Hidden tears!!!

You know my being has always been a struggle…
Struggle to live, to breath, to be happy
However tough this struggle gets,
I’m undisturbed coz my heart is away

The bliss which reminds of those moments
The scents which reminds of you
The touches which reminds me of our nights
Now keeps coiling down into a shell!

Here I am… trying to leave a rock on that shell
Just to make sure, I don’t hear the screams of memory
Now and then, the rock does gets moved with the intensity of thought
And at that moment, I am surrounded by it…

A faint trace of tear on the cheek
A faint whiff of that stolen kiss
A bruise from your love
Keeps flicking at the back of my mind!

Night after night, I was just next to you
Watching you sleep and roll
And let you encroach my being
Here I am now barren…
From your thoughts, your touches and your love!

With the stream of time
Your thoughts, your smile and your face slips from mind
Here I fight to retain every drop of it
Though I look for your face, I hardly see it…

Still, those eyes glow in my dreams
How should I repay your love?
May be will die a million times, so I can keep seeing you
May be will give birth to you in all my lives I live…

But before I die, would love to see those eyes
May be when that day comes, we might be strangers
But with each beat of my heart, I will think of your eyes
But time has turned us into victims of circumstances!

Hope I get to prove my love, somewhere sometime when we meet
I will try to remember you again and again in all my lives
Even my tears would have shined happily
If, it had fallen at least near you
Till then my love, I will wait!

Alms!!!

I recently had the pleasure of visiting Mantralayam ( Shri Ragavendra Swamigal ) near Andrapradesh and Karnataka border. A whole crew was traveling with me, including my mom, my son mrithun, my brother’s daughter Teju and a few more family friends. Journey was hectic, coz… Oh stop! If I start explaining about my journey that is gonna be a separate story. SO let me put a full stop to that and talk about what I wanted to say.

I am told and I too realized that giving alms to young children is a way of creating antisocial behavior. So I generally don’t give money, instead I give food and stuff.

That evening was so pleasant. We went to the temple and then went to Thungabathra River and lived inside the water like amphibians for more than 2 hours. I was so happy floating in the water with my son and my niece. I was filled with shrieks of laughter of both the small ones. Finally had to drag both of them out by force and started walking back to the lodge, as it was getting dark.

As we were walking inside the premises of the temple, there was a multitude of beggars. Some were physically challenged, some elderly people, some mothers with infants and a lot of children. I was walking with my son who yapping his heart out. I felt so proud.

As I was nearing the gate of the temple, There was this small boy almost my son’s age, but a little short stature, who came running towards me and started saying,” Amma! Amma! Romba pasikudumma! (Mother! I am very hungry). He had this sad tone, and I was trying not to listen to him and tried to brush him off.

My son stopped talking and started looking at him. This small fellow now started tugging my duppatta and he went on repeating the same thing. He was such a thin boy with big and bright eyes. For one crazy second, everything froze and I looked at both the boys on either side of me.

There was my son, who was dressed up neat and happy and secure with me and getting all his commands met some way or the other and there was this boy, who might be an orphan or might be having irresponsible abusive parents, or might be in the hands of the wrong sort of crowd. I was pretty sure he was not having three meals a day and nothing to wear, no security, no education and no future. He might turn into one of those druggies whom we meet in our day to day life and turn antisocial himself. The chances of a better future for him were so bleak.

Though I have always tried not to take notice of such things, what I call as “cruelty of fate?” I could not walk out on this boy. The harsh reality of life sort of slapped me on the face and all I could feel was this heavy sort of weight on my chest and could feel my eyes getting misty. I did not know what to do? I panicked and I wanted out of that situation. All that I could do was reach for the purse and grab the note; I could get hold of and gave it to him. I don’t even know whether it was a 50 or a 100 rupee bill. The minute I gave him the money, he scooted and there I held my son closer and watched him run away.

I was kinda confused at that instance at my own emotions. I was relieved that he went off happily and was also sad that I let go of him.

All I could do now is curse my self for the inability to get involved beyond that point. I still wonder if he was at least able to quench his hunger for one session. I wish and I hope so!!! I still keep telling myself that there was nothing much I could have done at that moment, though I don’t want to believe that!!!

shattered glass!

