READ, READ AND READ MORE!!!

I always loved to read the special editions that comes with the newspaper. I was always intrigued by the things that were hidden behind those mystical words, which you imbibe and get imprinted with and finally when you leave the paper down, something gets changed inside you. It might not be a drastic one but a subtle change that only you can feel... As all our elders said, " You learn and change till you die". How very true!

I started enjoying language because of my father. He made me understand that with each word there is a picture painted in your brain and the beauty of it is, It is your own world....It is a fantasy like this Robin Williams movie " What dreams may come". We used to get Indian express at my school time and on Sundays, I have watched my Dad getting immersed into that paper. I always used to wonder why.

My dad used to read everything at such depth and the way he used to correlate and understand and explain... Man, I might have to live so many more lives and still I don't think I would be able to reach half of his mental ability. He used to love crosswords, scrabbles and anagrams... All sort of word games. I started sitting with him and when I didn't understand, I used to have a dictionary and go through the words. It became an obsession later on, coz I wanted to know more words.

I used to get lost in words like "thither", "Abstruse", "Calumny", "Gallivant" etc., etc. I used to enjoy grammar, not on an exam level, But in a different way. I loved the way they say,"Flock of birds, School of fishes, Pride of lion, Murder of crows, Parliament of owls" etc. Cool isn't it!

This Sunday after a long time, I had some time to read a few articles in Hindu. I really loved the article Invisible women by Kalpana sharma about her documentary movie" Lakshmi and me" and an essay about " The craft of difficult writing and one more article called " A chance to dream" about an NGO called Sathi which helps street kids and so on and so forth.

So it was a good session. I would just ask all you guys to keep reading or at least start reading now, Guys!!!

Language of Perpetuity!!!

No matter how many words are conversed
No matter how many languages are spoken in
Some how, at the end of the day,
After exhausting ourselves minute after minute
In our speech....
A few words which belongs to you,
Always stay back inside my throat...

Though our days keeps colliding with one another
You always look at me the same way;
I always talk to you the same way
But still something gets transmitted in this immense silence...

I know your efforts to hide that moment
Do you know my efforts to confide all about that moment
So
Our seconds are getting acquainted with our minutes hide and seek

But I do understand now
All your silences are woven with your unheard dialogues.....

Let me say bye now

போய் வருகிறேன் தோழா!
விலகல் இல்லை இது;
விடைபெறல் மட்டுமே!
உனக்கான நேசமும் காதலும்
என்னுள்நிலைத்திருக்கும் என்றென்றும்.......

நாமிருவரும் நட்பாய் கை குலுக்கினோம்;
நதியின் பிரவாகமிருந்தது நமக்குள்......
காதலாய் நிறம் மாறியபோதும்
கனவுகள் பொங்கிற்று மனதில்!

திருமணம் என்ற உறவுக்குள் புகுந்த
மறு நிமிடமே
நீ புருஷனாய் மாறிய
இரசாயனம்புரியவேயில்லை எனக்கு!

அதிகார அஸ்திரங்களைத்
தொடுக்கத் தொடங்கினாய் அடுக்கடுக்காய்;
வாலியை மறைந்திருந்து வதம்
செய்த இராமபானங்களையும் விடவலிமையானவை அவை....
இரணமான நாட்களின் நினைவில்
இன்னும் கூடஇரத்தம் கசிகிறது நெஞ்சில்!

எவ்வளவு முயன்றும் -
உன்புதுப்பிக்கப் படாத ஆணெனும்
புராதன மூளைக்குள் காலங்காலமாய்
பதுங்கிக் கிடக்கும்
மனைவியின் பிரதியாய் மாறவே முடியவில்லை என்னால்
மன்னித்து விடு என் தோழா!

வேறு வழி தெரியவில்லை;
அதனால்விடை பெறுகிறேன்
உன்னிடமிருந்து கால நதியின் சுழற்சியில்
மறுபடி நாம் சந்திக்க நேர்ந்தால்
கை குலுக்குவோம் ஒரு புன்னகையுடன்
கணவன் மனைவியாய்
நாமிருந்த கசப்புகளை மறந்து..........!

My Diwali!!!

One more year and one more Diwali on the sleeve and one more memory to carry on !
Deepavalli or Diwali is a huge event, when you are young and I remember my Diwali's both good and bad, all too well. My Diwali's have been so wonderful. My excitement for Diwali will start feverishly and will reach sky high. Clothes, Jewels, Shopping with my mom, Making sweets with my grandma and getting them sorted out in huge containers, Fishing for the biggest and most colourful kolam, Getting the loudest and the brightest of fire crackers, lots of relatives and family friends etc.....

