எனக்கு பிடித்த 50!!!

1. இரவு முழுவதும் வராமல் முரண்டு பிடித்து, விடியும் போது வந்து திட்டு வாங்கி வைக்கும் தூக்கம்
2. மார்கழி பனியில் நான் போட்ட கோலம்
3. விடிந்தும் விடியாத வானில் வரும் ரத்த சிவப்பு
4. புதிதாய் நான் போட்ட தாவணி
5. அடை மழையில் என்னோடு நனையும் என் செல்ல மொட்டை மாடி
6. திட்டி கொஞ்சி அதட்டி சோறு ஊட்டும் தாய்
7. ஜுரத்தொடு உடம்பு முறுக்கி வரும் வலி

8. என்னை உயிர் என்று சொல்லி இப்படி என் உயிரை பிரித்து சென்ற என் தந்தை
9. பஞ்சு பொதியை போல் நீல வானின் நடுவில் மிதக்கும் வெண் மேகங்கள்
10. தினமும் நான் இடிப்பட்ட என் பஸ்
11. கண நேரம் ஆனாலும் கண்ணோடு கண் நோக்கி மறு நிமிடம் மறையும் திடீர் ஈர்ப்பு
12. வியர்வை மழையில் வெம்பி நனையும் சமயம் உள்ளே நுழைந்ததும் முகம் தாக்கும் சில்லென்ற குளிர் அறை
13. பௌர்ணமி இருட்டில் நிலவொளியில் தங்கமாய் மாறி காலை தழுவும் கடற்கரை அலை
14. இலையில் முகம் மறைத்து எங்கோ குரலால் அடையாளம் காட்டும் அந்த கருப்பு குயில்
15. கண்ணாடியாய் நீர் கூழாங்கற்கள் பளபளக்க ஓடும் மெல்லிய நீரோடை
16. முன் பின் தெரியாமல் போயினும் சக உயிருக்காக சட்டென்று கண் நனைக்கும் மனிதம்
17. எத்தனை முறை கேட்டாலும் மெய் சிலிர்க்க வைக்கும் ஜன கண மன
18. முகத்தில் மழை சாரல் அடிக்க ஜன்னலில் சாய்ந்து சுட சுட குடிக்கும் தேநீர்
19. நிமிட நேர பிரயாணத்தில், ஒரு முறை பல முறை முகம் பார்க்க கண்கள் இருந்தால், நான் அழகு தான் என்று உள்ளே பீறிடும் திமிர்
20. மதியம் உண்டதும் உடல் முழுவதும் பரவும் மெல்லிய மயக்கம்
21. ஆணா பெண்ணா என்ற ஆதார குழப்பம் இருப்பினும், பிறந்து உழன்று இறப்போர் நடுவே தலை நிமிர்ந்து நடக்கும் திரு நங்கைகள்
22. கட்டில் மேடையில் கட்டி புரந்து சண்டையிட்டு வியர்வை முத்துக்கள் கோர்த்து இருவரும் தோல்வி தழுவ, காதோரத்தில் கேட்கும் கூசும் சூடான மூச்சு
23. பசியோடு வரும் சமயம் கமகம நெய்வாசம்
24. தூக்கம் தழுவும் நேரம் மெலிதாக நெஞ்சை நனைக்கும் இசை
25. சீரான சாலையில் பாடல் காதில் ஒலிக்க காற்று தலை கலைக்க காதலை கட்டி செல்லும் நீண்ட தூர பயணம்
26. தள்ளாத முதுமையிலும் கையோடு கை கோர்த்து ஒன்றாக வாழ்ந்து வயதான தாம்பாத்தியம்
27. நரை ஓடியும் நாடி தளர்ந்து போனாலும் முதுகு மேல் கோணி கொண்டு இன்னும் வேலை தேடும் முதுமை
28. குளிர் உறைந்து நடுங்க செய்யினும் உள்ளுக்குள் சூடு காக்கும் என் கம்பளி
29. தூங்கி எழுந்த பின்னும் படுக்கை விட்டு நகராமல் உருள வைக்கும் பாம்பு சோம்பல்
30. பிடிக்குமோ பிடிக்கவில்லையோ எந்நேரமும் நான் முணுமுணுக்கும் ராகங்கள்
31. எப்போதாவது தோன்றி அதிலும் எப்போதாவது ருசியாய் வரும் என் சமையல்