Life…
It’s not going to get over in a minute or a day
As the screen keep changing, people keep change too
None of today’s pain or tears can be shed tomorrow
It is always gone…
No matter how many million drops of tear is shed
The life always start with a bright sunshine

Right from the time we leave the door of womb
The search for door has never seized!
Behind each door lie a million stories
Each page filled with tear, love, happiness, vengeance, hurt, victory, loss, ache,
But
When the final door is all left, nothing matters!

Born in the war zone
Armed to go on fight against time all the time,
None of what enters or leaves matter anymore
When the life freezes in eternity,
You will learn
Prick of a thorn is not the death of soul!

When your path is darkened,
Even your shadow will leave your side.
May be then you will realize
You will be your only soul mate…
This loneliness will not leave you
Till you turn to ash!

When you know the game
You can rest in the petals of the truth
And then you can fight against the darkest of all
May be then you will learn the eternal truth
Nothing is constant and your mist will disappear
Then heart will keep walking back and forth in the mirage
May be in hope to find God there!

The fight for survival will tell you what is all yours!
That is just the calculation of heart!
The fight for passion will tell you who mates who
That is just the calculation of the body!
You will come to know nothing is going to be yours or mine
Whoever created it will take it in the end
If so…
What is good and what is bad
World might have its own rules
No matter how you search you are in vain
Because you will never find that drop in this ocean!

You will be a mere witness of all this cosmic joke
You will have to perform it till the very end!
You can never quit!
May be this charade will need lots of masks, lots of faces
Be ready to wear them!
May be will find the plot with twists and path with bends
Be ready to change your direction!
Be ready to end the story how ever it goes!
But
Will you still need another life?

Amazed!!!

I was never into philosophical books. Though interested in listening, never had the patience to sit with a book in hand. At this crossroad of my life, I have not much choices of entertaining myself. So books are keeping me with company and I am grabbing everything, i can lay my fingers on.

In such an effort, I got hold of this book from my colleague Dr. Devi, whom I had pestered for books ( light reading only). She said this was the only book she thought would be light. Imagine!!! I never had any idea about Bhagwan Rajneesh or his work. This now might sound crazy, I was actually following whatever he was talking about. I was stupefied with the mysterious attitude and his concepts and his explanations. What really took me by surprise, is his simplification of everything...

This book was based on Zen stories and it is called " NO WATER, NO MOON". It was written in 1974!!! Long before I was born. The prelogue says that, " This book is precious. It is a treasure. It is a gift from the existence to you, calling you to come back home". Kinda weird, ain't it. But that is exactly how I felt, when I finished the last page.

He speaks of love, sex, relationship, birth, religions, rituals, character, fanaticism, death etc from a completely different angle. He brings a different concept to everything. It sort of strikes off everything I ever knew of, every thing I thought was right and every idea I had... I felt washed out...

I will try and just sprinkle a few things that impressed me in the coming blogs. I am in the move to read more of them. Will SHARE IT WITH YOU SOON!!!

Its going to be from now on!

Life has been okay... so far so good... Right now I am in a crossroad, as I told you guys before.

New place, New job, New language, New friends and a new beginning...

So life is going on as if a fresh page has been opened and it always has its surprise...

IT will pretty much be the same incidences stage played in a different setup, with different people and different audiences with the same dialogues in a different dialect

But it is going on fine!!! I should say...

It's been a while!

I have been so stuck with my usual world, that I was finding it absolutely impossible to come online. Life has always been so ironically kind to me!!! I have some sort of cosmic reset button, which brings me back to square one, all the time. I am in such a phase right now. I am just thinking of where to pick up my pieces and how to move about. In the midst of my entertaining life, I have absolutely no time to even relax a bit. Let me settle down and I will be back with more zeal and energy. Till then, just wait for me. Won't you?

எனக்கு பிடித்த 50!!!