The day before Diwali will start with Mehendhi... The next day morning we will run to the sink to wash it off and will start comparing who has got the most brightest colour of all. The Diwali day is a huge rush. We have to wake up in early in the morning and have to put the Kolam and then Oil bath, then pooja and then fire crackers and then breakfast and noisy family... Wearing new dress and strutting out with sweet trays to neighbours houses.... It used to feel so important. My Father and My younger brother will be happily teamed up with all loud crackers. I have the flashy ones... For so many years, This is the way Diwali has been for me.

My last Diwali with my father was the best one of all. I was in the first year of college and Dressed up in a pretty costume and was feeling really nice. The day passes away with its usual flamboyance and the evening was the time for all the flashy crackers, My turn, you see. Lots of flower pots and sticks and stuff like that. All of us were in our portico and cackling and surrounded by laughter, love, lights and fumes of the crackers. My Dad, My chithappa ( whom I have not spoken in years now and whom I love next to my father ), My Mom, My grandma, My elder and my younger brother and few family friends and people who live at my house ( maids and their family )...... Huge crowd!

So somewhere around 7, when I was firing a flower pot, it burst with a loud noise and flame and I reacted to it by turning my head to the other side. But my Right hand took the whole brunt of the fire. The very next second, My Dad and my chithappa were on either side of me and literally carried me inside the house. I kept telling that I was fine and they are just fussing over nothing, I lost consciousness for a few seconds, I guess because of the shock and pain. When I woke up, I could see my whole family around me looking with such anxiousness. Though I was in a lot of pain, I treasure that second and that scene in my heart. My whole family especially my Dad and my Chithappa next to me.... I have never felt so secure in my life, ever since. I remember my Dad sitting in a chair next to me the whole night and sponging my hand and applying medication through out.

The following Diwali, My Dad was not there. Honestly, My Diwali's and my B'days were no longer important in my life after that. That Diwali was so depressing and all that mattered so much, suddenly lost its importance. Honestly, I have not fired a cracker since my Dad passed away. I still watch people celebrate Diwali and all I see is the scars of my hand with lost past and a deep vacuum and tears...

But this year, I am in Kerala working in a Hospital near Thrissur and I was working on the Diwali and couldn't avail leave. Diwali is not a big deal in Kerala and I swear I didn't even hear a single noise of a cracker. I finished my shift and went to the office to finish the official work handed over to me. My Hospital Administrator cum a lovely friend Mr. Jacob greeted me and handed some sweets and wished me. I thanked him and started with my work. At around 7 in the evening, he called me down to the lobby. As I walked down, The whole place was lit with more than 200 lamps and it was such a mesmerising sight. I was absolutely speechless. There was a huge team behind this effort... ( Big and Small Girish, Shaji sir, Sadhanandhan sir, Thambi sir, Jossy, Sadhik, Latheef, Vipin and Of course our CA Jomon and our Administrator Jacob sir )..... All I could do was, look at Jacob sir and say "Thank you sir!".

All they did was give me a smile back and Jacob sir said " You're most welcome'' ( In his usual style and slang! Of course ! ). Honestly after a long time, I had a Diwali moment, I can treasure and carry in my hearts......

A Letter to my Dad!!!

My dear Daddy,

My life is just filled with day to day Garbage. All I have with me now are Faces that goes unnoticed, Smiles not from heart, Tears splitting the very core of a being, Dreams of being someone, Love that has evaporated, Relations with no more patience, Anger not quenched with love etc., etc., and they all seem to choke me throughout, Daddy.

With all this crap, My days have rolled into weeks and weeks into months and months into years. All I am left with is frustration beyond words. As I tear upon each date and bid the dead day a good bye, for a flick of a second, Your smile and face comes into my my mind. At that moment, a feeling I can't explain creeps into my heart. It might be terror or anguish or sorrow or desperation or may be a blend of all, But it grips my throat and I hear myself asking, " How in the world, Am I able to spend each day without you ? " Have I forgotten you and all about you? No..... I still live surrounded by your memories, smile, your smell, your warmth and your love. I have not forgotten any, Daddy.

In the every day struggle, I keep looking around for your shoulder to lean on too and your voice to calm me. Though I know it might not happen, I still search for you. It feels like you have just gone away on a long vacation and any minute you will open and enter the gate in your usual speed and style. My ears still wait to hear for the horn of your vehicle, so that I can coming running to the gate and open it for you with a smile, Daddy.