32. காலப்போக்கில் தேய்ந்து போனாலும் நினைத்து போதும் இனிக்கும் என் பள்ளி பருவ நினைவுகள்
33. எழுந்தே ஆகவேண்டும் என்று தெரிந்தும் எனக்கு நானே கொடுத்த கொள்ளும் கடைசி 2 நிமிட தூக்கம்
34. எங்கே கேட்டாலும் நாமும் சேர்ந்து கொள்ள தூண்டும் சிரிப்பு
35. எழுத முடியவில்லை எனினும் கவிஞர் போல் கவித்துவமை எழுத ஆவல்
36. விழுந்து புரண்டு தூங்க ஏக இடம் இருந்தும் முதுகு ஒட்டி என் வாசம் பிடித்து தூங்கும் என் செல்ல மகன்
37. என் ஜன்னலின் வழியே பார்த்தால் நான் பார்த்த சந்தோஷத்தில் சலசலக்கும் மரங்கள்
38. என்ன மொழியோ, நிறமோ, ஊரோ, பெண்ணின் குமரி பருவமோ, தாய்மையோ, முதுமையோ பார்த்ததும் மனம் கவ்வும் பாந்தமான அழகு
39. விண்ணை முட்டும் கட்டடங்கள் இருந்தும் அதன் மத்தியில் இன்னும் முற்றம் தாங்கி நிற்கும் வயதான பழுப்பெறிய வீடுகள்
40. நான் இருக்கிறேன் என்று எப்போதும் ஞாபகம் செய்யும் தோழமை
41. கலாசாரம் பண்பாடு எல்லாம் நடைமுறையில் முரண்பட்டு கிடந்தும், பார்த்ததும் ஒரு வினாடி நெஞ்சை கிள்ளி விடும் அந்த மஞ்சள் வாசத்துடன் அந்த புது தாலி கயிறு
42. காலும் மனதும் நனைக்க நின்றதும், அதை தனக்குள் இழுத்து தன்னையே பார்க்க சொல்லும் அலையும் மணலும்
43. குளித்து முடித்து கிளம்பியே ஆகவேண்டும் ஆயினும் ஒரு வினாடி திருடி, மறுபடி கண்ணாடி பார்க்கும் சந்தோஷம்
44. கடகட ரயிலில் நிமிடம் ஒரு படம் மாறும் ஜன்னல்
45. வளர்ந்து கொண்டே இருப்பினும் இன்னும் என் மகன் மேல் வீசும் பால்வாசம்
46. விடியல் சூரியன் உள்ளே வர அதில் மிதக்கும் தங்க துகளாய் தூசிகள்
47. கருத்த மேக கன்னத்தை கோபத்தில் கிழிக்கும் மின்னல் கீற்றுகள்
48. எத்தனையோ குளிர் பாணங்களும் ஐஸ்க்ரீம் இருப்பினும் கை கட்டை விரலால் இன்னும் தின்ன சுவை காட்டும் நுங்கு
49. வரிசை வரிசையாய் வீட்டு சுவற்றில் கார்த்திகை தீபம்
50. எந்த ஆட்டம் போட்டாலும், எத்தனை பெயர் பெற்றாலும், எத்தனை கோடி கொண்டாலும் கடைசியில் அடையப்போவது இதை தானே என்ற தத்துவம் உணர்ந்து அமைதியை வேடிக்கை பார்க்கும் அந்த சுடுகாடு

Dreams of Oblivion!!!