1. இரவு முழுவதும் வராமல் முரண்டு பிடித்து, விடியும் போது வந்து திட்டு வாங்கி வைக்கும் தூக்கம்
2. மார்கழி பனியில் நான் போட்ட கோலம்
3. விடிந்தும் விடியாத வானில் வரும் ரத்த சிவப்பு
4. புதிதாய் நான் போட்ட தாவணி
5. அடை மழையில் என்னோடு நனையும் என் செல்ல மொட்டை மாடி
6. திட்டி கொஞ்சி அதட்டி சோறு ஊட்டும் தாய்
7. ஜுரத்தொடு உடம்பு முறுக்கி வரும் வலி

8. என்னை உயிர் என்று சொல்லி இப்படி என் உயிரை பிரித்து சென்ற என் தந்தை
9. பஞ்சு பொதியை போல் நீல வானின் நடுவில் மிதக்கும் வெண் மேகங்கள்
10. தினமும் நான் இடிப்பட்ட என் பஸ்
11. கண நேரம் ஆனாலும் கண்ணோடு கண் நோக்கி மறு நிமிடம் மறையும் திடீர் ஈர்ப்பு
12. வியர்வை மழையில் வெம்பி நனையும் சமயம் உள்ளே நுழைந்ததும் முகம் தாக்கும் சில்லென்ற குளிர் அறை
13. பௌர்ணமி இருட்டில் நிலவொளியில் தங்கமாய் மாறி காலை தழுவும் கடற்கரை அலை
14. இலையில் முகம் மறைத்து எங்கோ குரலால் அடையாளம் காட்டும் அந்த கருப்பு குயில்
15. கண்ணாடியாய் நீர் கூழாங்கற்கள் பளபளக்க ஓடும் மெல்லிய நீரோடை
16. முன் பின் தெரியாமல் போயினும் சக உயிருக்காக சட்டென்று கண் நனைக்கும் மனிதம்
17. எத்தனை முறை கேட்டாலும் மெய் சிலிர்க்க வைக்கும் ஜன கண மன
18. முகத்தில் மழை சாரல் அடிக்க ஜன்னலில் சாய்ந்து சுட சுட குடிக்கும் தேநீர்
19. நிமிட நேர பிரயாணத்தில், ஒரு முறை பல முறை முகம் பார்க்க கண்கள் இருந்தால், நான் அழகு தான் என்று உள்ளே பீறிடும் திமிர்
20. மதியம் உண்டதும் உடல் முழுவதும் பரவும் மெல்லிய மயக்கம்
21. ஆணா பெண்ணா என்ற ஆதார குழப்பம் இருப்பினும், பிறந்து உழன்று இறப்போர் நடுவே தலை நிமிர்ந்து நடக்கும் திரு நங்கைகள்
22. கட்டில் மேடையில் கட்டி புரந்து சண்டையிட்டு வியர்வை முத்துக்கள் கோர்த்து இருவரும் தோல்வி தழுவ, காதோரத்தில் கேட்கும் கூசும் சூடான மூச்சு
23. பசியோடு வரும் சமயம் கமகம நெய்வாசம்
24. தூக்கம் தழுவும் நேரம் மெலிதாக நெஞ்சை நனைக்கும் இசை
25. சீரான சாலையில் பாடல் காதில் ஒலிக்க காற்று தலை கலைக்க காதலை கட்டி செல்லும் நீண்ட தூர பயணம்
26. தள்ளாத முதுமையிலும் கையோடு கை கோர்த்து ஒன்றாக வாழ்ந்து வயதான தாம்பாத்தியம்
27. நரை ஓடியும் நாடி தளர்ந்து போனாலும் முதுகு மேல் கோணி கொண்டு இன்னும் வேலை தேடும் முதுமை
28. குளிர் உறைந்து நடுங்க செய்யினும் உள்ளுக்குள் சூடு காக்கும் என் கம்பளி
29. தூங்கி எழுந்த பின்னும் படுக்கை விட்டு நகராமல் உருள வைக்கும் பாம்பு சோம்பல்
30. பிடிக்குமோ பிடிக்கவில்லையோ எந்நேரமும் நான் முணுமுணுக்கும் ராகங்கள்
31. எப்போதாவது தோன்றி அதிலும் எப்போதாவது ருசியாய் வரும் என் சமையல்