When I get dressed up, I look around to hear you say that I am looking gorgeous. You made me feel so good and made me happy and wanted and unique. Daddy, I might not deserve it. But you were such a lovely daddy. Sometimes, In between my sleep, when my mind is alert and quiet, I can hear the songs you hum and I suddenly get wrapped in your smell and warmth. There are times when I have been intolerable and have disappointed and hurt you, But I was stupid, Daddy. Now I beg in my heart each day for your forgiveness.

My words are totally lost and All I can tell you is " I love you and I miss you too much!... I watch Cuckoo and Teju play and through a mist of tears, I just wonder why these kids didn't have the pleasure of knowing their Grandpa!!! Daddy, you would have been an excellent grandpa. You know, Dad! The relationship between all of us are so constrained nowadays. It would have been so much better if you had been there. I still long for the days, when the words like " Family", " Love", " Bond", " Trust", " Affection", " Forgiveness"
meant something.

The days I spent with you have turned into mere dreams and they cover me in layers. Daddy, The Most happiest moments of my life was with you and the Most lost moments which can never be rectified were too because of you. Though I carry myself around with some hope and courage, My world is dark without you.

As I said before, My whole world has crashed since you left us, Daddy. Same goes to Everyone in our family. All of us are hurt and lost in our own ways, Though you couldn't live in this stupid world, You will always live in all our hearts and everyone of us, Miss you in our own ways. If there is a chance of a rebirth, Daddy... Please let me be your daughter again... I swear, I will behave and spare you all the hurt I have ever given you...

Till then, Daddy!!!

Hidden tears!!!

You know my being has always been a struggle…
Struggle to live, to breath, to be happy
However tough this struggle gets,
I’m undisturbed coz my heart is away

The bliss which reminds of those moments
The scents which reminds of you
The touches which reminds me of our nights
Now keeps coiling down into a shell!

Here I am… trying to leave a rock on that shell
Just to make sure, I don’t hear the screams of memory
Now and then, the rock does gets moved with the intensity of thought
And at that moment, I am surrounded by it…

A faint trace of tear on the cheek
A faint whiff of that stolen kiss
A bruise from your love
Keeps flicking at the back of my mind!

Night after night, I was just next to you
Watching you sleep and roll
And let you encroach my being
Here I am now barren…
From your thoughts, your touches and your love!

With the stream of time
Your thoughts, your smile and your face slips from mind
Here I fight to retain every drop of it
Though I look for your face, I hardly see it…

Still, those eyes glow in my dreams
How should I repay your love?
May be will die a million times, so I can keep seeing you
May be will give birth to you in all my lives I live…

But before I die, would love to see those eyes
May be when that day comes, we might be strangers
But with each beat of my heart, I will think of your eyes
But time has turned us into victims of circumstances!

Hope I get to prove my love, somewhere sometime when we meet
I will try to remember you again and again in all my lives
Even my tears would have shined happily
If, it had fallen at least near you
Till then my love, I will wait!

Alms!!!

I recently had the pleasure of visiting Mantralayam ( Shri Ragavendra Swamigal ) near Andrapradesh and Karnataka border. A whole crew was traveling with me, including my mom, my son mrithun, my brother’s daughter Teju and a few more family friends. Journey was hectic, coz… Oh stop! If I start explaining about my journey that is gonna be a separate story. SO let me put a full stop to that and talk about what I wanted to say.

I am told and I too realized that giving alms to young children is a way of creating antisocial behavior. So I generally don’t give money, instead I give food and stuff.

That evening was so pleasant. We went to the temple and then went to Thungabathra River and lived inside the water like amphibians for more than 2 hours. I was so happy floating in the water with my son and my niece. I was filled with shrieks of laughter of both the small ones. Finally had to drag both of them out by force and started walking back to the lodge, as it was getting dark.

As we were walking inside the premises of the temple, there was a multitude of beggars. Some were physically challenged, some elderly people, some mothers with infants and a lot of children. I was walking with my son who yapping his heart out. I felt so proud.

As I was nearing the gate of the temple, There was this small boy almost my son’s age, but a little short stature, who came running towards me and started saying,” Amma! Amma! Romba pasikudumma! (Mother! I am very hungry). He had this sad tone, and I was trying not to listen to him and tried to brush him off.

My son stopped talking and started looking at him. This small fellow now started tugging my duppatta and he went on repeating the same thing. He was such a thin boy with big and bright eyes. For one crazy second, everything froze and I looked at both the boys on either side of me.