The nights just keep vanishing in thin air
May be it will feel like this, when we meet?
The days keeps trickling down our life
The time keeps racing into null
These dreams are all that I have in me...

Will I be searching my needs in your shadow?
Will you do the same, when we meet
May be the days and nights might enter a sweet monotony
The scatter of light and dark might keep spilling in our bed
While we have no strength left in us to replenish...
Will this hunger be quenched with your flesh?
Or will my search run beyond the horizon?

May be we can be the witness of all these only in this bed
Each of us praying, begging, crying and showering the other with whatever they want
All at once!
May be this bed might remember the last drops of pain and nectar
May be the earth of my body might keep screaming for you
My language of rain will always fall into your ears of river...

May be when our eyes lock into eternity
I might be willing to give you my everything;
You might be willing to taste me
You might be that person, that lover
Who will love my inside and out gently
And can look into my scars as my jewels...
Will you be there to carry my pain during my work, my days and our nights
May be our nights will cross their borders to seek a new Ecstasy!!!

Will it be like this...
When your lips taste my skin and moisture,
My eyes might explode into a million stars.
When your hands keep touching me in the dark of the night,
My soul might dissolve and join your moon...
The thirst for your lips might dry up my heart
The nectar of my inner sweetness might fill you eternally...
The final moments of anger and anxiety and deathly search to reach the climax
Our heart beats will only prevail till you enter my centre
As it happens, watch all the pandemonium of colours will settle...

All I might hear would be your breath near my ears
And crushed with your weight on me...
All that you will remember of me would be that last minute moans and cries
As I watch you thrust me into nothingness...
Here we might walk and swim and run towards the horizon
Where you and I will just burst and vanish into oblivion...

Tears trickling at the corner of my eyes
As I lie alone right now, Here I think
This is how it might be?
And all that is left in me now is a sad question...
When will I meet you?

Lost Forever!!!

With each passing day, time merging into hollowness
I see nothing change;
In the swarm of souls, I keep searching for faces...
Faces everywhere and of every dimension and magnitude
I stop for a second to strip my thought to get that one face I search for...

Looking and scrutinising and stunned with the faces
I watch my face swimming in the vast pool of memories with others
What can I do?
Should I give into this madness...
Should I stop looking for that one and only face?

I can't stop, now. Can I?
My love for that face has consumed my soul inside out
I am nearly dead without it...
All I can do is search till the end...
But all I see is bits and pieces of that face!!!

Feeling weird and lost in insanity!
Have you ever thought of stealing a face?
A smile from a face...
A frown from another...
A tear from another...
A look from one more...
A tenderness from somewhere else...
So on and so forth in a jumbled mess!

All put together, Here I stand in front of this face!
I watch this face look at me!
Ohh!!! It is not the same
May be it didn't even exist!
May be it was just a face I dreamt off!
Help please!
Find that face which looked in my eyes and touched my soul
Or atleast
Find me my dream at least!!!
Till then I am lost forever...

War and Peace!!!

Well, I have been hiding out for quite some time from the blog world. Just a bit busy with my work or that is what I would love to say about my laziness... But anyways, I watched a movie that really sort of made me think about it for quite sometime. APOCALYPTO... well a nice movie... Which sort of reminded me of a some more movies i saw... Amistad, Schindler's list, a bit of kannathil muthamittal...

I suddenly took interest in reading this book called "Ponniyin Selvan", so I went to purchased all the three massive parts. Going through the pages one after another stirred the same feeling. Why did all the great stories had so much of blood spilled on each and every page of its victory? So much of blood shed for what... All the greatest man made structures like the Great wall of china, the Pyramids of Egypt's and the Mayans and the TajMahal has thousands and thousands of people's sacrifice behind it.