32. காலப்போக்கில் தேய்ந்து போனாலும் நினைத்து போதும் இனிக்கும் என் பள்ளி பருவ நினைவுகள்
33. எழுந்தே ஆகவேண்டும் என்று தெரிந்தும் எனக்கு நானே கொடுத்த கொள்ளும் கடைசி 2 நிமிட தூக்கம்
34. எங்கே கேட்டாலும் நாமும் சேர்ந்து கொள்ள தூண்டும் சிரிப்பு
35. எழுத முடியவில்லை எனினும் கவிஞர் போல் கவித்துவமை எழுத ஆவல்
36. விழுந்து புரண்டு தூங்க ஏக இடம் இருந்தும் முதுகு ஒட்டி என் வாசம் பிடித்து தூங்கும் என் செல்ல மகன்
37. என் ஜன்னலின் வழியே பார்த்தால் நான் பார்த்த சந்தோஷத்தில் சலசலக்கும் மரங்கள்
38. என்ன மொழியோ, நிறமோ, ஊரோ, பெண்ணின் குமரி பருவமோ, தாய்மையோ, முதுமையோ பார்த்ததும் மனம் கவ்வும் பாந்தமான அழகு
39. விண்ணை முட்டும் கட்டடங்கள் இருந்தும் அதன் மத்தியில் இன்னும் முற்றம் தாங்கி நிற்கும் வயதான பழுப்பெறிய வீடுகள்
40. நான் இருக்கிறேன் என்று எப்போதும் ஞாபகம் செய்யும் தோழமை
41. கலாசாரம் பண்பாடு எல்லாம் நடைமுறையில் முரண்பட்டு கிடந்தும், பார்த்ததும் ஒரு வினாடி நெஞ்சை கிள்ளி விடும் அந்த மஞ்சள் வாசத்துடன் அந்த புது தாலி கயிறு
42. காலும் மனதும் நனைக்க நின்றதும், அதை தனக்குள் இழுத்து தன்னையே பார்க்க சொல்லும் அலையும் மணலும்
43. குளித்து முடித்து கிளம்பியே ஆகவேண்டும் ஆயினும் ஒரு வினாடி திருடி, மறுபடி கண்ணாடி பார்க்கும் சந்தோஷம்
44. கடகட ரயிலில் நிமிடம் ஒரு படம் மாறும் ஜன்னல்
45. வளர்ந்து கொண்டே இருப்பினும் இன்னும் என் மகன் மேல் வீசும் பால்வாசம்
46. விடியல் சூரியன் உள்ளே வர அதில் மிதக்கும் தங்க துகளாய் தூசிகள்
47. கருத்த மேக கன்னத்தை கோபத்தில் கிழிக்கும் மின்னல் கீற்றுகள்
48. எத்தனையோ குளிர் பாணங்களும் ஐஸ்க்ரீம் இருப்பினும் கை கட்டை விரலால் இன்னும் தின்ன சுவை காட்டும் நுங்கு
49. வரிசை வரிசையாய் வீட்டு சுவற்றில் கார்த்திகை தீபம்
50. எந்த ஆட்டம் போட்டாலும், எத்தனை பெயர் பெற்றாலும், எத்தனை கோடி கொண்டாலும் கடைசியில் அடையப்போவது இதை தானே என்ற தத்துவம் உணர்ந்து அமைதியை வேடிக்கை பார்க்கும் அந்த சுடுகாடு

Dreams of Oblivion!!!

The nights just keep vanishing in thin air
May be it will feel like this, when we meet?
The days keeps trickling down our life
The time keeps racing into null
These dreams are all that I have in me...

Will I be searching my needs in your shadow?
Will you do the same, when we meet
May be the days and nights might enter a sweet monotony
The scatter of light and dark might keep spilling in our bed
While we have no strength left in us to replenish...
Will this hunger be quenched with your flesh?
Or will my search run beyond the horizon?

May be we can be the witness of all these only in this bed
Each of us praying, begging, crying and showering the other with whatever they want
All at once!
May be this bed might remember the last drops of pain and nectar
May be the earth of my body might keep screaming for you
My language of rain will always fall into your ears of river...

