EACH OF US THINK OF YOU EVERY DAY...

YOU WERE THE BEST THING THAT HAPPENED IN MY LIFE!!!

Struggling for Perfection!!!

Millions of women all over the world, including me, are always unhappy most of the time about the way we look. No matter how pretty a girl is, I can bet a 100 quid, that she is insecure about something regarding her appearance. It might be her skin, her teeth, her nose, her smile, her hip or her butt... But mostly its the problem with the weight which causes all the women go bonkers!!!

There is this age old saying, " Beauty is just skin deep"... Isn't it? Then why is weight loss seems to be the biggest buzz word around Beauty care industry ... So many websites, products, workouts, package deals, get slim quick scams...

But since, I am here in Seychelles, MY physical exertion has really gone next to nothing... I do long for a hip that is a cross between Simran and Shakira with a butt like Jennifer lopez and a skin as smooth and flawless as Queen latifah... As if... But I am addicted to sugar so badly... I cant even eat a paper with sugar written on it. And believe me, Thanks to all the Cadburys and Mars and Snickers with Cheese crackers, My backside is getting as big as Brazil and my skin is now in such a mess... I thought as a big girl now, I should take control of my eating habits. I wish my weight is just half of what it is right now...

So I kept a two weeks time limit and wanted to watch out how MY Weight was doing in this time. I hate to wake up early... I am an ardent member of that group in Orkut, if you don't trust me. SO for the past 2 weeks, I have been pushing myself to wake up at 5.30 in the morning and do walking. Climbing up and down the mountains half asleep is not my cuppa tea.... But I really did it. And don't forget about all the time i was just drooling over the chocolate sections in the mall, and all the time i had to sacrifice the juicy curry and stick to stupid sandwiches and the painful crunches and all the times i was sweating like a pig over the aerobics.

After two weeks of painful weeks, I have lost half a kilo... Thanks god, I am saved. LOL... I am going to be skinny in another 3 years time... Well who am I kidding, I am never going to be thin, I am big boned... OR should I am say like Obelix " I am well covered "... Anyways tasting the first bite of chocolate after two weeks was a moment of epiphany. I was literally crying with tears of Ecstasy.... LOL

So there went my plans of becoming a super thin femme fatale down the drain. But I have started eating healthy and doing exercises, Owing to my wonderful GENE POOL... Hypertension, Diabetes, Cardiovascular diseases, Neurovascular diseases, Cancer and Obesity, you name it, I have it in my family... SO Just want to stay healthy for a few more years. What can I say, " I JUST CAN'T AFFORD TO GET SICK? ". You think i am going nuts now, Well that is what we call as Sugar cravings... Time for some more Chocolates. NAH..... I will stick to some Green tea this time. Green tea is supposed to take care of the wobbly bits and pieces stacked with cellulite, because of the antioxidant property, I am told!

SO I am still in the process.... IF I lose 10 kgs of weight, I swear i will put a big picture of myself saying BEFORE and AFTER and probably write a book saying, " Fighting through the hard times" and make a tearful speech even in the TV, saying How I Overcame my weights? Like all the ones we see. Who knows I might be a celebrity one day...

ஏனோ?

என் அன்பு தந்தையே!
வாழ்வின் பொருள் இன்னதென்று
தெரியாது இன்னும்
விளிம்புகளில் தொங்கிக்கொண்டு நான்!
நாட்கள் போக போக
ஏன் காலசுவட்டின் பக்கங்கள்
கருகி போய் இருட்டின் ஓரத்தில்
இன்னும் தொக்கி போய் நான்!

என் இந்த நெளியும் நாட்களில்
நீள்வட்டமாய் என் பிம்பம்
எனக்கே அடையாளம் தெரியாது...

திரும்ப திரும்ப கேட்கிறேன் என்னையே
என் பிறப்பின் அர்த்தங்களை!
இல்லாத பொருளை, தொலைத்தாய் எண்ணி
தேடும் கரைசலாய் நான்!

எத்தனை முயன்றும் முழுதாய்
சிரிக்கும் சிரிப்பை உங்களுடன் புதைத்து விட்டு
மறையும் ஒரு ஒரு பகலும் காத்து நிற்கிறேன்!