Have you noticed a colony of ants going in to invade another colony and ultimately both the colonies dies? What we do is in a little more higher scale, isn't it? Till now... Greed and thriving for better things have lead men go through paths that cannot be justified in any ways. Is it in our genes? I don't know??? They say there is an alpha male in all the species, which is good physically and can survive better and more dominating and wild. Does this go to countries as well? Trying to be gods or pretending to be one, whichever it is... The ultimate losers are the common civilians, whose dreams are just to raise a simple family and to keep them safe.

If we can't bring peace between one family, as you know with nowadays nuclear families, where mother in law doesn't get along with daughter in law, and parents don't get along with children and etc. etc., I don't think we can bring unity within our human kind which is already spliced hard with castes and religions and colour and economy and nationalities.

Well, I have heard that Alexander the Great who captured and ruled almost the whole world his friend on his death bed, to let both his hands lie out of his coffin to tell the world that he was not even able to take a handful of sand in spite his power and supremacy. All of us should get this in our heads cause we think we are invincible. I guess and each should realise that we all are nothing more than specs of dust which will blow off with time...

The infamous step!!!

My mom always thought that she had given birth to some prodigy kids and always made us learn everything possible. In her trial of making us Masters of all trades, we had to learn so many stuff. I will try to list out...Bharathanatiyam, vocal carnatic music, veena for me and miruthangam for my brother, shorthand, typing, rollerskating etc... etc...

So I started learning Bharathanatiyam, when I was 4 or 5 and I was the first student to learn it and was famous those days. But with all the gifts and attention, My twin bro got highly irritated and at one point, he started to challenge me, while I was practising. I was stupid enough to take up his challenge. But to every one's surprise, he had so much of grasping power. Though he had never danced even once, he picked up almost 2 years of my classes. He was good enough to level me up at my varnam!!!

Alas!!! My short span of attention and stuff just went down the drain. Once again, he outbeat me... Though I don't remember much details, there are a few parts of laughter here and there.

Once we were supposed to perform in a Rotary club, We had a hectic schedule and to lighten up the crowd, My dance teacher decided to let us do a peppy number, probably " Jhoot bhole kawwa kathe" from Bobby, if I am not wrong. We had to watch that song on VCR like over a thousand times to get the same steps. We later realised it was a huge event and the chief guest was My chithappa, who was a minister at that time and loads of Police officials, Rotarian's and Doctors and their families were invited. Almost a 3 hours programme. Every thing was going as per schedule and it was really nice. Nice costumes and loads of applause to start with.

There was a particular step in which I am supposed to sit down and beg my brother and catch hold of his foot. Never really liked that step, coz I had to catch his foot. I even tried to bribe my dance miss to either change it or replace it with some other step. Cool isn't it? I was, what around 6 or 7 and already trying to bribe. Well the attempt was a sooper dooper failure... And I was furious and never used to do that step on rehearsal, even once.

On that big night, We were performing this song. At that particular step, I felt so furious to have to hold his foot, in front of so many people. So I might have pinched him, a bit, by mistake, I guess. But he stamped my hand in return. That was it... The rage that was suppressed for all those long hours, days and weeks, from inside just burst out. I attacked him like a tigress with all vengeance and started biting his arms. He pulled my hairdo and flip fell my wig and That was it. There was a mini war and bloodshed on stage, like never before. After a moment of silence, there was a sudden outburst of laughter in the crowd. My mom and my dance miss literally sank so low in their chairs at that instance, cowering their faces.

So much cursing, crying, shouting, hitting and running around for "Jhoot bhole" on stage was apparently more hilarious and more entertaining to the crowd, rather than the steps we got after gruelling practise sessions. Finally the Inspector and the Sub inspector of police, who came as my Chithappa's security, had to climb up the stage and had to pull us apart and carry us, out of the stage. This photo was taken in the back stage and can you still see the anger and irritation on both our faces!!!

For my embarrassment, people still do remember that incident and quote it now and then. Especially when they see me with my son, who looks at me like an alien and rolls and laughs at me, after the narration is over.