May be when our eyes lock into eternity
I might be willing to give you my everything;
You might be willing to taste me
You might be that person, that lover
Who will love my inside and out gently
And can look into my scars as my jewels...
Will you be there to carry my pain during my work, my days and our nights
May be our nights will cross their borders to seek a new Ecstasy!!!

Will it be like this...
When your lips taste my skin and moisture,
My eyes might explode into a million stars.
When your hands keep touching me in the dark of the night,
My soul might dissolve and join your moon...
The thirst for your lips might dry up my heart
The nectar of my inner sweetness might fill you eternally...
The final moments of anger and anxiety and deathly search to reach the climax
Our heart beats will only prevail till you enter my centre
As it happens, watch all the pandemonium of colours will settle...

All I might hear would be your breath near my ears
And crushed with your weight on me...
All that you will remember of me would be that last minute moans and cries
As I watch you thrust me into nothingness...
Here we might walk and swim and run towards the horizon
Where you and I will just burst and vanish into oblivion...

Tears trickling at the corner of my eyes
As I lie alone right now, Here I think
This is how it might be?
And all that is left in me now is a sad question...
When will I meet you?

Lost Forever!!!

With each passing day, time merging into hollowness
I see nothing change;
In the swarm of souls, I keep searching for faces...
Faces everywhere and of every dimension and magnitude
I stop for a second to strip my thought to get that one face I search for...

Looking and scrutinising and stunned with the faces
I watch my face swimming in the vast pool of memories with others
What can I do?
Should I give into this madness...
Should I stop looking for that one and only face?

I can't stop, now. Can I?
My love for that face has consumed my soul inside out
I am nearly dead without it...
All I can do is search till the end...
But all I see is bits and pieces of that face!!!

Feeling weird and lost in insanity!
Have you ever thought of stealing a face?
A smile from a face...
A frown from another...
A tear from another...
A look from one more...
A tenderness from somewhere else...
So on and so forth in a jumbled mess!

All put together, Here I stand in front of this face!
I watch this face look at me!
Ohh!!! It is not the same
May be it didn't even exist!
May be it was just a face I dreamt off!
Help please!
Find that face which looked in my eyes and touched my soul
Or atleast
Find me my dream at least!!!
Till then I am lost forever...

War and Peace!!!

Well, I have been hiding out for quite some time from the blog world. Just a bit busy with my work or that is what I would love to say about my laziness... But anyways, I watched a movie that really sort of made me think about it for quite sometime. APOCALYPTO... well a nice movie... Which sort of reminded me of a some more movies i saw... Amistad, Schindler's list, a bit of kannathil muthamittal...

I suddenly took interest in reading this book called "Ponniyin Selvan", so I went to purchased all the three massive parts. Going through the pages one after another stirred the same feeling. Why did all the great stories had so much of blood spilled on each and every page of its victory? So much of blood shed for what... All the greatest man made structures like the Great wall of china, the Pyramids of Egypt's and the Mayans and the TajMahal has thousands and thousands of people's sacrifice behind it.

Have you noticed a colony of ants going in to invade another colony and ultimately both the colonies dies? What we do is in a little more higher scale, isn't it? Till now... Greed and thriving for better things have lead men go through paths that cannot be justified in any ways. Is it in our genes? I don't know??? They say there is an alpha male in all the species, which is good physically and can survive better and more dominating and wild. Does this go to countries as well? Trying to be gods or pretending to be one, whichever it is... The ultimate losers are the common civilians, whose dreams are just to raise a simple family and to keep them safe.

If we can't bring peace between one family, as you know with nowadays nuclear families, where mother in law doesn't get along with daughter in law, and parents don't get along with children and etc. etc., I don't think we can bring unity within our human kind which is already spliced hard with castes and religions and colour and economy and nationalities.

Well, I have heard that Alexander the Great who captured and ruled almost the whole world his friend on his death bed, to let both his hands lie out of his coffin to tell the world that he was not even able to take a handful of sand in spite his power and supremacy. All of us should get this in our heads cause we think we are invincible. I guess and each should realise that we all are nothing more than specs of dust which will blow off with time...