There was my son, who was dressed up neat and happy and secure with me and getting all his commands met some way or the other and there was this boy, who might be an orphan or might be having irresponsible abusive parents, or might be in the hands of the wrong sort of crowd. I was pretty sure he was not having three meals a day and nothing to wear, no security, no education and no future. He might turn into one of those druggies whom we meet in our day to day life and turn antisocial himself. The chances of a better future for him were so bleak.

Though I have always tried not to take notice of such things, what I call as “cruelty of fate?” I could not walk out on this boy. The harsh reality of life sort of slapped me on the face and all I could feel was this heavy sort of weight on my chest and could feel my eyes getting misty. I did not know what to do? I panicked and I wanted out of that situation. All that I could do was reach for the purse and grab the note; I could get hold of and gave it to him. I don’t even know whether it was a 50 or a 100 rupee bill. The minute I gave him the money, he scooted and there I held my son closer and watched him run away.

I was kinda confused at that instance at my own emotions. I was relieved that he went off happily and was also sad that I let go of him.

All I could do now is curse my self for the inability to get involved beyond that point. I still wonder if he was at least able to quench his hunger for one session. I wish and I hope so!!! I still keep telling myself that there was nothing much I could have done at that moment, though I don’t want to believe that!!!

shattered glass!

Life…
It’s not going to get over in a minute or a day
As the screen keep changing, people keep change too
None of today’s pain or tears can be shed tomorrow
It is always gone…
No matter how many million drops of tear is shed
The life always start with a bright sunshine

Right from the time we leave the door of womb
The search for door has never seized!
Behind each door lie a million stories
Each page filled with tear, love, happiness, vengeance, hurt, victory, loss, ache,
But
When the final door is all left, nothing matters!

Born in the war zone
Armed to go on fight against time all the time,
None of what enters or leaves matter anymore
When the life freezes in eternity,
You will learn
Prick of a thorn is not the death of soul!

When your path is darkened,
Even your shadow will leave your side.
May be then you will realize
You will be your only soul mate…
This loneliness will not leave you
Till you turn to ash!

When you know the game
You can rest in the petals of the truth
And then you can fight against the darkest of all
May be then you will learn the eternal truth
Nothing is constant and your mist will disappear
Then heart will keep walking back and forth in the mirage
May be in hope to find God there!

The fight for survival will tell you what is all yours!
That is just the calculation of heart!
The fight for passion will tell you who mates who
That is just the calculation of the body!
You will come to know nothing is going to be yours or mine
Whoever created it will take it in the end
If so…
What is good and what is bad
World might have its own rules
No matter how you search you are in vain
Because you will never find that drop in this ocean!

You will be a mere witness of all this cosmic joke
You will have to perform it till the very end!
You can never quit!
May be this charade will need lots of masks, lots of faces
Be ready to wear them!
May be will find the plot with twists and path with bends
Be ready to change your direction!
Be ready to end the story how ever it goes!
But
Will you still need another life?

Amazed!!!

I was never into philosophical books. Though interested in listening, never had the patience to sit with a book in hand. At this crossroad of my life, I have not much choices of entertaining myself. So books are keeping me with company and I am grabbing everything, i can lay my fingers on.

In such an effort, I got hold of this book from my colleague Dr. Devi, whom I had pestered for books ( light reading only). She said this was the only book she thought would be light. Imagine!!! I never had any idea about Bhagwan Rajneesh or his work. This now might sound crazy, I was actually following whatever he was talking about. I was stupefied with the mysterious attitude and his concepts and his explanations. What really took me by surprise, is his simplification of everything...

This book was based on Zen stories and it is called " NO WATER, NO MOON". It was written in 1974!!! Long before I was born. The prelogue says that, " This book is precious. It is a treasure. It is a gift from the existence to you, calling you to come back home". Kinda weird, ain't it. But that is exactly how I felt, when I finished the last page.

He speaks of love, sex, relationship, birth, religions, rituals, character, fanaticism, death etc from a completely different angle. He brings a different concept to everything. It sort of strikes off everything I ever knew of, every thing I thought was right and every idea I had... I felt washed out...

I will try and just sprinkle a few things that impressed me in the coming blogs. I am in the move to read more of them. Will SHARE IT WITH YOU SOON!!!

Its going to be from now on!

Life has been okay... so far so good... Right now I am in a crossroad, as I told you guys before.

New place, New job, New language, New friends and a new beginning...

So life is going on as if a fresh page has been opened and it always has its surprise...

IT will pretty much be the same incidences stage played in a different setup, with different people and different audiences with the same dialogues in a different dialect

But it is going on fine!!! I should say...