My twin brother, still keeps saying now and then, I was after all made of the left over and he seemed to have acquired the best and I am his so called

"FACTORY REJECTED PIECE". I love him so much!!!

Sleeping patterns: I liked it...

I don't know how true it is... But looked so cool!!! Enjoy... I am sure who ever sees this, will automatically think how they sleep with their partner.

Is this how one would feel, when trust is lost !!!

Why are we attracted to a person, We know isn't good enough? Why do we fall for the wrong person?


Is it because We are hoping that we are wrong, whenever that voice whispers inside our head? And every time he does something that tells you that he is not good, You ignore it. And every time he comes through and surprises you, He wins you over. And You always lose the argument with yourself "THAT HE IS NOT GOOD ENOUGH
FOR YOU".


It is hard to believe when you hear people say," I know how you feel". But if you are really hurt at heart, I actually know how you feel. I understand the feeling that is as small and insignificant as humanly possible. And How it can actually ache in places inside that you never knew that where inside you.


And It doesn't matter how many new make overs you have, how many places you go to, or however you spend your time, You are still going to lie down every night thinking of each and every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And How in the hell in that briefest moment of uncertainity, you could think that you were actually that happy.


After all that, How ever long that may be, You might go somewhere new, meet people who will make you feel worth while again and you make friends. The bits and pieces of your lost soul will finally come back to you. And all the fuzzy stuff, those years that you have wasted, THAT WILL EVENTUALLY BEGIN TO FADE AWAY.

The letter that never made it to the Post Box

May be this should be the letter, that should be running in the minds of any couple who split after years of trying to figure out their marital life... May be I can run away? But I have nobody to run off with...nor can I run off. Apparently, My life isn't even my own to do away with. I do feel in my heart, I must take leave of you now. Because unless I disentangle myself from you emotionally... I will never be a better person nor a fit parent for my child.

I don't think you could measure all the tears I have shed. When I've needed you most, You always have found it more pressing to be anywhere else, but with me. But I know it wasn't always so. I know the world was once vibrant with promise. How thrilling my life was until I met you and even adventurous for some time? But somewhere along the line, something was lost. Just Lost in Translation, I guess. I must have loved you an awful lot, to have been so hurt. In fact, sometimes I almost wish you would have yourself a love affair. So you would know how the heart can be affected.

Oh... I guess you loved me in your own way... As a part of the whole picture. A COMFORTABLE LIFE TAKEN FOR GRANTED. But believe me, IT IS NOT ENOUGH. May be it is all I meant to get, But don't let anybody over treat our child this way.

From here on, I will stop hoping you will change. I won't expect evenings To be different different from each other. Nor weekends different from work days. I won't expect anything anymore. But just know that you have destroyed a heart and a marriage. I have stopped expecting. But I still miss your tenderness, your thoughtfullness and even your politeness. I don't know if you have it in you, But I yearn for it.

May be someday, when you have noting else on your mind.

Full moon and My life!!!

Have you ever felt connection with Moon, the way I feel? May be some have, but I feel that Full moon has been there witnessing most of the important events of my life with me... Yeah... Yeah... Yeah... Another nut case there, you think... Well may be, But I am telling the truth!

I remember my childhood especially during the vacations, where we used to go to Coimbatore to my Athai's place. I used to fight for the window seat to watch the moon travel with me. Very happy times, All of us used to keep munching something or other till we reach CBE. Fun times... I have seen this silly Moon following us and envying us for having all the fun.

Did I tell you I learnt classical Bharathanatiyam since I was 7 for almost 8 years? We used to be dressed up and wait at back stage. Most of them were open stages and I used to feel so important and used to love the hustle and bustle around me. Lime light at the age of 7... I was a bit of a show off, Well, I was the prime student for Our dance teacher, Shanthi miss. I cannot forget those times. Well, waiting at the back stage with the traditional costume on and face full of makeup and haltha in hand and heart ticking in excitement, when I look up... This Moon was still there looking at me.