மனதின் ஆழத்தில் இருந்தாலும்
அரித்து அரித்து போய்கொண்டேயிருக்கும்
நினைவுகளை கண்டு செய்வதறியாது
பதறி போய் நான்!

என்ன சமாதானம் சொல்லியும்
என் நேரம் விழுங்கிகொண்டே இருக்கின்றது
உங்களை பிரிந்த வேதனை!
அலையடிக்கும் மணலாய்
திசைதோறும் போகும்
என்னோடு நீங்களாவது இருந்திருக்கலாம்...
ஒண்ட இடமில்லாது ஓடும்
இந்த பரதேசி வாழ்வில்
சிறிதேனும் சந்தோஷம் இருந்திருக்கக்கூடும்!

அதை விடவும் மேல் நீங்கள் இருந்து
நான் போயிருந்தால்!!!
நினைவுகளும் என் சமாதியில்
ஏகாந்தம் தந்திருக்கும் இந்நேரம்
நான் என்பதை கரைத்து கரைந்து...
ஏனோ
என் மனதிற்கு தெரியும்
வெகு தூரம் இல்லை!!!
காண்போம் மறுபடி என் தந்தையே...
விடியும் என் ஒவ்வொரு நாளும் காத்து தான் நிற்கிறேன்!!!

My days in Praslin!!!

You all know, I am in Seychelles now. I should admit that I have never been to such a beautiful place, in my whole life. Whichever side you turn, you end up watching either mountains abundant in rich trees and the most beautiful beaches you could ever lay your eyes on!

The flat I stay in Mahe is on a hill top called Le Niol overlooking the beach and its so calm and quiet. I'm off on Sundays and believe me or not, I just sit in front of the window and watch the sea, unaware of the time flying past. I never knew the sea changes colours and Even if I can present what i see in a picture or by a splash of colours or by a thousand words, I'm cent percent sure that I will not do justice to the scenic beauty of mother nature.

But just for the record, As the day dawns the sea is kinda bluish gray and with the sun come up it turns into mossy green to blue. In the afternoon the water becomes so clear its turquoise blue and peacock green in patches with the reefs and during the evening, with the sun set it rapidly changes to organ and red and maroon and dark with all the yachts and ships glimmering like glow worms.

I had the pleasure of visiting a nearby island Praslin ( the first pic in this ), Where I'm going to be settled after April. Travel is via a boat or a plane. I am admitting for the first time that I have a bad case of motion sickness. I get sick even if i travel in train which goes faster than like a 80 km/hr. I am that bad. Guess what I would have become with the sea. I was travelling on a full moon day. TRUST ME! The high tide was making me go so woozy. But I have never been in deep sea during sun rise and sunset. In spite of my sickness, I was amazed by the sea. The whole scene was so magical, I should accept. I just was not in better position to enjoy it. May be the next time...

Praslin is much more serene. It has so many lovely beaches and there is one more thing about Praslin, This being not only the second biggest island next to Mahe, It has a special kind of coconut called, " COCO DE MER" ( last pic ). Its the weirdest kind of stuff, I have seen. It resembles like a female private parts you see and the male tree has something like a male Private part. But No One is interested in the male,you see, as its obviously not a pretty site... lol..... Anyways this place has more untouched beaches and waterfalls, Natural parks and coral reefs and stuff.

I happened to work there for a week and I didn't have Internet or TV or noisy traffic. It was toooooooooo quite. I suddenly realised how gadgets and electronic stuffs has filled my whole life. I was not sure of how to entertain myself and kill my time without these.

There is this Jetty (Small Port) and a very small beach in front of Baie st. Anne ( the second and third and fourth pics ) where i lived. I just go there in the evening with bread slices and sit and watch the sea and the reef below and feed the fishes. All coloured and shaped fishes.... Its beautiful. I wish I have my son with me to enjoy this with me. It became a routine now. People are friendly and I enjoyed working there.

It's actually a shame to admit that I don't know to swim and too shy to learn it now. Anyways will try and learn it soon, coz I know its once in a life time opportunity to do snorkeling and scuba diving.

So, If you guys have a list of places you want to visit in your lifetime, Note down Seychelles on the list. So till I catch up with you all, I bid you all ''BON SWAI" which is good night in creole...