I was growing up... Hale and healthy... There are times when My mom used to mix food for Me and my two brothers and my 3 cousin sisters and make us sit in a huge circle with a big bowl full of appalam in the middle of us, in our back yard. We had nice garden with lots of trees around some coconut trees, guava tree, custard apple tree, banana tree, and lots more with lots of grass and in the front we had all flowering plants and shrubs. It used to be so nice. In the night times, with the nice sweet smell of the garden and all the chirping sound of the insects and all the 6 of us making a huge mess and feasting from the balls of rice and appalam from my mom's hand, all of us will be talking at the same time and laughing and My Dad and my grandma and my athai and my chithappa will be watching us and enjoying. Guess what, this moon was there witnessing this huge family's love and happiness and trust.

Then, we were in our teens. I remember my first sight. It sounds so silly. I felt this odd sense of being still treated as a child at home and being looked as an adult when I walk out in public. There was this guy who used to come in the cycle behind our rickshaw. He was in a different school, But used to come till my school and keep going front and back, showing all sorts of stunts. Though I didn't know how to react, I used to feel so happy. Silly, I know... Then there was this guy in the class and he used to be Boys leader and I used to be Girls leader. I used to stay awake not knowing why and used to watch this moon looking at me, tossing and turning.

I went to medical college and had a lovely gang and was friends with everyone. We had a huge roof top, where we used to sit and chat till 2 or 3 in the night. We used to eat there, used to celebrate birthday parties there, used to just lie down and watch the stars and this stupid moon in the vast sky.

Then came a day... I was standing in Engineering college, where medical college students were conducting an exhibition. It was April 3rd... I was in charge of a few assignments and projects there. My brother came rushing in and asked me to come with him in a very harsh tone. There has always been an ego fight between me and my brother. Twins, you see... I was getting mad at him. He said Dad is not well, we should start now. I was not worried. Then he said these people who called said Dad was no more. There used to be lots of prank calls like this during this April fool's time. I was kinda scared but was very sure nothing would go wrong. I just spoke to my Dad, previous day night. Then came back to the hostel, to pack. I was sure that Dad was just not well, nothing else would go wrong. My brother said there was no buses at that time. So He said let us go in his Bike. It was a 6 hours journey from my college to my home town. We started at around 6 in the evening and There was this beautiful full moon watching us, riding in silence, bubbling with lots of questions and uncertainties and prayers. We never spoke one word, nor we stopped anywhere. That 6 hours of journey in that night, in the silence and Full moon still haunts me. We saw lots of cars and people, the minute we entered our street, My brother just said," Ayyo! Priya!!!"in a whisper. That day My Dad was not there with us. I remember watching mile after mile passing us by with the company of the Full moon and praying and shedding tears in silence, thinking that My Dad should be alright. This full moon was mocking at us then too!!!

Then came My marriage, The fights in the family, The splits, The heartaches, My pregnancy, My labour and My separation and My happiness... For my every single major event, The full moon never failed to give its attendance. Especially My labour... 15 hours of Pain and I could see the moon out of the window ceiling. All I could do was watch the Moon and feel the pain and contraction. I felt as if a very dear friend who has been there in good and bad times is just staying with me. I gave birth to my son at around quarter to 1 in the night. The moon was the first one to see My son too...

Even Now, lots of heartaches do follow me. I watch so much of uncertainties in front of me. Have you felt close to some one or something, but still you know and feel that you have no right over it or them? Well, walking away from them or seeing them walk away from you is one of the most depressing thing one can experience. I still have those experiences, bad ones. But when I look up at the sky, at least My moon is there to say, "Don't worry! At least I am here for you and will be there till you disappear".

WOW!!!

I started writing this Blog since May. And my blog has been read by ( seen by, may be) 50 people. And none has scolded me to stop torturing them with my way of writing.

Wheeeeeewwwwwww.....

Hurray for me then...